Needs Improvement

Fact: I am horrible at math.

I'm sure I mentioned it before how in college my freshmen year I got 17% on a math midterm and my teacher wrote “good improvement” on my exam, because it was.

I was always told that if I tried harder, studied longer, asked more questions, that I would improve. So I tried. I sat in the front row, never missed a class, had tutors and a calculator so complex I’m sure I could have used it to beam aboard the Endeavour spacecraft.

And I still failed.

Because I’m just not the girl who can do long division in her head without looking like she’s in physical pain.

I’m also not the girl who remembers to pick up her dry cleaning on time. I’m not the girl who can eat spaghetti without spilling it, nor am I the girl who can build a bookcase without have at least 7 leftover parts. I’m not the girl who can cook lobster to perfection, hit a baseball out of the park or sew anything more complicated than a straight line.

I’m not a girl who is able to quit a job without feeling like she failed. I’m not a girl who is able to bite her tongue when she’s mad, remember an umbrella when it looks like rain or can stop from crying at a wedding.

No matter how hard I tried to become her, the girl I’m not is the girl I will never be. And I’m okay with that. Because sometimes knowing what you can’t do- what you will never do, what you don’t want to do, allows you to appreciate everything you can do, and everything you are. Because what I see now is when I add up all the things I’m not, they will never measure who I am.

I’m still bad at math, the only difference is that I can now fully appreciate how excellent I am at so much else. I may not be able to do long division in my head but I can give a goodbye toast that will knock your socks off. I can’t multiply by 13 in rapid fire, but I can ride a horse, write a play, make the best chicken tetrazzini you will ever have. I can’t recite pi to 14 places (only 12, and this was learned only out of boredom) but I can spend an entire day with 20 kids who all want to be pirates and not kill myself, in fact- I will enjoy myself.

I’m not a girl who can apply the mathematical “FOIL” rule as quickly as others, but I can drive a muscle car in tall girl shoes.

And that seems like a good improvement.

Ho's

Dear Everyone who is planning on dressing up for Halloween this year,

Let me preface this by saying I love Halloween. I do. But the idea of searching for the perfect costume leaves me feeling drunk with happiness.

The last couple of years I’ve been a Pamela Anderson sans Kid Rock, Marie Antoinette, Pink, and one year I was Ashley Olsen while Haven was Mary-Kate.

I take Halloween seriously. So it’s with much love and respect that I come to you all with this plea: Can we all bypass going out this year dressed in our bras and calling it a costume? My heart sinks when I enter a room and find myself surrounded by groups of girls dressed in nothing more than a bra and panties, with the truly ‘creative’ girls adding wings. Adding wings when you are 97% naked doesn’t turn your outfit into something. Really. I promise. It just makes you the girl in your bra wearing wings.

Don’t get me wrong, I understand that Halloween is about expression. It’s about taking chances, finding something that sets you apart, taking a risk. And for some of you, maybe ‘taking a risk’ implies leaving your pants at home (and for some of you sadly, it does not). But I want you to know, that when it’s your third Halloween wearing the plastic bra and fishnets, you are no longer taking a risk. If you truly believe that Halloween is about expression, take a real risk and put more clothes on. Be something (or someone) unexpected. Because going out dressed like a member of *”ho train” doesn’t show me that you’ve put any thought into your costume. In fact, it just makes me think that your house burnt down, you have no friends to lend you clothes and you’ve showed up almost naked hoping someone will give you a shirt to put on.

And if I run into you while you stand there in your push up bra and and fishnets and ask you what you are (because I will do that- seeing the panic in your eyes and you try to think of what to call yourself is one of my Halloween highlights), at least have something prepared- calling yourself a whore in a roomful of similarly dressed girls isn’t original. Call yourself a Frederick’s of Hollywood catalogue girl. Then you will at least have admiration, but not my respect.
I save that for the group of girls who dress up like garden peas with bruised eyes and call themselves “The Black-Eyed Peas”.

I told you I take Halloween seriously.

