Yesterday was a good sign of what my summer is going to look like. Trish, Becca, Haven, Faith, Kellie, Brandi, Shelli & I went to the golf course and played a round. We got drunk off of nasty Rolling Rock beer and White Zinfandel. Shelli puked on the 14th! The sun and the beer do not mix!!! Haven was so wasted she crashed her cart into Faith's, leaving Faith with whiplash!!! Shelli is a wild child. She has to take AA classes so being the good friends that we all are we went with her to her meeting while we were all wasted. It was too much fun. One lady showed up without shoes on!!! I swear it was the craziest place I've been to. The lady without shoes works as a cashier in a Liquor Store, but no worries--she's been sober since Saturday!!! One lady mid 70's was there. She said that she has had many addictions from booze to drugs to sex. Well now she is addicted to the internet! She said that her family has to come over to her house to get her out of the house to pay the bills. She said that she spends as much time on there as possible. She said that she just can not wait to get home and get into a chat room!!! We all basically pissed our pants. We couldn't believe it. She was my grandmothers age. She was nuts. There was a hot attorney there though. He was there because he has had 3 dui's. They asked Shelli to introduce herself but she didn't want to. They asked us why were all there. We told the leader we were there for support!!! Rick called while we were in the meeting, but he didn't notice a thing. We went back to the course and went swimming but the water was too cold. We swam in our panties and bras. Trish & Faith were in true form; They chose to swim in the nude. After all of that we all crashed at my house and watched American Idol. It was a bit blah for my taste. Taylor should win--everyone knows I'm a fan, Although he should have picked better songs. Katharine never impresses me. She's an okay singer but a poor entertainer.
Tonight we're all heading over to Faith's to watch the Finale of American Idol and get drunk off of cheap wine!!!
Wednesday, May 24, 2006
Tuesday, May 23, 2006
My Pool
The pool is coming along rather quickly. The lead guy that is building it is so hot! I wish mom took a picture of him. I love it when he takes his shirt off...mmmmmm he has the most amazing stomach....tan skin, seablue eyes and hot bod!
Little Miss Kennedy & Little Miss Emily
A few days ago I took Kennedy to my Grandmother's and she found my old swing that we have always had in our old Oak tree and Kennedy fell in love :)
Then I took Em to get a manicure while I got a pedi. She then insisted that she needed a hair cut. She was exhausted after a day of shopping and pampering!
This was sent to me by Lisa. Kennedy was recently in the hospital because she was sick and just like all best friends, Emily was by Kennedy's side! It's not the most flattering picture of Kennedy's daddy's big arm or Kennedy as a sick little girl. The love that these to girls have for each other is unique and genuine.
Then I took Em to get a manicure while I got a pedi. She then insisted that she needed a hair cut. She was exhausted after a day of shopping and pampering!
This was sent to me by Lisa. Kennedy was recently in the hospital because she was sick and just like all best friends, Emily was by Kennedy's side! It's not the most flattering picture of Kennedy's daddy's big arm or Kennedy as a sick little girl. The love that these to girls have for each other is unique and genuine.
Wednesday, May 17, 2006
Dear Me
I never thought I'd miss you - big frizzy hair, acne, bangs that were big and curled. You were awkward, your nose too small, your ears too big for your head. Your only friends were other cheerleaders, your clothes were always the best of the best. You were happy go lucky. You read. You ate nachos. You played Nintendo. You lived day by day on the inevitability that someday you'd be loved. You longed for love in a way that you can only long for something you've never experienced -- breathlessly, idealistically, hopefully. The image in the mirror never reflected how you felt. You knew you were beautiful, you just didn't know how to be.
I never thought I'd miss you, first mentor. "I love reading what you write," said Mrs. Johnson, my sixth grade English teacher. "You and Matt should discuss your writings, you're both quite talented." I remember leering at the chubby dark-haired boy who was always in my way at the lockers. We were her pets until we graduated to the seventh grade. Matt and I did however, discuss our writings. "Are you and Matt married yet?" she asked me when she saw me at a restaurant last summer. "No," I giggled. "No, we are not."
I never thought I'd miss you, first love, crash and burn. Fourteen, heart racing, I thought I might hit you that day in the computer lab. Were there tears in your eyes? I don't remember. First kiss, not what I expected. No fireworks, no bells...being with me changed you...after I'd changed to be with you. Goodbye frizzy hair, chubby legs. Flatirons, sparkling peach flavored water, fat-free butter substitute and apricots, there was nothing I wouldn't do for you. Brown eyes, you burned me. I'd never met anyone like you. I still haven't.
