My fellow Blackberry users:
Expect multiple messages from me today discussing how my day is being wasted by listening to strangers tell me that I shouldn’t tell parents to ‘fuck off’ if I’m angry at them and I should also not participate in wet t-shirt contests in my spare time. Even if I know I could win. (Because let’s face it, I would). I will try to keep the swearing down to a minimum. Ditto excessive exclamation marks (which will be the only way I feel I can clearly illustrate my rage).
Sorry in advance,
Maya
Friday, August 28, 2009
So there
Ok, so life has changed. A lot! I'm not happy with it, but I have to somehow pick up the pieces. I've been stuck in the deepest, darkest hole for days. I haven't slept well because my mind is focused on my daddy.
My family and I have lost something that will never be replaced. It's been absolutely devastating. Most of my friends have been wonderful. Most have even respected my wishes. Others have been distant and unapologetic for their own selfish reasons. It's really sad to say, but it really leaves a lasting taste. There is no excuse for their behavior. Unfortunately it has changed me. I'm always going to remember their actions or lack their of. I'm going to do what daddy would do -- he would never judge them, he would pray for them.
I'm not going to waste anymore energy on wondering why. I'm going to focus on Daddy's causes and his legacy. I'm a proud daughter.
In other news, we recieved a card from 'Monica' who was there when Mommy had to stop CPR at 10:25, who helped us throughout the entire process. She touched on how close my entire family was, how odd it is to see that these days. She was inspired by our bond and how our extended family and friends trickled in as they heard the news. She picked up the phone and called her own parents in AZ and told them how much she loved them. Just another person that my sweet daddy touched.
I spent most of my adult life taking care of daddy. I even have questions as to if I did enough. I basically moved them in to my house 2 hours away from our home in McLean. I just ask that you spend time with your parents, let them know how much you love them because this has been the worst pain I've ever experienced. AML was a walk in the park. I've lost a brother--that was hard. Losing my daddy has been a nightmare. I did everything I could for daddy. I wouldn't want anyone else to ever experience this pain with doubts.
It's raining, it's foggy. It's ugly out. I hope my day goes better.
My family and I have lost something that will never be replaced. It's been absolutely devastating. Most of my friends have been wonderful. Most have even respected my wishes. Others have been distant and unapologetic for their own selfish reasons. It's really sad to say, but it really leaves a lasting taste. There is no excuse for their behavior. Unfortunately it has changed me. I'm always going to remember their actions or lack their of. I'm going to do what daddy would do -- he would never judge them, he would pray for them.
I'm not going to waste anymore energy on wondering why. I'm going to focus on Daddy's causes and his legacy. I'm a proud daughter.
In other news, we recieved a card from 'Monica' who was there when Mommy had to stop CPR at 10:25, who helped us throughout the entire process. She touched on how close my entire family was, how odd it is to see that these days. She was inspired by our bond and how our extended family and friends trickled in as they heard the news. She picked up the phone and called her own parents in AZ and told them how much she loved them. Just another person that my sweet daddy touched.
I spent most of my adult life taking care of daddy. I even have questions as to if I did enough. I basically moved them in to my house 2 hours away from our home in McLean. I just ask that you spend time with your parents, let them know how much you love them because this has been the worst pain I've ever experienced. AML was a walk in the park. I've lost a brother--that was hard. Losing my daddy has been a nightmare. I did everything I could for daddy. I wouldn't want anyone else to ever experience this pain with doubts.
It's raining, it's foggy. It's ugly out. I hope my day goes better.
Thursday, August 27, 2009
My world has turned upside down
With daddy's passing, the world has been turned upside down. Today has been bad. I miss him more and more each day. I can't believe it's been 17 days since I've seen him. I keep thinking that I will wake up from this and I will see him soon. Only this is real.
I came home to my house alone tonight. It was the scariest, loneliest feeling in the world. I miss him sooo much. Everywhere I go, people are still apologizing.
T--I'm sorry about the flowers from you and Chris. I don't want any reminders of his death. I know you meant well, but I can't handle flowers. That was a very nice gesture.
Dirty Dancing is on right now and it's nice to see a young, healthy, sexy, Patrick Swayze.
Mommy had another bad day, with many more to come.
My relationship with God has grown stronger. He knows how much I miss my daddy.
I'm sick of crying. To bed I go.
I came home to my house alone tonight. It was the scariest, loneliest feeling in the world. I miss him sooo much. Everywhere I go, people are still apologizing.
T--I'm sorry about the flowers from you and Chris. I don't want any reminders of his death. I know you meant well, but I can't handle flowers. That was a very nice gesture.
Dirty Dancing is on right now and it's nice to see a young, healthy, sexy, Patrick Swayze.
Mommy had another bad day, with many more to come.
My relationship with God has grown stronger. He knows how much I miss my daddy.
I'm sick of crying. To bed I go.
