This thing called life has taken me by the balls! Life is short, but sweet for certain. My close friend was diagnosed in December with
Brain tumors and died eight weeks later while calling out for me on his death bed. I started losing my hair in November, developed anxiety in January. My buddy died in February. Life has been a real freaking challenge to put it mildly.
Two years ago I went through what is my deepest ache-the one that left the floor and I intimately familiar. Yes, while seemingly trite it was my first, real, heartbreak, the heaviness loss of my daddy.
I'm acutely aware that what people struggle with in the larger scheme of life,cancer, murder, etc however, the dark hours that followed for me were as a result of this experience of losing my buddy. The point isn't that specific experience but the things that I carried from it as a result; you will not feel this depth of pain, to this capacity forever. Even when it feels like it now, the Gods above will grant you some respite before you crumble. And, the most important one was this; It is our job to lift people up. Caring, is not a "special personality trait" it is what we are here to do. If we aren't genuinely caring, unconditionally loving, connecting- holding and selflessly giving to those around us, what matters?
Meet Angela. She was the girlfriend of my buddy who ultimately made his last weeks hell. There is a special place in Hell for people like her who harm unarmed people.
When I was heaving in a ball, clutching my heart you were planning, scheming, sending prayers and notes. With no expectation, just to 'wave
hello' that you were out there, thinking of me. I didn't realize the expansiveness of what it felt like to be HELD until I went through that. But, the thing I also didn't prepare for was; In order for me to heal, part of what I needed to do was reveal to those dear, the parts of
me that were still aching.
While, I see infinite magic, miracles and awe in this singular precious life that we're living, I recognize and acknowledge that there is true pain and heartbreak happening. That we're all surviving and navigating through our own suffering. We're experiencing loss of our loved ones, our visions, our self-control, our fortitude. Our minds. We're hurting. We each have different degrees of pain, on different timelines, wearing different outfits. But all of us have it. Which makes this whole COMPASSION thing, pretty essential.
Be there before someone needs to ask. Rush to their side. Assume they need tequila. Or Starbucks. Assume they need you to listen. Assume they need a bowl of spaghetti. Be still and silent. Expand your own heart and test your humanity by beving brave enough to truly comprehend what they must be feeling. When the words on the tip of your tongue are just answers for YOU, reevaluate them and give words made for who's in front of you. Take yourself out of the picture. Reserve your need to find a solution, or be right, or make a judgment and realize that by presently being with someone the answers you thought you had for them, actually work both ways and that there's something they're teaching you too. Make a little more space in your heart!
In my situation, I only had a select few who knew to what level I was hurting because nobody could know how much I indeed cared for my friend. That was difficult. Only his mother knew and a really close doctor friend of mine.
Pour one out for your homie! Or dedicate a prayer, mindfully.
Send out a practice. A poem. A card that says, "...we'll find our 'happy.'" Send pears, or cabernet, bad chick flicks, or text messages full of emoticons.
Feed. Nurture. Nap with. Peel. DO THE HEAVY LIFTING. All for someone else.
...and if you are in the place of asking; it's okay.
Declare what you are and what you are not. What can be and what you need a little help with for awhile.
Give your pain a name and let the people who love you, snuggle up next to that distinct, bitter anguish and let them endure the thing with you. When you feel stale and vacuous, ask for a sip of their light to start the engines again. Then let them sweep you away from the ache, if even for a moment and make you smile again. Let them distract you. Take you on an adventure. Stimulate your senses, through food and music and newness. Let those around you make you feel alive again, when you're enduring the deepest opaque moments, when you think it isn't possible- feel. Alive!
There's a reason we have the ability to hold each other. So keep your arms open.
If sleep, or the night. If food, or the mirror. If loneliness, or the silence. If unanswerable questions, or the confusion. If the ability to make a five minute plan, let alone a 5 year plan is plaguing you, we're here.
When you need a ride. Someone to tell you a story. A partner in crime. Physical presence. A light. Someone to count to three for you so you can scream on four. A person to look you in the eyes and say, "...you're going to be okay." When you need these things, ASK. But more than asking, be these things. This is our job, it is part of the human condition to take care of one another.