I never thought I'd miss you, first job, in the beautiful Shenandoah National Park while spending the summers with my grandparents. The hot guests from as far away as the Netherlands made me realize I was a woman. On slow days, my friends would visit, we'd hang out in the lobby and eat at the restaurant and flirt with the bartenders.. When a boy made me cry, Wes and Chris who were the chefs, sat with me all day as we plotted revenge between fruit salads and cheeseburgers.
I never thought I'd miss you, first boyfriend, big arms blue eyes, love for me pouring out of you like raindrops. Your smell, like home, curled up next to you, we watched "Clueless." I ran my hand, heavy beneath the weight of your class ring, down your stomach, over the t-shirt with the WWF logo that I thought was silly. "I'm a redneck," you said. Chimichangas at TGIFridays, that was my favorite place to go. Your hand up my skirt during a Natalie Portman movie, sliding down my dress after my induction into the National Honor Society, On my sixteenth birthday, you covered me with chocolate syrup.
I never thought I'd miss you, best friend, you were my girl. You were fragile and beautiful. You slept with a teddy bear beneath bed, you were afraid of what your father would do. You had to meet with social workers at school. You spent night upon night at my house, getting ready for dances, borrowing clothes, listening to music, talking until dawn. I'd never had a real girlfriend. I took you everywhere I went. You looked up to me. But you probably never knew that I needed you just as much. When you left, I hated you. You're still a sore spot.
I never thought I'd miss you, first temptation, your bleach blond hair blowing in the breeze as we held hands at Kings Dominion. I wore a light cotton shirt, white and blue with an open back. You slid your hand up the back and walked with me like I was yours. I thought it might be nice. "Oh my God. It's like a boner," I said. "So that would make the ride...a giant handjob?" We were exhilerated by the ride that shot you up into the air against a giant pole at a ridiculous speed, and sent you immediately crashing down, making your stomach flip. That night we watched fireworks from the Eiffel tower.. You kissed me. I liked you.
I never thought I'd miss you, CHOICES, working as a Shelter Advisor at the home for abused women and children so I could buy Silver and Tommy Hilfiger jeans, changed me without my knowing it. Every woman has a story. When Tonya killed herself on my watch I went crazy too. When we found her body I was hysterical. "I'll take care of things. Take all the time you need." Robin said. I never went back.
I never thought I'd miss you, innocence, first time, carefully planned. "Let's try a practice one, first," I said. We'd been dating for nine months. When we were ready, banana flavored condom, 10 minutes of mild discomfort. "That wasn't such a big deal!" I said, relieved. We shared a frozen pizza. That night, Jeremy cried while he thought I was sleeping. "What's wrong?" "I took your childhood," he said.
I never thought I'd miss you, highschool graduation, I was sad. We all cried. I wrote each girl in my class a nice note, even though I didn't particularly like everyone. But I was nice that way. Brandy read her speech.I watched the slideshow. When Matt's picture flashed across the screen, I hid my eyes beneath my sunglasses to conceal my weakness, he'd left for the airforce 5 months earlier and my heart was all but broken. When I got home, I had to face my family and everyone was there. Even Michael who I broke up with because he had cancer and I was shallow.
I never thought I'd miss you, first revelation. He was never an old friend, but it always felt like he was. Visiting me in my dorm my freshman year at UVa, the sunlight poured in through the tall window as we sat talking on my floor. That day, he cried about everything he'd never been able to say. I held him for an hour without muttering a word. It felt nice to be somebody's rock for once. I wiped a tear from his cheek and knew we'd always be together.
I never thought I'd miss you, first roommate, smoking marlboro menthol lights on the stoop of our first apartment. You were wilder than me, and convinced me to donn a white t-shirt and dance braless in the rain. On Mondays, we'd start drinking as soon as classes were over. Perched on our stoop with bottles of Miller Light, people would walk by and ask us, "Why Monday?" We'd answer, "We like to start the week off right." You liked to have loud sex. It always pissed me off when I wasn't getting any.