A spirited plea,

Amaya

1. I’ve come to realize that my chest-size. . . is a perfect size.
2. I’ve come to realize that my job. . . can be all consuming if I let it. (The 38 unanswered emails in my inbox are my proof).
3. I’ve come to realize that when I’m driving alone. . . I sound a little less off tune and a lot more like Pink! Haha!
4. I’ve come to realize that I need. . . a new winter coat in snow white.
5. I’ve come to realize that I have lost. . . the urge to “look cool” in the winter and wear hip, thin coats. I do not care if I look like a marshmallow or the Michelin Man, or the Michelin Man after he ate the worlds biggest marshmallow, vanity is out the window for the next few months. I shall not be satisfied until I feel as though the inferno of Hell is wrapped around me. (Seriously though, coat suggestions?)
6. I’ve come to realize that I hate it when. . . I fall out of the loop with friends.
7. I’ve come to realize that if I’m drunk. . . a) I’m going to want you to be drunk with me- no matter the cost, b) tequila shots must be consumed c) I will want to listen to “Pony” on repeat and d) if you aren’t at the party? I’m going to want to call you. To tell you that I love you, that I drank tequila and that you should listen to me sing all the words of “Pony”
8. I’ve come to realize that money. . . isn’t so darn stressful when you’re receiving a regular paycheck. .
9. I’ve come to realize that certain people. . . will disappoint you for being exactly the person you thought they were.
10. I’ve come to realize that I’ll always. . . Be a daddy’s girl. Will never forget him and will always miss him.
11. I’ve come to realize that my sibling(s). . . A) are some of the greatest people I know. B) Are horrible gift givers.
12. I’ve come to realize that my mommy…..Is one of the strongest women I know. She’s also the smartest.
13. I’ve come to realize that cell phones. . . are essential. The end.
14. I’ve come to realize that when I woke up this morning. . . I was excited to go to work. I also realized how lucky that makes me.
15. I’ve come to realize that last night before I went to sleep. . . I should have spent more time taking off my mascara. This morning I looked like Courtney Love on a bender!
16. I’ve come to realize that right now I am thinking. . . I wish it were snowing here.
17. I’ve come to realize that my daddy…was the greatest gift ever given to me. He is still with me. He’s the perfect man. I want one just like him.
18. I’ve come to realize that when I get on Facebook. . . I turn into a stage 5 stalker who gets inappropriately angry when she can’t see the photos of people she’s not friends with!
19. I’ve come to realize that today. . . was better than yesterday. I’m feeling healthier.
20. I’ve come to realize that tonight. . . I shouldn’t have been so hard on Haven.
21. I’ve come to realize that tomorrow. . . is my half day! Hooray! This means I teach only in the mornings, get paid for only being in the mornings but end up staying there all day to get all my work done! Hooray! On the plus side, at least when I’m beating the hell out of the photocopier and cursing it’s stubborn, electronic existence, I can do it without worrying about being late for class.
22. I’ve come to realize that I really want to. . . do something different with my hair, buy a new dining room table, and complete daddy’s shrine.
23. I’ve come to realize that some people… will always know how to make me swoon!
24. I’ve come to realize that life. . . (I hate this question so I’m not answering it. Seriously, I can answer all these other ones but this one reminds me of Forrest Gump.
25. I’ve come to realize that this weekend. . . is going to be nine thousand different shades of awesome! J/k! It’s one of my best buds birthdays and she’s rented a skating ring, complete with bartender. It’s an 8o’s retro theme. I’m sure the girls will get ridiculusy drunk.
26. I’ve realized the best music to listen to when I am upset. . . The Little Mermaid soundtrack. I dare you not crack a smile singing Sebastian’s part in “Kiss the Girl”.
27. I’ve come to realize that my friends. . . are awesome. Further proof needed? See # 25
28. I’ve come to realize that this year. . . has been one for the record books.
29. I’ve come to realize that my ex(s). . . and the memories of the things they did will forever make me giggle.
30. I’ve come to realize that maybe I should. . . share some of the ex stories, but I’m always afraid people might be reading this…
31. I’ve come to realize that I love. . . Good people with good hearts.
32. I’ve come to realize that I don’t understand. . .Rush Limbaugh.
33. I’ve come to realize my past. . . explains so much of my present.
34. I’ve come to realize that parties. . . are better when costumed. Or there’s tequila. OR THERE’S TEQUILA AND COSTUMES.
35. I’ve come to realize that I’m totally terrified. . . of a middle aged stalker who is threatened by me because her boyfriend told her he wanted me. The psychosis doesn’t allow her to understand that don’t want him.
36. I’ve come to realize that my life. . . is far too amazing and complex to answer in one sentence. (hello perfect cop-out answer, nice to meet you. I’m your lazy friend Amaya)