Monday, August 24, 2009
A New Day
So I went to daddy yesterday, I watched the sunset there and I just told him about my day. I went to bed feeling scared and alone. This morning I woke up upset because he isn't here and I said to myself that this is real, not a dream.
Does anyone know how to preserve the smell on clothes? Any secrets or suggestions?
Mommy is cleaning my house! Normally it's me doing all the work. I guess it helps her feel better. Whatever works. It's better than seeing her just crying. Yesterday was awful for all of us. She told her sister that it hit her like a ton of bricks that he's gone and he's not coming back. I'm actually going to talk to a medical professional. Im an emotional roller coaster. I was told i'm still in denial by someone who knows firsthand what i'm dealing with.
Daddy's death has brought me closer to God. I know I can count on God to get me through this. One day I will see him again. I just have to realize that daddy was ready, he was tired, and when he told me in the hospital bed before he passed that he wanted to go home, he meant home to eternity. He fought a good fight for 18 years. I enjoyed everyday, every minute I spent with him. He's the only man I ever trusted. He was the man that held me tight when I was scared. He helped me through so many things. Now I turn to him and ask what would daddy do?
I'm going to make today a good day. I'm tired of crying all of the time.
Does anyone know how to preserve the smell on clothes? Any secrets or suggestions?
Mommy is cleaning my house! Normally it's me doing all the work. I guess it helps her feel better. Whatever works. It's better than seeing her just crying. Yesterday was awful for all of us. She told her sister that it hit her like a ton of bricks that he's gone and he's not coming back. I'm actually going to talk to a medical professional. Im an emotional roller coaster. I was told i'm still in denial by someone who knows firsthand what i'm dealing with.
Daddy's death has brought me closer to God. I know I can count on God to get me through this. One day I will see him again. I just have to realize that daddy was ready, he was tired, and when he told me in the hospital bed before he passed that he wanted to go home, he meant home to eternity. He fought a good fight for 18 years. I enjoyed everyday, every minute I spent with him. He's the only man I ever trusted. He was the man that held me tight when I was scared. He helped me through so many things. Now I turn to him and ask what would daddy do?
I'm going to make today a good day. I'm tired of crying all of the time.
Sunday, August 23, 2009
Its been 13 days
It's been 13 days since I last held his hand. It's been 13 days since I last saw his beautiful face with life. It's been 13 days since I saw that smile that lit up a room. It's been 13 days of torture.
My life has been turned upside down. I miss him so much. I still look for him and I imagine him with me everywhere I go. I'm assuming these are coping mechanisms.
I always knew he was sick and as much as the doctors tried to 'prepare' us for this, you never get prepared for death. It's the loneliest, most awful feeling in the world. I have always been a daddy's girl so a part of me went on with him when he passed.
My sisters and brothers all have children, significant others. I chose to take care of daddy and subconciously I put my life on hold. I lived and breathed with my daddy. So when my family tells me I have to get it together, I can't! I am a daddy's girl who was hooked at his hip.
My mother refuses to throw away the flowers. The smell breaks my heart even more each time I smell that awful scent. I've never liked the smell of flowers anyway.
I am sitting across from daddy's chaise. I imagine him sitting there and drinking his coffee. I imagine him smiling at me without being in pain.
I really had a lot of great times with him. I miss his singing. I miss his wink*. Life has been horrible lately. I have put all of my faith in God who will get me thru this.
Please keep us in your prayers. This has been the worst experience of my life. But God only gives me as much as I can handle.
My life has been turned upside down. I miss him so much. I still look for him and I imagine him with me everywhere I go. I'm assuming these are coping mechanisms.
I always knew he was sick and as much as the doctors tried to 'prepare' us for this, you never get prepared for death. It's the loneliest, most awful feeling in the world. I have always been a daddy's girl so a part of me went on with him when he passed.
My sisters and brothers all have children, significant others. I chose to take care of daddy and subconciously I put my life on hold. I lived and breathed with my daddy. So when my family tells me I have to get it together, I can't! I am a daddy's girl who was hooked at his hip.
My mother refuses to throw away the flowers. The smell breaks my heart even more each time I smell that awful scent. I've never liked the smell of flowers anyway.
I am sitting across from daddy's chaise. I imagine him sitting there and drinking his coffee. I imagine him smiling at me without being in pain.
I really had a lot of great times with him. I miss his singing. I miss his wink*. Life has been horrible lately. I have put all of my faith in God who will get me thru this.
Please keep us in your prayers. This has been the worst experience of my life. But God only gives me as much as I can handle.
Friday, August 14, 2009
Daddy
Daddy died on Monday August 10, 2009 at 9:03 am. He was very sick when he passed. Today is his birthday. It has been the hardest thing to date to endure. Its been bad.
Today, it's his birthday. Happy Birthday daddy. I love him sooo much.
Today, it's his birthday. Happy Birthday daddy. I love him sooo much.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)