I never thought I'd miss you, first heartbreak, world crashing down. You betrayed me. Hurt me. How can I still bear to look at you? I developed my serious drug habit because of you. Crying alone on the balcony of the apartment I shared with Erin, Lisa and Adam, I would chug Tequila and contemplate jumping. My friend Brandi put her arms around me and told me it was fine, I was strong. I'd get by. Time passed and I amazed myself with my own healing power. She was right. I picked myself up. I survived.
I never thought I'd miss you, Brent, my brother who was killed. You left so quickly. You didn't suffer. You protected me from boys. You allowed me to ride to school with you and your friends. You loved football, Better than Ezra and pretty girls. It pissed me off that you were taken. I'm still pissed. I wonder what you'd be doing today? Would you have became the military man just like dad? Would you have the house and the picket fence?
I never thought I'd miss you, high hopes, smart girl, quirky girl, nice girl. Where are you? Are you still me? Are these memories mine? Straight hair, clear skin, bright teeth, curves?. Who are you? You buy your clothes at Gap sometimes, you're normal. You work out daily. You only read your celeberity rags. You eat salads. You play with fate. You live day to day on the inevitability that you'll probably never be loved. You long for love in the way that you can only long for something you've experienced the bitter consequences of -- carefully, cautiously, fearfully. The image in the mirror doesn't reflect how you feel. You know you're beautiful. You just don't remember how to be you.
I never thought I'd miss you, first mentor. "I love reading what you write," said Mrs. Johnson, my sixth grade English teacher. "You and Matt should discuss your writings, you're both quite talented." I remember leering at the chubby dark-haired boy who was always in my way at the lockers. We were her pets until we graduated to the seventh grade. Matt and I did however, discuss our writings. "Are you and Matt married yet?" she asked me when she saw me at a restaurant last summer. "No," I giggled. "No, we are not."
I never thought I'd miss you, first love, crash and burn. Fourteen, heart racing, I thought I might hit you that day in the computer lab. Were there tears in your eyes? I don't remember. First kiss, not what I expected. No fireworks, no bells...being with me changed you...after I'd changed to be with you. Goodbye frizzy hair, chubby legs. Flatirons, sparkling peach flavored water, fat-free butter substitute and apricots, there was nothing I wouldn't do for you. Brown eyes, you burned me. I'd never met anyone like you. I still haven't.
I never thought I'd miss you, first job, in the beautiful Shenandoah National Park while spending the summers with my grandparents. The hot guests from as far away as the Netherlands made me realize I was a woman. On slow days, my friends would visit, we'd hang out in the lobby and eat at the restaurant and flirt with the bartenders.. When a boy made me cry, Wes and Chris who were the chefs, sat with me all day as we plotted revenge between fruit salads and cheeseburgers.
I never thought I'd miss you, first boyfriend, big arms blue eyes, love for me pouring out of you like raindrops. Your smell, like home, curled up next to you, we watched "Clueless." I ran my hand, heavy beneath the weight of your class ring, down your stomach, over the t-shirt with the WWF logo that I thought was silly. "I'm a redneck," you said. Chimichangas at TGIFridays, that was my favorite place to go. Your hand up my skirt during a Natalie Portman movie, sliding down my dress after my induction into the National Honor Society, On my sixteenth birthday, you covered me with chocolate syrup.
I never thought I'd miss you, best friend, you were my girl. You were fragile and beautiful. You slept with a teddy bear beneath bed, you were afraid of what your father would do. You had to meet with social workers at school. You spent night upon night at my house, getting ready for dances, borrowing clothes, listening to music, talking until dawn. I'd never had a real girlfriend. I took you everywhere I went. You looked up to me. But you probably never knew that I needed you just as much. When you left, I hated you. You're still a sore spot.
I never thought I'd miss you, first temptation, your bleach blond hair blowing in the breeze as we held hands at Kings Dominion. I wore a light cotton shirt, white and blue with an open back. You slid your hand up the back and walked with me like I was yours. I thought it might be nice. "Oh my God. It's like a boner," I said. "So that would make the ride...a giant handjob?" We were exhilerated by the ride that shot you up into the air against a giant pole at a ridiculous speed, and sent you immediately crashing down, making your stomach flip. That night we watched fireworks from the Eiffel tower.. You kissed me. I liked you.