This teacher needs help too

Reading aloud to children is one of my most favorite things about being a teacher.

I love how children get excited about listening to stories and learning how to read.

It wasn't until I actually began to teach, that I would realize that the students would be the ones
who would help me learn how to teach.

I now know that now matter what age they may be, they are going to be excited to sit in a reading corner.

I now know that no matter how many times you say pretzel legs or crisscross applesauce- someone in the front row will sit on her knees.

I now know that now matter how slowly you show the pictures there is always one student who will shout out, "I can't see!"I know now that expression is the key to attention.

I now know that when you stop to ask a question, you never know if you are going to get an answer or "Hey, Ms. W., I like your bracelet!"

I now know that if a bee flies in or an ant crawls by, I will have to stop reading an carefully try to help the insect exit the room. I ALSO know that if I DON'T do this there is no possible way that reading will resume until the little guest has been carried outside to safety by all twenty children.

I have been working so hard to finish setting up my room, but unfortunately there is one BIG thing missing...BOOKS! There are obviously many books to be borrowed around the school, but I am missing my own classroom library. My personal collection, simply is not enough. If by any small chance you or someone you know would like to donate used books to my classroom I know that the children would really really appreciate it.

Please email me if you would like to donate a book or two to help build our classroom library.

amayawarner@hotmail.com

A teacher has many pets!

This was hand delievered to me this morning after being out for a couple of days. I was told that the author of this nice letter allegedly called someone a fatty, threw rocks at another student's head, and took someone's shoes and threw them down the twisty slide. I said that I'm going to need proof ;-) Who could write such a sweet note and do those cruel things. Notice the V instead of W? I have my work cut out for me!!!

The Point of you is?

Setting: Friday afternoon. My classroom.

Walter*Teacha, you know what?

Me: What?

Walter: You know what the point of you is?

Me: Hmm… to make sure that you know how to read

Walter: No. To be holding my ice cream so I can get my coat on for recess.

Though I like to think that there is more of a point (or just more points?) to my life than to be an ice cream holder so a small child with poor motor skills can do up his coat, his statement charmed me – and has made me proud of the excellent way I hold his ice cream every-freaking-day.

What is the point of you?

(*And seriously, that’s how he says ‘teacher’. Teacha. He’s so damn cute he makes those Anne Geddes pictures look ugly.)

Amaya's Rules

1. Flowers will never fix everything (Unless they are my favorite flower- Stephanotis and then let’s face it, they can fix everything).


2. When you are wrong, admit it. When you are sorry, say it. When you are in love, declare it.

3. Sometimes it just won’t go your way. And in those moments, it’s perfectly acceptable to stay in your pajamas, eat a lot of cheesecake and watch Regis and Kelly (and secretly hate Kelly for being utterly perfect so early in the morning. Her arms! That hair! The wardrobe!). You get to do this for up to a week. And then you must start showering again.

4. Love isn’t always easy but it shouldn’t always be hard.

5. Unless you’ve recently underwent major eye surgery, it’s impossible for you to wear sunglasses indoors or at night without looking like a major douche.


6. When in doubt, bring wine to the party. Unless you want to be absolutely adored forever and in THAT case, bring German chocolate cake (and wine, obviously). Trust.

7. The ref won’t be able to hear you, but yelling at the television will always make you feel better. (On this note can I just say, hello football season- you have been missed).

8. Never say “no” because you are scared. Say it for a million other reasons, but never say it because you are scared of what happens if you say “yes”.

9. Condoms cost less than babies. Word.

10. People will always remember how you made them feel. So make them feel good.