How does it happen?

Maybe you meet in a coffee shop- no, of course you don’t, who ever meets in a coffee shop? Maybe you meet in a crowded pub when his beer splashes your arm and as you wipe it dry you rack your brain thinking of all the clever things you always wanted to say if you were ever to meet a boy like this. Or maybe you meet through friends or online or maybe you meet at work- and through a handful of casual conversations discussing weekend plans and the weather you decide you like this boy.

However it happens, you meet.

You have all those conversations that you suspect no one else ever has. A thousand inside jokes are born, a million stories are filed away, kept safe for you to bring up and reference later just to show this person that you remember everything they’ve told you. That you feel all their stories are valuable enough to keep forever- worthy of you shoving aside room in your already crowded head for the memories they hold dear. You remember the name of his cousin he ran out of school with on the first day of school, you laugh as he tells you stories of himself as a child and while driving to work you find yourself humming the tune he said he’d play at our wedding.

It’s easy, at first. The jokes, the stories, the late nights discussing everything your mind touches. No topic is left untouched, no opinion is not worth sharing. You sometimes feel empty- not as though you are less but as though you’ve shared everything you could and it feels wonderful.

Of course you are amazed that someone feels the same way. You are surprised by their thoughtful gestures, their words, the way they remember what kind of flowers you like and goes out of his way to ship them from Madagascar. The stories they save to tell you, the way they know exactly what words will save you when you are upset, the letter they write to principals of the world demanding they hire you when you admit you are scared you will never get a job. You are surprised by it all- each action, each word more than anything you ever could have admitted wanting. And although there’s a multitude of factors involved that are less than perfect, you find yourself marveling at how perfect your world is.

Time goes by. Quirks become less endearing, words have double meaning, reality fills in the cracks, you go to bed angry. You go to bed sad. Not only because you are seeing that it’s not as easy as it once was- but because you discover there are times neither of you are willing to back down, neither of you are willing to stop something that’s started, to call a time out and wait until cooler heads prevail. You are sad to realize that there are times when you would both rather be right than happy. And you are heartbroken to discover that perhaps what you want isn’t the same thing at all.

And what worries you isn’t the fight at hand or the heartbreak that you currently feel, it’s the idea of someone who has become so important to you ever leaving. You know that such thoughts make you sound crazy, like the girl you vowed you’d never be but you play games where you lift him out of your life and see where the empty gaps are and suddenly you realize how much this person adds to your world- and how different it would be if they were gone. Of course you know you would survive without them but it’s the idea that you don’t want them to go, that with a clear realization of how dramatic it all sounds- that you are happier with them than without, which keeps you up at night.

So you are left with a choice, you are always left with a choice. You can choose to accept this person as they are- in any form you can have them, without conditions or restraints even if it means it’s less than what you hoped for or you can not have them at all and live in a world that’s a little more grey. And so you choose them. Of course, you choose them. There may not be a fairy tale ending, your heartbreak might engulf you for a time- but you will crawl out of all of it with a good friend beside you who will remind you of how perfect your world can be, even if only for a little while.

And that is how it is.

Through my eyes

Things I believe in….

I believe that “sleeping on it” always helps figure out life’s big problems. Unless you are sleeping on a rock, then I’m against it.

I believe if your $15 lip gloss makes you feel like a million bucks, it’s worth it.

I believe that the only thing more dangerous than a president with a narrow minded personal agenda, is a public who votes him into office. Twice.

I believe in forgiving people, not for them, but for yourself. I believe, this is easier said than done.

I believe that everyone belongs to someone.

I believe that drinking alone doesn’t make you an alcoholic. Only drinking alone, maybe…

I believe that a true, honest, platonic friendship rarely can occur between a man and woman, but that it can occur. I believe I’m cynical about this because I’m much more like Harry than Sally.

I believe the hardest lesson to learn is that you can’t help who you love, and trying to understand why you do, will lead to a weekly therapist appointment and a strange love affair with late night television.

I believe that you don’t have to call your best friend at 3am, to prove she’s your 3am friend.

I believe everyone looks prettier when they are happy and are happier when they are feeling pretty.

I believe in thank you notes, tipping even when the food wasn’t great, and solo break dancing performances at weddings.

I believe that crying when your sports team loses a big game is perfectly acceptable- crying every time they lose a game, is not.