I never thought I'd miss you, CHOICES, working as a Shelter Advisor at the home for abused women and children so I could buy Silver and Tommy Hilfiger jeans, changed me without my knowing it. Every woman has a story. When Tonya killed herself on my watch I went crazy too. When we found her body I was hysterical. "I'll take care of things. Take all the time you need." Robin said. I never went back.
I never thought I'd miss you, innocence, first time, carefully planned. "Let's try a practice one, first," I said. We'd been dating for nine months. When we were ready, banana flavored condom, 10 minutes of mild discomfort. "That wasn't such a big deal!" I said, relieved. We shared a frozen pizza. That night, Jeremy cried while he thought I was sleeping. "What's wrong?" "I took your childhood," he said.
I never thought I'd miss you, highschool graduation, I was sad. We all cried. I wrote each girl in my class a nice note, even though I didn't particularly like everyone. But I was nice that way. Brandy read her speech.I watched the slideshow. When Matt's picture flashed across the screen, I hid my eyes beneath my sunglasses to conceal my weakness, he'd left for the airforce 5 months earlier and my heart was all but broken. When I got home, I had to face my family and everyone was there. Even Michael who I broke up with because he had cancer and I was shallow.
I never thought I'd miss you, first revelation. He was never an old friend, but it always felt like he was. Visiting me in my dorm my freshman year at UVa, the sunlight poured in through the tall window as we sat talking on my floor. That day, he cried about everything he'd never been able to say. I held him for an hour without muttering a word. It felt nice to be somebody's rock for once. I wiped a tear from his cheek and knew we'd always be together.
I never thought I'd miss you, first roommate, smoking marlboro menthol lights on the stoop of our first apartment. You were wilder than me, and convinced me to donn a white t-shirt and dance braless in the rain. On Mondays, we'd start drinking as soon as classes were over. Perched on our stoop with bottles of Miller Light, people would walk by and ask us, "Why Monday?" We'd answer, "We like to start the week off right." You liked to have loud sex. It always pissed me off when I wasn't getting any.
I never thought I'd miss you, first heartbreak, world crashing down. You betrayed me. Hurt me. How can I still bear to look at you? I developed my serious drug habit because of you. Crying alone on the balcony of the apartment I shared with Erin, Lisa and Adam, I would chug Tequila and contemplate jumping. My friend Brandi put her arms around me and told me it was fine, I was strong. I'd get by. Time passed and I amazed myself with my own healing power. She was right. I picked myself up. I survived.
I never thought I'd miss you, Brent, my brother who was killed. You left so quickly. You didn't suffer. You protected me from boys. You allowed me to ride to school with you and your friends. You loved football, Better than Ezra and pretty girls. It pissed me off that you were taken. I'm still pissed. I wonder what you'd be doing today? Would you have became the military man just like dad? Would you have the house and the picket fence?
I never thought I'd miss you, high hopes, smart girl, quirky girl, nice girl. Where are you? Are you still me? Are these memories mine? Straight hair, clear skin, bright teeth, curves?. Who are you? You buy your clothes at Gap sometimes, you're normal. You work out daily. You only read your celeberity rags. You eat salads. You play with fate. You live day to day on the inevitability that you'll probably never be loved. You long for love in the way that you can only long for something you've experienced the bitter consequences of -- carefully, cautiously, fearfully. The image in the mirror doesn't reflect how you feel. You know you're beautiful. You just don't remember how to be you.
Yeah Yeah
~My workout this morning was great! I did 120 minutes of cardio and strength training and it was intense. I loved it. My trainer is fabulous. I love the feeling of accomplishment.
~Dad is doing well. Dr's report says that all is well.
~Acura TL in Black is sweet :) Except Nick from Nova has the same damn car.
~Kennedy's 2nd birthday is coming up!
~Emma and I got mani's and pedi's. Emma decided she wanted a haircut needless to say she gets what she wants.
~Dr. Drew thinks that I'm spoiling Emma! You only live once!
~ Taylor Hicks will be the next American Idol.
~I'm horny. I can't help myself I stay this way. I need to get laid asap. Anita Lei is my new name.
~Dinner tonight will be nice :)
~Dad is doing well. Dr's report says that all is well.
~Acura TL in Black is sweet :) Except Nick from Nova has the same damn car.
~Kennedy's 2nd birthday is coming up!
~Emma and I got mani's and pedi's. Emma decided she wanted a haircut needless to say she gets what she wants.
