My friend, B

I’m always shocked when people ask me for advice. Mostly because I’m someone who can never decide on which shoes to wear, or how to wear my hair and I have been known to call people to ask what I should eat for dinner. I’m still unsure of how to parallel park, bake brownies without burning them or have a relationship that’s more meaningful than the one I currently have with Jon Stewart.

However.

I recently was talking with a friend who was in the process of breaking up with his current girlfriend. How does one end a relationship? Suddenly, I could feel my brain stretching to hold all the thoughts I had on this topic. As someone who has been broken up with, I feel it’s my civic duty to share what I learned in order to stop hopeless lads from following in the footsteps of my clueless ex-boyfriend.

Thus, I’ve broken down the rules to remember if you ever find yourself in the unfortunate situation of wanting to quit someone.

Rule #1: Do not, I repeat, do not dump someone on their birthday.
Um, yeah. Getting dumped on your birthday is about as fun as getting a pap smear with a cactus. Birthdays are seen as a time to celebrate so getting dumped on one is usually a complete shock to the person who is getting the news. Also, it ruins future birthdays, since you will have a handy built in reminder every year of what happened on that day. It’s a toss-up as to what sticks with you longer- remembering your 5th birthday when you got a pony, or remembering your 23rd birthday when you were dumped out of nowhere (No really, it happened). Although, the plus side is you usually get to eat their slice of cake. So I mean, at least there’s that.

Rule #2: When honesty isn’t the best policy
So you are dumping her because you dislike her family? She has man hands? You’ve found someone who wears cooler shoes? Don’t say that. Really. There’s a nasty rumor going around that being completely honest is the way to go- that is a lie. Being completely honest when it’s going to hurt their feelings even more isn’t selfless- it’s selfish. Because the only person who feels better ‘sharing it all’ is you. And when you are dumping someone, the last thing you should be thinking about is how you can most clearly express how they don’t measure up to the new person you fancy. Or just how annoying their voice is on the phone. Chances are your soon-to-be ex will not take this well- and will begin beating you with her footwear.

Rule #3: Don’t make it public
I understand the idea of wanting to break up with someone in a public place. There’s less chance of yelling, tears, extreme physical abuse with a pointy stiletto. But, I think it’s also disrespectful. If you have been dating for longer than 3 days, there’s a chance there will be tears and creating a situation where someone is forced to cry (and maybe even do the ugly cry) in public just isn’t Cary Grant classy (And yes, Cary Grant Classy is what we are striving for afterall.

Rule #4: Exit Strategy
So you’ve broken up. You’ve said sorry, you’ve talked it out, wished each other well. Now leave. Do not linger. If you are say, in a hotel room, stop being cheap and pay for another room. Forcing your presence on someone whom you’ve just shunned is usually more painful than the break up. Trust me.

Rule #5: Friends?
Realize that depending on personality, length of relationship, reason for ending it, an ex may not want to be friends with you. In a perfect world all ex’s would meet up for coffee on Tuesdays and laugh at the ridiculousness of them dating. They would swap vacation photos and be invited to each others weddings. But it’s not a perfect world. And the worse your break up job is, the less likely she’s going to want to be friends afterwards. So have a little Cary Grant class, a little compassion and maybe one day she will want to be your friend. Or maybe just your facebook friend. Or maybe nothing. That is the chance you take, when you dive into the dating pool.
I think that’s it.

Good luck dear friend. I hope it ends without physical abuse and that you show both respect and thoughtfulness in a time when both are needed.

Signs you may need a man

My dearest twenty-something singleton friend just phoned with details of her latest wildly romantic escapade. I'm talking bodice-ripper, scandalous yet soulful pirate on the romance novel cover level of escapade. After a in depth dish session, she then asked what sorts of excitement I'd gotten myself into lately.

Having recently covered my tedious thirty-something basics - my education, career, house, - I signed off of the call shortly thereafter, resigned and, if I'm being honest, perhaps just a little sad. Not that my friendship is by any means competitive, but our conversation reminded me that my days of calling friends to dissect the man du jour have hit a dry spell!

And then, not five minutes later, inspiration struck me - immature inspiration, admittedly, but inspiration nonetheless - as I grabbed my Blackberry. Pulse racing, I snapped a picture, pressed "send", and breathed a sigh of relief as I realized that I haven't left all impulsive love affairs behind me along with my 20s

I sent my friend a photo of my handbag. Yes. My handbag. I may not have any hot, tantalizing romances with hot gents but, by God, I'm clinging to the right to love & cherish fashion which I find on sale, 'til death - or American Express - do us part.