I believe in regrets, and that I’m a girl who needs to say I have them.

I believe every song sounds better live, every pie tastes better homemade and every shoe is more fabulous when it’s on sale.

I believe teachers are undervalued. I believe I think this because I am, was, a) a teacher and b) someone who sees on a daily basis the gigantic impact a teacher has on students. I also believe that anyone who utters the phrase ‘two month holiday’ in regards to how easy teachers have it, has never heard the phrase ‘ school wide lice outbreak’.

I believe that money provides freedom, and freedom provides happiness.

I believe “I’m sorry” always sounds better than “I apologize”.

I believe you can love someone more deeply and clearly than ever before, and still be the absolutely wrong person for them. I believe that knowing this, doesn’t always bring comfort, in fact, it usually doesn’t.

I believe that a woman should choose what she does with her body. I also believe, that abortion shouldn’t be used as a form of birth control. I believe that this is a topic that needs more than three sentences to be fully explained.

I believe opening your presents on Christmas Eve is cheating.

I believe that forgiving someone doesn’t mean you need to be friends with them.

I believe if someone wants to propose marriage to you, they will. I believe that asking for a proposal is asking for something I would never want.

I believe in the usefulness of interactive toys, light up games and sturdy Baby Einstein books. I also believe that an empty refrigerator box is the best gift you can give a child.

I believe that unless you voted, you haven’t earned the right to complain about the government.

I believe every success I’ve had has been the result of parents who gave me a truckload of confidence and an eye for great handbags.

I believe people need to let the Anna Nicole thing go. Seriously. Charges against her ex bf and baby daddy?!

I believe being ‘complicated’ doesn’t make you interesting. Some of the most fascinating people I know are those who live life simply, without the tanglements of drama.

Physically Exhausted, Emotionally Bankrupt

Thats all.

I've changed my mind

I Just Can't Stop Loving You is my favorite MJ song. I can't stop listening to his music. I've always been a fan. I just realize today how timeless his music is. There will never be another Michael.

How freaking cute is this?

This little mini is only $40! It's perfect for work! Soooooooooo cheap and cute. It's JCrew of course.

Be still my heart!

The Embossed Cotton Aubrey Halter dress from JCREW. Adoreable for summer soirees :)

I want this in pink, black, and daffodil! It's on sale for $78

Refreshing morning, not so much.

I spent most of last night awake, monitoring my dad. I did however manage to sleep in this morning. I slept til 10 am. Thats unheard of! I loved every second of it too.

Kennedy and Emily awoke me. We're heading to the Green Way on our bikes and having a picnic.

I'm hoping today will be better. It's not looking so nice at this point. More on that later.

Have you ever felt as if nothing you ever do is good enough? Even though it was supposed to have been a nice gesture, even after the fact that somehow they always twist it around and make you feel like shit for not dotting all the i's and crossing all of the T's. Hindsight is 20/20.
I wouldn't have even bothered, looking back. That nice gesture that didn't happen has just ruined my day.

My favorite MJ song

Hey Pretty Baby with the high heels on

You Give Me Fever

Like I've Never,

Ever Known

You're Just A Product Of Loveliness

I Like The Groove Of Your Walk,

Your Talk, Your Dress

I Feel Your Fever

From Miles Around

I'll Pick You Up In My Car

And We'll Paint The Town

Just Kiss Me Baby

And Tell Me Twice

That You're The One For Me

The Way You Make Me Feel

(The Way You Make Me Feel)

You Really Turn Me On

(You Really Turn Me On)

You Knock Me Off Of My Feet

(You Knock Me Off OfMy Feet)

My Lonely Days Are Gone

(My Lonely Days Are Gone)

I Like The Feelin' You'reGivin' Me

Just Hold Me Baby

And I'mIn Ecstasy

Oh I'll Be Workin' From NineTo Five

To Buy You Things

To KeepYou By My Side

I Never Felt So In Love Before

Just Promise Baby, You'll Love Me Forever more

I Swear I'm Keepin' You Satisfied'

Cause You're The One For Me

The Way You Make Me Feel

(The Way You Make Me Feel)

You Really Turn Me On

(You Really Turn Me On)

You Knock Me Off Of My Feet Now Baby-Hee

!You Knock Me Off OfMy Feet)

My Lonely Days Are Gone

(My Lonely Days Are Gone)

I Never Felt So In Love Before

Promise Baby,

You'll Love MeForevermore

I Swear I'm Keepin' You Satisfied

'Cause You're The One ForMe . . .