~Dr. Drew thinks that I'm spoiling Emma! You only live once!
~ Taylor Hicks will be the next American Idol.
~I'm horny. I can't help myself I stay this way. I need to get laid asap. Anita Lei is my new name.
~Dinner tonight will be nice :)
Monday, May 15, 2006
Another great weekend
I'm back home after a fun weekend away. It was so nice to feel the sand between my toes and water at my feet. We had a great time and I'll be back soon.
Saturday evening Rebecca and I got drunk and had too much fun with this chic from Mobile Alabama. It went down! She was a lot of fun. She was an alcoholic in denial!!! We winked at old men and flirted with the married ones. 'Cameron' a young lad from Greensboro wanted to buy me a drink but I basically told him I was'nt there for his entertainment and to keep his drink just give me the money. It was going to be just him and his hand for the night! Note to guys: STOP spilling your drinks on us! Keep your hands off. And don't bet your boys that five bucks, you'll need it for the trick you'll end up with at the end of the night. You know who you are. High fiving talking shit but you're going home alone arent ya?!
Zack was different. Zack was the lead singer in his band. I've always had a weakness for a boy with beer and a guitar in his band! He was great. He was hot. He is someone else's man and I told him that wasn't the man that I want. He loved the honesty. He said he'd look for me firet in his next life!!!
I can't wait to revisit. It will be fantastic. It will be soon.
Saturday evening Rebecca and I got drunk and had too much fun with this chic from Mobile Alabama. It went down! She was a lot of fun. She was an alcoholic in denial!!! We winked at old men and flirted with the married ones. 'Cameron' a young lad from Greensboro wanted to buy me a drink but I basically told him I was'nt there for his entertainment and to keep his drink just give me the money. It was going to be just him and his hand for the night! Note to guys: STOP spilling your drinks on us! Keep your hands off. And don't bet your boys that five bucks, you'll need it for the trick you'll end up with at the end of the night. You know who you are. High fiving talking shit but you're going home alone arent ya?!
Zack was different. Zack was the lead singer in his band. I've always had a weakness for a boy with beer and a guitar in his band! He was great. He was hot. He is someone else's man and I told him that wasn't the man that I want. He loved the honesty. He said he'd look for me firet in his next life!!!
I can't wait to revisit. It will be fantastic. It will be soon.
Saturday, May 13, 2006
Carolina
It took forever to get here! I thought I-95 would never end!!! It's a lovely day. We're having so much fun. My only problem is that we do not have enough time here. There is sooo much to do. Becca and I went running on the Beach and what a work-out that was--talk about rude awakening!!!!
I did'nt remember just how beautiful this house is until I revisited. It's so Victorian and with the wrap around porch and the swing, I feel right at home. The house needs a name. Any suggestions???
While out shopping Eric from Chi town called, it was brief and pleasant for once :)
We're all having a great time and I don't want to leave! It's getting hotter here so I'm going to go take a swim and be one with nature!!!
I did'nt remember just how beautiful this house is until I revisited. It's so Victorian and with the wrap around porch and the swing, I feel right at home. The house needs a name. Any suggestions???
While out shopping Eric from Chi town called, it was brief and pleasant for once :)
We're all having a great time and I don't want to leave! It's getting hotter here so I'm going to go take a swim and be one with nature!!!
Wednesday, May 10, 2006
Sunday, May 07, 2006
Recap
I've always had a weakness for smart boys, but Brennon has always been extraordinary. Tall, athletic, handsome and intelligent and not much has changed since high school. I saw him this weekend and his smile makes me melt. He hugged me so tight and I loved it. I loved his cologne. I loved his hair, I loved his clothes, fuck-- I even loved the Downy in Lavendar and Vanilla!!! We were always friends. Seeing him made me feel like I was that 16year old naive, complicated little girl again. We're doing dinner tommorrow. The fact that he's an FBI agent turns me on too!!! In reality, I know that we're ONLY friends, but I haven't been held down and fucked really hard in a long damn time and Brennon you're ripe for the fucking!!! Just kidding :)
Isaiah is raising money for Slugfest 2006 again. He's doing really well. He's raised $180 on his own entirely. My friends have pitched in and have also helped. Brandy--$25, Kenny--$50, Grant --$50, Dr Drew-- $100 and Steve is going to contribute as well. This teaches Isaiah how to work hard and accomplish his goal. He's doing fantastic in baseball as is Chandler.
