It's Saturday and I feel so shitty. This is probably the first Saturday in forever that I haven't been shopping. I'm misty eyed and jaded.

I spoke to Eric yesterday and the more I think about him the more I lose interest. I keep hearing him tell me how his opinion of me has changed....(PUKE! ) My thoughts are If you don't like it, forget it! He doesn't like me anyway. I think he's just interested in sex. He has potential to be awesome. He's super funny, handsome, but soooo tense at times. Everytime I say something sarcastically, I have to tell him--JOKE or he takes me seriously. I guess thats going to go far.

Today I'm starting induction. I'm going to stay under 20 carbs for the next two weeks. I've been eating poorly the last few days. Not anymore. Zippy carbs for Maya :) Sugar what?

I'm listening to Ave Maria and I think I'm going to just cry myself a river. Time to change it up a notch... lets see...Now, it's Sade's By Your Side--I think of Kat telling me lastnight that she had been with her husband throughout the entire stay in the hospital...and she wouldn't have it any other way. She loved every minute she got to spend with him. "When you're cold, I'll be there to hold you tight to me". Gosh, I'm weak, dammit!

I need to stop feeling so sad. Death is depressing and I feel like its all around me. There is normally 3 in a row....I'm wondering who the hell is next???? "The Wages of Sin is Death" Kat's father, My uncle, has Cancer as well and isn't expected to survive much longer either...My heart goes out to her. But she's keeping the faith. One of my favorite quotes "God only gives me as much as I can handle, I just wish he didn't trust me so much" I'm sure that's what Kat's feeling this a.m.

I can't dwell on this. I have to think of something more positive. I think I'm going to go run and just release some tention. And after that I think I'm going to go shopping. That always feels good.

So...
Amaya complains a lot. Mostly about petty shit too. MEN > LOVE LOST> DAY TO DAY LIFE....whatever it is....I complain a hell of lot! I rarely am grateful for much anymore. I think that all started when M decided to walk out of my life. I've never been bitter. I am now as a result. I've got to get over this hump, til then I'm phucked.

I live a good life. I do as I please. I work hard, I travel often, date casually, fuck seriously, and complain often....K. I made myself laugh. Seriously, God has been good to me. I beat AML, I have a great family who loves me, supports me 100% who will do anything for me. These people are my everything. And I concentrate so much on random guys when in reality only 2 have been good enough to be apart of my family...Everyone knows that's Adam & Aaron.

Adam--24, All American Boy who served in the Navy, Loves his family as much as I do, he's so passionate about me. I'm convinced that no guy will ever love me as much as he does or did. He loves me, flaws & all.