Michael Jackson

Michael Jackson has died. 50 years old. I'm still shocked. More later

Catching up

These past fews days have passed by me so quickly. I've been spending a lot of time in Nova. I can honestly say I've missed it! Monday I went shopping at Dulles, which basically sucked. The Nordstrom isn't that great either. I still managed to spend over $400 s0mehow on some jeans, a shirt and a Juicy bracelet.



Tuesday was Isaiah's party which was fun for the kiddies. I spent Tuesday night with my grandparents. You all know by now that I can't sleep there. I hear them talking all night and I'm left giggling and smiling like a kid in my twin size bed. Paw Paw went with me to my dr's appt., with me yesterday. He slept in his wheelchair the entire time. He didn't even know we were there :)



Haven called me and was in crisis mode. She says she hasn't felt well in days. She's always angry and sad. Once I told Mom she went running to Chantilly. We hung out and I chilled with Luke who is adoreble. The name fits the little guy. We then went to Jackson's for dinner. During the middle of happy hour, it was very crowded! There was no shortage of goodlooking men there! I will definetly be back and yes Michelle, you're coming with me :)



I'm back to dieting seriously again. I've decided that I need to be accountable for what I do and what I don't do. So i'm going to post each day every meal and every workout. I will monitor my progress here too. I won't be talking numbers, just yet! Maybe as I progress I will. We'll see. Lets get started, shall we?



BREAKFAST



Egg McMuffin Delight

1 Coffee (3 splenda, 3 cream)





SNACK



1 low fat peanut butter cookie



LUNCH



Parmesan Crusted Tilapia w/

Penne pasta in tomatoe sauce with zucchini and carrots ( Lean Cuisine frozen entree!)



Strawberry Cheesecake 99% fat free Yoplait Yogurt



1 20 0z bottle of Deer Park H20



DINNER @ 7

Mojito Lime Grilled Chicken

Brussell Sprouts

Water

Excercise: Uuummmm. Nada. Tired





I want feedback from you guys. I want to know what I need to alter and what I need to improve on. You will thank me :) My ass isn't what it once was!






I'm going to be size 2 again. Watch me :)

Halo

Halo by Beyonce that song makes me think of him. Can't listen to it anymore. It's only played a million times a day on 99.5.

Isaiah and his friends are having a great time. Kelly, Michelle, Elizabeth and Missy came over for a while and they grilled for the kids. We're working on the Fourth of July plans. Kelly is hosting the Preparty at her house, I'm hosting the Fourth here and then on to my grandparents house for the fireworks. Then we're heading down to the beach on Weds the 8th. Now that I'm a working woman, I'm hoping I can work this out.

Daddy is good yall. Emily is too. She has the hottest tan ever. It's ridiculous. She lives in the pool... so cute.

Thats all for now. I'm going to start making dinner. Grilled chicken and couscous. I'm dieting like crazy again. Then I'm on to my grandparents at 8. I promised I would take Pawpaw to therapy tommorrow. Somehow I have to not tell him that I have an appointment at the hospital too!!!!

Later dolls

Soooo

I went exploring yesterday and there was a freaking hotel by the location we were supposed to meet up at. Only I couldn't figure out how to get to it from the parking lot in broad daylight. I had to see for myself. It wasn't the hotel I said I would be at though. Doesn't matter now. I have to let this go. I just don't know how.

I'm pmsing. I'm bitchy. It's not a good day for me. Isaiah is having a pool party today. I just want to be good to them. School is out now so that means they torture me while Becca's at work.

Fourth of July plans anyone? I think we should head down to Corolla to the house there. If anyone's interested let me know. The house can sleep 20! Bring who ever you want? Let me know what you want.

Dr's tommorrow. Not fun.


A G W

Midnight

I got a 12 am phone call from Steve P last night. Normally, I would have been asleep but it hasn't been the case lately. He was crying and very upset over Kristy's official diagnosis which is Mastesticized Ewings Sarcoma which is a bone cancer. It basically means the cancer has spread and right now she has 12 hot spots according to her tests! Since KP is now 18, the doctors are giving her all of the news upfront and they're very direct with her. It's a 30%, five year survival rate. His heart is broken. He wants me to spend some time with her and bring my journals for her to read that I wrote through this awful disease. It's still so hard to even say the C word to this day. I'm really sad for all of them.