Dad is doing well. He's fabulous. I love spending time with my parents. They're tons of fun.
Mom told me tonight that she wants to go to Chicago. Weird, eh? Out of the blue she said that she wants to go to Chicago sometime this spring and take in the city. How awesome is that?! That means that Dad will most likely go too and I would be able to have a fantastic time there while not worrying about my dad because he'd be with us!!! Sometimes, God is weird.
Becca's birthday is in June and I'm planning a big damn party. Everything is going to be in the color pink--different shades but all PINK....From the table linens to the Cosmo's the theme and invitations are all pink. I'm excited because pink is our favorite color :) Any ideas? Suggestions? All are welcome.
Isaiah is raising money for Slugfest 2006 again. He's doing really well. He's raised $180 on his own entirely. My friends have pitched in and have also helped. Brandy--$25, Kenny--$50, Grant --$50, Dr Drew-- $100 and Steve is going to contribute as well. This teaches Isaiah how to work hard and accomplish his goal. He's doing fantastic in baseball as is Chandler.
Dad is doing well. He's fabulous. I love spending time with my parents. They're tons of fun.
Mom told me tonight that she wants to go to Chicago. Weird, eh? Out of the blue she said that she wants to go to Chicago sometime this spring and take in the city. How awesome is that?! That means that Dad will most likely go too and I would be able to have a fantastic time there while not worrying about my dad because he'd be with us!!! Sometimes, God is weird.
Becca's birthday is in June and I'm planning a big damn party. Everything is going to be in the color pink--different shades but all PINK....From the table linens to the Cosmo's the theme and invitations are all pink. I'm excited because pink is our favorite color :) Any ideas? Suggestions? All are welcome.
Wednesday, May 03, 2006
---> I am not alone <-----
"...He makes my world stop."
Oh. My. God. She said it. Wow. Everytime I watch Grey's Anatomy, I get a warm, fuzzy feeling that lasts me at least a couple of hours. I'm such a junkie that I ritualistically prepare for the viewing by settling in with a pint of Haagan Daaz Dulce de leche ice cream (comfort food), a Diet Coke (pointless) and 3 Tylenol P.M.(to shove my insomniac ass into beautiful, empty sleep). Then I dial up Dr Drew, if I can't be with him in person and together we analyze, appreciate, and 'awww' whilst becoming enraptured by the feats and foibles of spunky young Dr. Meredith Grey. Tonight, however, Andrew is AWOL once again and the melodrama unfolding before me is only adding to my feelings of mid-twenties angst and overall disdain for humankind. Life is pointless. All it is is hurt and eventual death, intermittenly paused and shaken up by those few, select people who can stop your world. My angst stems from the fact that my world has indeed been stopped, and I can't seem to kick the motherfucker back into rotation. And he who hath stopped it, wow. What a joke.
"I don't want you," is a phrase that ranks right up there with "I don't love you." "Start planning the end." "I'm having an affair." "I'm pregnant, but you're not the father." and "Sorry, but the tumor is inoperable." It literally floors you, stops your heart. Stops your world. This is the opposite of falling in love, slow dancing with someone who makes your heart race, murmurring "I want you," on the brink of climax... feelings like that put your head in the clouds...but "I don't want you," well... we've all been there. I won't elaborate. I'm no stranger to rejection, no stranger to hurtful words and angsty arguments, but somehow this is different. Somehow, this from him hurts more.
"We're out of oranges, try these tasty nectarines."
"I don't want nectarines. I want oranges."
"I'm sorry ma'am, but all we have here are nectarines."
Yet more proof that life is predictable only in its unpredictability, that nothing is concrete, nothing is constant except for God in the stormy sky and His sad sense of humor. "Thanks a lot," I say when I pray. "Thanks a lot, you crazy man"! You sure pulled a fast one on me!" God laughs as the thunder crashes and He explains that if He'd have meant me for light living, He wouldn't have made me so sturdy. "Yeah and on that note, thanks for snail-like metabolism after turning 27, too!"
"I'm sorry, but we don't seem to have this dress in pink. Perhaps you should try the white"
"I don't want the white. I want this dress in pink."
"I'm sorry, ma'am, but it's really the only other option."