He was also venting all of his frustrations about Victoria. While he's been at JHopkins she's been getting facials and having her 2 workouts a day and can't fit time in for Kristy. He then got to the part where he apologized for ever hurting me and how I am in a class all of my own because I'm true to myself and i'm forgiving. He is right, I don't hold grudges. It's hard to forget and I work thru it but if I've learned anything in this life it's that life is short and we want life in abundance. I told that I forgave him a long time ago. It's life. We get hurt. We pick up the pieces and we move on. He asked for dinner. I said not right now because my heart is not into it. I'm not going to pretend that it is. He asked for drinks. I said no to that too because it's opening up ways to him to try and slide back into my life.

I don't want a man with a girlfriend. Besides, he loves her. If he truly meant all of the nice things he said to me he wouldn't ask me to get involved in his life. He would know a girl like me deserves honesty, loyalty, and good friendship. I'm not bitter about the past. I'm just evolving. I need more than fancy cars, fine dining, and jet setting across the world. I need humble. I need grounded. I need genuine. Those things money can't buy.

I intend on getting in touch with his beautiful little girl-- If she wants to see me I will certainly go.

RECAP

After a really long exhausting total of 16 hours on the road from Friday to Saturday, I still managed to somehow get shit faced this weekend. Yes, even after my long post about being an adult.

Friday on the way back from Myrtle Beach, I thought my car was misbehaving. I freaked myself out, had a panic attack and after walking around in a grocery store for 30 or more minutes I calmed down. I was alone, scared, in the middle of nowhere. After talking to my dad he convinced me that there was nothing wrong with my car, the noise I heard was probably related to the AC. I eventually got home at 11 pm. Only to go back to the farm with my grandparents. I didnt sleep much there, I never can.

Saturday, I was meeting up with a friend at a select location. We were to meet at 8 15. I was ahead of schedule so I stopped to fill up with gas. I knew it would be atleast 3 am or later until I would be back on the road and I didn't want to stop at 3 am. As I was pumping and I had the gas pump thingee pulled back into the locked position so it would pump the gas and I wouldn't have to put my hands on the handle. Everyone knows how I hate to pump gas. As my car got full the handle jumped out of the tank and gas spewed out on my shorts and shirt!!! Sooooooo lovely. I was furious! I tried washing it off at the nasty wawa, but no luck. I drove on in my stinky clothes waiting to explode! I found an oldnavy where I went in and bought a dress for $30! I changed in the store and was on my way. Between talking to my friend, talking to Missy to get the name of the hotel where she has stayed before and liked it, my cell battery died! I arrived at 9! Nobody came looking for me. Not one fone call to my house to alert my sister. I told my friend I may just stay in the area tonight and get a room because its a looooooooong way home. I went to the hotel and to decide to stay or go. I was hoping they would be at the hotel since I wasn't at starbucks first. I drove around like a freak for a about an hour. I didn't know what to do. My fone would power up for 1 minute and die immeadiately after. I told them that I would be at the hotel. Nobody ever came to the hotel. So I cried and then I got mad. I drove myself home where I got shit faced. After driving around for 6 hours thinking this person knows me well enough to know where I'll be and nothing, I threw in the towel. There will never be anymore speak of this. I'm still angry. I'm mad.

Saturday afternoon I hosted a party for my dad's friends and family. Sunday I hosted one for my friends. We had such a great time. Everyone ate until their hearts were content--including me. We had good cocktails and we just laid out by the pool. Sunday I was surrounded by my closest loveliest friends. I know they can help me through anything. As Mommy told me : This too shall pass!" It wasnt to be. Thats all.

A new summer for me. It couldn't have started any better!

So I'm off of work for the next three days and today I'm taking Em and Kennedy to Nova to shop and I'm going to explore this place in broad daylight. I'm looking for a hotel. We shall see.

Daddy

Happy Father's Day, Daddy :)

Every day with you is a gift.

You're the best

I love ya.

Amaya G Warner

I'm coming home.

Myrtle was good for me afterall. I thought it would be difficult, I was wrong. When you want something to work, it works.

Goodbye Myrtle. It was fun. I won't be back in August. We're going to Spain.

When you weren't looking

It will start without you knowing it. It will creep up on you in tiny increments until there is no turning back. And you realize now it’s smart that it happens in tiny steps, because if you knew that it was going to happen, you’re not sure you would think yourself ready. You would find an excuse to dislike it, look for a way to prevent it.

One day your feelings will get hurt and instead of sending an angry email you will decide to sleep on it. You will say sorry first when it’s your fault, and you will mean it when you say it. You will wear more sunscreen and a little less sparkly eyeshadow. You find that you give as many handshakes as high fives. You will find that life suddenly begins to eat up your time and daily two hour phone calls about every detail of your best friends life no longer happen. All of a sudden not every lip gloss you own will be named after a berry. You will learn that sometimes people are better off not knowing, and you will be able to keep your secrets secret. You won’t apologize for leaving the party early, for not dating someone who uses large stacks of pornography as a nightstand or for things out of your control.

You will floss more.

When your friends talk of their houses, they are no longer referring to the ones their dad built them in a tree. They own their own. They drive cars without rust, wear high heels without teetering and tell you they love you at times other than 3am. They will have offices and responsibilities and suddenly you will know that you can count on them to be there not just for the party, but for the funeral. They will not always know what to say, but they will know that they need to be there. And they will know that is enough.

Suddenly you will know more married people than not- and it doesn’t scare you.
You will find yourself a part of a club that you didn’t know existed. A club where people talk about 401k’s and wine and all the excellent television found on a Friday night. And at first you are reluctant to join the club, but you know you can’t go back. So you stay, not always knowing what to say or how you fit in but then you realize being here is less stressful, less dramatic. You find that you feel… relieved, happier to know that there is a life outside the world you knew. You realize this new group also talks about goals and the future and they say things like ‘when we do this’ not ‘if we can ever do this’- and that comforts you. They own plants that don’t die, ideas that are theirs and pots that have matching lids.

But sometimes, you will feel wistful. The great stories of dancing all night and drinking from contraptions held together with duct tape will feel over. You will miss the late nights but can now recall the painful mornings. You will fondly remember spending all your money on shoes and clothes but now like the idea of a home and savings accounts and pots with matching lids. You will miss knowing every single detail of your closest friends lives, but then you realize, you are starting to learn the details of your own.

You will find yourself dressing the man that once dressed you. You will help him bathe and you will serve him his favorite foods as he did you when you were younger. You find yourself on friday and saturday nights reading on their farm remincsing about your summers in Luray as a child and yet here you are again. You take them out to dinner and you enjoy each others wit and snark and smile because they still have 'it'. You walk down the hall of their beautiful home and realize how much they adore their children and you see your first grade self on a beautiful painting by Ned Bettinger. You like it, You appreciate it.



One day without realizing it, you will have become an adult.

Peopld

People can be so cold and calculating. They thrive in your misery. They pretend as if they're looking out for you, but really they're only sabatoging the only real happiness you've ever known.

At first you believe their intentions were good, you only want to hear and see what they have to say because you take it as the Gospel. As time goes by you realize it's not because they are looking out for my best interest, no. They're trying to stir up more drama.

What I don't know won't hurt me. Yet I never wanted to be out of the loop. So end the end this has torn apart two relationships. One is replaceble. The other can not be.

What was your true intention? I know it wasn't my interests. I hope youre happy. I will be.

Update on KP

Per K's Site:

We have had a very busy week! Kristy's prom was fabulous, and her hair looked beautiful - it stayed just for prom! The next day Kristy shaved it off, which was quite a relief to her. She looks great in scarves and hats, and very bohemian chic!

Graduation was absolutely beautiful! Kristy wore a blue, white and orange scarf under her hat. It was so awesome to look around the room and see so many people wearing their "KP" bracelets. In addition, every person entering the room was given a yellow ribbon to pin to their shirts in honor of Kristy. JohnThomas, the Headmaster, gave a wonderful speech, and in it, recognized the amazing camraderie that the Flint Hill graduates had, and as an example, spoke of how all the students and families have pulled together in incredible support of Kristy. The most moving moment, though, was when Kristy went to accept her diploma the entire room stood up and gave applause. It certainly brought tears to our eyes.....