I think of things that might make me feel better, like smoking 8,000 cigarettes or going on an unhealthy diet, or an exspensive shopping spree or impaling myself on a piece of cutlery or something, just a little something dangerous to spice it up, a little something to make me feel. Because truth is, I've been living my life by means of avoidance lately -- shutting off my phone, neglecting emails, sleeping for 14 hours a day instead of talking to friends, not working, because let's face it kids. Does anyone really want to dial up a friend only to have the following conversation take place?
"Hey! How are you?"
"Shitty."
"Oh... really? That bad, huh?"
"Yeah, that bad. Want me to lie?"
"No... but....I mean, what's going on?"
"Well, I hate life. I'm out of my routine. I've gained ten pounds. I'm on the verge of going nuts, I have friends that are ho's, My dad is not well and I yearn for adult conversations. I'm just overall kind of lonely and desolate and hopeless."
"That's too bad...."
"Yeah, and to top it all off, HE DOESN'T WANT ME."
"Oh Jesus. Well, you don't really want him, do you?"
"Ugh. I wish. I wish that was the case, but no. I do. And he's the only one. You know, he makes my world stop, and all of that. Ugh. Does anyone have a light? So uh... hey, yeah, how have you been?"
I don't want my friends to see me like this. I'm the spunk! I'm the comic relief! I'm wild and wacky! A downtrodden, life-beaten, victim-stancing, woman-scorned Amaya just doesn't pack the same punch. So rather than smile on, and lie, or mope and cry and usurp pity, I disappear, hoping desperately that I'll find some way to fix me in the interim.
Sometimes I think it's God's cruel trick to make the most blessed people in life the most helpless and emotionally fragile. Lookie here, I got this great, two-parent nuclear family, good teeth, great hair, skin that tans without burning. I've also got brains and money, and that being said, I'm about as self-reliant as one of Paris Hilton's chihuahua babies. It's time to grow up, but no one ever said it would be so hard. People have been cleaning up my messes and neutralizing my mistakes for so long... so long, my good fortune has to have ended sometime. And so it is, I've exhausted my resources and it's just me and the Big Man Upstairs. We haven't been close for some time, I'm a stranger in His House, but we still talk occasionally, like two people who've seen an amazingly close friendship melt away into awkward acquaintanceship. Yet, there are times when I'm so scared, so lonely, so devoid of hope that I can't resist looking him up.
Sacreligious, maybe. But I like to think that God is whatever you want Him to be, whatever you need Him to be, just so long as you actually need Him. And there's no way I'm going to trust my fragile heart to yet another pale-eyed white male who wants to play the martyr and pass judgment and smite me and all of that. Because at the end of the day, what I really want, what I really need is someone to say "Hey, there's a reason for all of this. Hey, I haven't given up on you yet. Hey, I've got a plan with YOUR name on it!"
So you can be assured, quelled, pacified.... so you can muster up the strength to go on... so when you're still up at 3 am, drinking a glass of wine on the balcony, you know you're not alone. Not even when your fat jeans don't fit, not when you're miserable and friendless and ready to drive your car into passing traffic. Not even when you're out of Percoset and crazy.
Not even when he doesn't want you.
I am not alone.
Oh. My. God. She said it. Wow. Everytime I watch Grey's Anatomy, I get a warm, fuzzy feeling that lasts me at least a couple of hours. I'm such a junkie that I ritualistically prepare for the viewing by settling in with a pint of Haagan Daaz Dulce de leche ice cream (comfort food), a Diet Coke (pointless) and 3 Tylenol P.M.(to shove my insomniac ass into beautiful, empty sleep). Then I dial up Dr Drew, if I can't be with him in person and together we analyze, appreciate, and 'awww' whilst becoming enraptured by the feats and foibles of spunky young Dr. Meredith Grey. Tonight, however, Andrew is AWOL once again and the melodrama unfolding before me is only adding to my feelings of mid-twenties angst and overall disdain for humankind. Life is pointless. All it is is hurt and eventual death, intermittenly paused and shaken up by those few, select people who can stop your world. My angst stems from the fact that my world has indeed been stopped, and I can't seem to kick the motherfucker back into rotation. And he who hath stopped it, wow. What a joke.
"I don't want you," is a phrase that ranks right up there with "I don't love you." "Start planning the end." "I'm having an affair." "I'm pregnant, but you're not the father." and "Sorry, but the tumor is inoperable." It literally floors you, stops your heart. Stops your world. This is the opposite of falling in love, slow dancing with someone who makes your heart race, murmurring "I want you," on the brink of climax... feelings like that put your head in the clouds...but "I don't want you," well... we've all been there. I won't elaborate. I'm no stranger to rejection, no stranger to hurtful words and angsty arguments, but somehow this is different. Somehow, this from him hurts more.
"We're out of oranges, try these tasty nectarines."
"I don't want nectarines. I want oranges."
"I'm sorry ma'am, but all we have here are nectarines."
Yet more proof that life is predictable only in its unpredictability, that nothing is concrete, nothing is constant except for God in the stormy sky and His sad sense of humor. "Thanks a lot," I say when I pray. "Thanks a lot, you crazy man"! You sure pulled a fast one on me!" God laughs as the thunder crashes and He explains that if He'd have meant me for light living, He wouldn't have made me so sturdy. "Yeah and on that note, thanks for snail-like metabolism after turning 27, too!"
"I'm sorry, but we don't seem to have this dress in pink. Perhaps you should try the white"
"I don't want the white. I want this dress in pink."
"I'm sorry, ma'am, but it's really the only other option."
I think of things that might make me feel better, like smoking 8,000 cigarettes or going on an unhealthy diet, or an exspensive shopping spree or impaling myself on a piece of cutlery or something, just a little something dangerous to spice it up, a little something to make me feel. Because truth is, I've been living my life by means of avoidance lately -- shutting off my phone, neglecting emails, sleeping for 14 hours a day instead of talking to friends, not working, because let's face it kids. Does anyone really want to dial up a friend only to have the following conversation take place?
"Hey! How are you?"
"Shitty."
"Oh... really? That bad, huh?"
"Yeah, that bad. Want me to lie?"
"No... but....I mean, what's going on?"
"Well, I hate life. I'm out of my routine. I've gained ten pounds. I'm on the verge of going nuts, I have friends that are ho's, My dad is not well and I yearn for adult conversations. I'm just overall kind of lonely and desolate and hopeless."
"That's too bad...."
"Yeah, and to top it all off, HE DOESN'T WANT ME."
"Oh Jesus. Well, you don't really want him, do you?"
"Ugh. I wish. I wish that was the case, but no. I do. And he's the only one. You know, he makes my world stop, and all of that. Ugh. Does anyone have a light? So uh... hey, yeah, how have you been?"
I don't want my friends to see me like this. I'm the spunk! I'm the comic relief! I'm wild and wacky! A downtrodden, life-beaten, victim-stancing, woman-scorned Amaya just doesn't pack the same punch. So rather than smile on, and lie, or mope and cry and usurp pity, I disappear, hoping desperately that I'll find some way to fix me in the interim.
Sometimes I think it's God's cruel trick to make the most blessed people in life the most helpless and emotionally fragile. Lookie here, I got this great, two-parent nuclear family, good teeth, great hair, skin that tans without burning. I've also got brains and money, and that being said, I'm about as self-reliant as one of Paris Hilton's chihuahua babies. It's time to grow up, but no one ever said it would be so hard. People have been cleaning up my messes and neutralizing my mistakes for so long... so long, my good fortune has to have ended sometime. And so it is, I've exhausted my resources and it's just me and the Big Man Upstairs. We haven't been close for some time, I'm a stranger in His House, but we still talk occasionally, like two people who've seen an amazingly close friendship melt away into awkward acquaintanceship. Yet, there are times when I'm so scared, so lonely, so devoid of hope that I can't resist looking him up.
Sacreligious, maybe. But I like to think that God is whatever you want Him to be, whatever you need Him to be, just so long as you actually need Him. And there's no way I'm going to trust my fragile heart to yet another pale-eyed white male who wants to play the martyr and pass judgment and smite me and all of that. Because at the end of the day, what I really want, what I really need is someone to say "Hey, there's a reason for all of this. Hey, I haven't given up on you yet. Hey, I've got a plan with YOUR name on it!"
So you can be assured, quelled, pacified.... so you can muster up the strength to go on... so when you're still up at 3 am, drinking a glass of wine on the balcony, you know you're not alone. Not even when your fat jeans don't fit, not when you're miserable and friendless and ready to drive your car into passing traffic. Not even when you're out of Percoset and crazy.
Not even when he doesn't want you.
I am not alone.
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