The Graduation Party for Kristy was absolutely perfect! Despite the threat of rain it remained a beautiful night. All the kids really enjoyed the frozen drink machine, DJ, and food. We thank all the parents who came - it means so much to us to have the support from so many people.Kristy has been in Maine for "beach week" since Sunday morning, and will return tomorrow. The Peterson Family has been nice enough to open up their lovely home for Chris and his close friends to spend time together. They have, apparently, been having a terrific time!!!Kristy remains optimistic and happy, albeit very tired. We go to Hopkins on Friday for a 5 day session of chemotherapy. This will be her 3rd session. After 6 sessions the doctors will ascertain if the tumor is shrinking (Please God!)

Cancer has changed our lives and pushed us all to grow and evolve. We continue, as always, to be in the present moment and grounded in faith in God and Kristy's medical team.

With love,
Victoria and Steve

Myrtle

I arrived yesterday and went exploring on my own. I had a great time being alone and doing what I wanted. I took Marisa's advice and went to KISS coffee house. It's very cool. She does have good taste! I haven't been myself for some time. If you're a close friend, you know why! I ended up going down to the beach to read a bit more of The Senator's Wife. I wanted to relax and work on my Melanoma! JK!

I couldn't help but overhear these 18 year old high school graduates talk about girls, sex, and music. They weren't tainted yet. They were adoreable. There was one that really stood out. He was running around with a guitar and singing. His voice was incrediable. I, of course, had to compliment him on his beautiful vocals and requested to hear something of his choice. He started singing 'Hey there Deliliah' -- it was awesome. He made me tear up behind my sunglasses. He then did 'Heartless' by Kanye and I made him stop, at that point I was sobbing. He offered me a beer to cheer me up! He was just too darn cute. We did take a swim together and it's weird, I felt very comfortable with this kiddy. He and his friends were loving the boobs!!! They were young and innocent and harmless. I thought it was funny. I said goodnight to the kids and I immeadiately thought this kid is too cool--there is only one other kid just as cool--Ris! What a match that would have been. Super cute, sweet, kid with a good voice! I'm sure Marisa would have liked. Big blue eyes and working on a 6 pack :)

I after I took a shower I realized my grandmother made a fire in the fireplace! It was a cold 80 degrees last night. Inside it was 180. Sleep--haven't had any in a while. I'm currently living on coffee.

Myrtle beach doesn't have many wifi spots so I signed up for dial up! I'll cancel it before I leave :) I can't believe AOL still exists in a world of instant everything. I would be able to do without the net, but I'm awaiting a very important email with crucial information. It's been two days and nothing yet. Maybe it's not meant for me to see afterall. Oh well. We'll cross that bridge when and if I get it.

We had dinner at Tony Roma's. It was blah. I cook better :) I think I'm going to go for a stroll along the beach. No phone. No emails. No internet. Just me. Sounds like a great idea afterall :)

Oh and I hid the wood from my grandmother--am I bad?!

Monogamy Beach Side

Do you think we, as human beings yet, no more than animals with a supposed larger brain than most animals, are really supposed to be monogamous? I mean, really.

You and me with one person forever and ever until death, amen, monogamous? If you think yes, then what about those who are divorced? I mean, ultimately they will be out on the prowl again as soon as they are ready to get back in the saddle. Those who are married still very much look, gesture, speculate, daydream, and imagine what it would be like to be with someone else. Sure, they may go home to their wife, husband, boyfriend, girlfriend, yet, the image, daydream that made them grit their teeth of whatever fantasy it just was that went through their head, is still there.

So, are we really supposed to be monogamous? Forever and ever, amen?

I got to thinking.

Here are my answer to his questions about love and feelings and such.

Where: South Pacific, in a hut in the ocean. You know, one of those huts that's actually in the ocean? And it's always nice in the south pacific, so it's warm, but not unbearable.

We are naked. Both physically and emotionally, naked.

We are both in bed on clean white pima cotton sheets and we share everything that needs to be shared and that we want to share. It's completely open between us and there are no walls, no boundaries, no strings between us; it is completely open and honest between us.

The music is our words and conversation and the sounds are the ocean and the love and lust of our passion and love.

The smells are the ocean and our bodies, the sweet, sweet lovely smell of sweat, love, lust, and passion.

Food? It's not even a thought until we are starved.

Do I fall in love easily? Ah, no.
Lust? Crushes? Passion? Flirt? Oh, yeah.
I have a new crush almost everyday. I have a new flirt every hour.

Life is too much fun. Life is too short. Life is a verb. We should all have flirts, crushes and passions. We should all have the freedom to fall in love easily. Sadly, we have too many bad memories of past loves gone bad, past crushes crushing us.....

As I got to the last part about crushes crushing us I wondered, how and when did we become jaded? I mean, let's face it, we are a jaded crowd. Cynical too. Not saying there is anything wrong with it, just sayin'.

Did it happen in junior high with the cruelty of classmates? Did it happen because of our parent's failed marriage(s)? Did it happen because we were willing to go out on a limb only to have it sawed off while we were out on the end? Or because you got caught cheating with his bf and he took his anger out on you? Was it because we were cheated on, or were the cheater, one too many times? And really, how many times are too many or too few before we stop trusting when our partner sought sex and it wasn't with us?

I don't know. Maybe asking a question like, when did we become jaded is like asking, when did you fall in love with someone? I mean do we ever know when we fall in love with someone? Do we ever know the moment we fall out of love with someone, when the relationship is over, when we are ready to call it quits, when the relationship should and must end. The moment when we know it and then actually follow through with it.

I don't know. I do know what I'm looking for. Sure, of course, I have a laundry list of qualities and attributes I want my man to have, of course. I'll get to that another time, but I'm talking about feelings and emotions that I want with my man.

I want to be naked, physically and emotionally naked, completely open and unafraid. I want him to accept me, completely totally and whole-heartedly, accept me, me. Me for me and all of me. The good, the bad, the ugly, the hyper, the cynical, the enthusiastic, doe-eyed, wide-eyed, running into the world, woman that I am. I want to look into his eyes and see my reflection reflected back at me and be able to see and accept how he sees me, how he sees me in his eyes and how completely wonderful that is. Yep, that's it, that's what I want: I want a man who when I look in his eyes he sees the me that I want to see and the me that I am, the perfectly beautiful sexy flawed me and he loves every inch of it.

Tennis this evening? Just looking at the courts makes my mouth water! It's been too damn long. I feel the need to pound some balls!!!

Uncle John and I went to lunch today at our competition, it was okay. Thats all I'll say about that! It feels sooo good to be back. Work is a real stress reliever. If only I could stop calling my parents sooo much to check up on them!!!

My grandparents are flying down to Myrtle Beach tonight, I will be joining them tommorrow. Only I won't be flying. I'll be driving. Alone. Fun stuff but the drive will clear my mind and will give me some time to get myself together!

I'm not getting laid!

The title? Yeah. Let’s not even discuss numbers or time lines. Let’s just say the President wasn’t black the last time I got laid.

Cue ice crunching.

The thing is, other than that minor major physical event- I’m completely happy right now with the relationships I have with people in my life. Without getting into a lot of details (because if there’s one thing I know, it’s the idea of vague being vogue), I feel really lucky to know the people I know and I’m 100% confident that I’m getting more from some people without sex than some people are getting WITH sex.

Which of course makes me ask the age old question:

Would you rather have mind blowing, hair tugging, complete body quivering, life changing sex ONCE a year, or mediocre, ho-hum, it’s good but you won’t remember it the next day sex everyday for a year?

When it comes to sex, what’s more important? Quality or quantity?

I’m going out to buy more ice.

Life

After church and lunch with my parents I went to the grocery store. It's always a chore. I am learning to write lists instead of bringing recipes to the store with me. I'm soooo excited about Ina Garten's Garlic Bread!!! I will keep you posted on how it turns out :)

While there, I ran into Amber. We haven't seen each other since New Year's but she was loving my tan. We were swapping dinner menu ideas and I invited her to my party this weekend. As we were talking this little boy came right up to me and was tugging on my cute new lemongrass colored sundress. I immeadiately checked his hands and picked him up. His parents came around the corner looking for 'Landon'. I tried to hand them back their child only the child was holding on for dear life! He hugged me soooooo tight and was giggling. Turns out he's 16 months old and is a huge flirt! The little guy was adoreable. Everywhere I went he was there, he kept looking behind his daddy to find me. I was just as drawn to him. He was too darn cute. I've never understood why children are so drawn to me. Speaking to my grandmother tonight about all of lifes ups and downs, I told her about the little guy. She told me that children can sense love and security. They're innocent and they look for people like them! I was so touched by that. Now if only I can find one good man who will tug on my dress, hug me tightly and giggle in my ear and look for me everytime I walk away!!!

Tonight has been sooo nice. My pool felt sooooo good. I've been alone all evening. Having my house to myself has just been sweet. I loved swimming laps with the lights on in my pool. I want more nights like tonight.

Party on Saturday at my house. If you're invited you'll recieve an Evite :) Hope to see ya there!!!

As for daddy, he's doing well. Emily is good too! Thanks for asking :)

Instincts

Isn't is such a relief when after all is said and done your instincts were always right? Finally! Now I can finally close this chapter of my life and move on. Time well wasted, but a lesson learned for sure! I may be blonde, but I was dean's listed bitch!!!!

In other news, Grant called to tell me that he got engaged! I'm sincerly happy for him. He too deserves happiness. I wish him well. He asked me a few weeks ago to 'Change his mind', I told him that history should never repeat itself and to follow his heart. He did that and will soon be a married man. I wish him many blessings. Life is good.

I spent my friday night with my grandparents. They really are wonderful people. I see where I get my escentricity from! He's a really well read man who originated from New York and she's a Southern bell. The two are a perfect pair. She is his everything. I want that. I want my husband's eyes and face light up the way my grandfather's does when my grandmother walks in the room first thing in the morning. It's. True. Love.

Another week over

It's Friday. It's been a long week. It hasn't been a good one either. Daddy hasn't felt well in a while. Emily's back and forth to the hospital for tests because they're inconclusive. I fell asleep by my pool yesterday. It was a pity party, party of one. Today I'm burnt. I feel awful. Cold chills, burning body, aloe just soothes but doesn't relieve. Of course, Grandma called and needs my help for tonight. Is it bad that I told her tonight only? I'm truly exhausted and burnt. I wish I had a more uplifting message but my heart hurts.


A

weddings

My sister asked me to plan her wedding. September 19, 2009. I'm excited for her.

Em

I was always told never to ask God why. However, my faith is certainly being tested. I returned home from a weekend with my Grandparents to find Emily's little face puffy and her eyelids filled with Edema. I couldn't find her mother who has a new boyfriend, anywhere.

At her Peditrician's advice, Jamie and I took her to UVA. Dr. Lakkis confirmed that her kidney function is abnormal! Again. This second bout with kidney inflammation could lead to acute renal failure. We have to wait on tests to find out what the next step is. The doctor allowed us to leave and will keep me updated as they learn more. Her urine has traces of blood and protein already.

Emily and I are scared and worried. My daddy hasn't felt well today either. So today was supposed to be a day spent enjoying myself over coffee. It's turned into a nightmare.

I just asked Emily is she wanted to swim, she said no because of a headache. This has never happened.

So I wonder why we have to endure all of this over again? Why?

That Gray Area

For reasons I will never be able to articulate, I seem to swing violently between being 100% confident in my life and my choices and the direction I’m going- to the other extreme, 100% puddle on the kitchen floor, all emo with mascara stains on my cheeks feeling like I have yet to make a right choice and my life is doomed for failure before I hit thirtyone. There’s no in between, no grey area, no room to stretch-to accept that some choices might have been successes while others were failures.

I paint everything with the same brush: it’s either amazingly great and I’m bound to lead an astounding life with Andy Garcia as my boyfriend or I’m bound for failure and my best hope is to stake out which dumpster I’m going to live behind and hope that alley cats will not consume my entire body in greedy gulps when I die and leave no evidence of my time on Earth.

Which is why when I saw this quote I felt compelled to share it. It reminds me that my life has a ridiculous amount of good in it- I have amazing friends and family and handbags. I have a teaching degree, all my limbs intact and an encyclopedic like knowledge on all things General Hospital. There are roughly eleventy gazillion things I can’t quite figure out; why I can’t remember where I put my phone, the reason I seem to be a people pleaser, what the hell is happening on Lost… but there’s good too.

MY LIFE HAS A SUPERB CAST

I JUST CAN'T FIGURE OUT THE PLOT