I never thought I'd miss you - big frizzy hair, acne, bangs that were big and curled. You were awkward, your nose too small, your ears too big for your head. Your only friends were other cheerleaders, your clothes were always the best of the best. You were happy go lucky. You read. You ate nachos. You played Nintendo. You lived day by day on the inevitability that someday you'd be loved. You longed for love in a way that you can only long for something you've never experienced -- breathlessly, idealistically, hopefully. The image in the mirror never reflected how you felt. You knew you were beautiful, you just didn't know how to be.
I never thought I'd miss you, first mentor. "I love reading what you write," said Mrs. Johnson, my sixth grade English teacher. "You and Matt should discuss your writings, you're both quite talented." I remember leering at the chubby dark-haired boy who was always in my way at the lockers. We were her pets until we graduated to the seventh grade. Matt and I did however, discuss our writings. "Are you and Matt married yet?" she asked me when she saw me at a restaurant last summer. "No," I giggled. "No, we are not."
I never thought I'd miss you, first love, crash and burn. Fourteen, heart racing, I thought I might hit you that day in the computer lab. Were there tears in your eyes? I don't remember. First kiss, not what I expected. No fireworks, no bells...being with me changed you...after I'd changed to be with you. Goodbye frizzy hair, chubby legs. Flatirons, sparkling peach flavored water, fat-free butter substitute and apricots, there was nothing I wouldn't do for you. Brown eyes, you burned me. I'd never met anyone like you. I still haven't.
I never thought I'd miss you, first job, in the beautiful Shenandoah National Park while spending the summers with my grandparents. The hot guests from as far away as the Netherlands made me realize I was a woman. On slow days, my friends would visit, we'd hang out in the lobby and eat at the restaurant and flirt with the bartenders.. When a boy made me cry, Wes and Chris who were the chefs, sat with me all day as we plotted revenge between fruit salads and cheeseburgers.
I never thought I'd miss you, first boyfriend, big arms blue eyes, love for me pouring out of you like raindrops. Your smell, like home, curled up next to you, we watched "Clueless." I ran my hand, heavy beneath the weight of your class ring, down your stomach, over the t-shirt with the WWF logo that I thought was silly. "I'm a redneck," you said. Chimichangas at TGIFridays, that was my favorite place to go. Your hand up my skirt during a Natalie Portman movie, sliding down my dress after my induction into the National Honor Society, On my sixteenth birthday, you covered me with chocolate syrup.
I never thought I'd miss you, best friend, you were my girl. You were fragile and beautiful. You slept with a teddy bear beneath bed, you were afraid of what your father would do. You had to meet with social workers at school. You spent night upon night at my house, getting ready for dances, borrowing clothes, listening to music, talking until dawn. I'd never had a real girlfriend. I took you everywhere I went. You looked up to me. But you probably never knew that I needed you just as much. When you left, I hated you. You're still a sore spot.
I never thought I'd miss you, first temptation, your bleach blond hair blowing in the breeze as we held hands at Kings Dominion. I wore a light cotton shirt, white and blue with an open back. You slid your hand up the back and walked with me like I was yours. I thought it might be nice. "Oh my God. It's like a boner," I said. "So that would make the ride...a giant handjob?" We were exhilerated by the ride that shot you up into the air against a giant pole at a ridiculous speed, and sent you immediately crashing down, making your stomach flip. That night we watched fireworks from the Eiffel tower.. You kissed me. I liked you.
I never thought I'd miss you, CHOICES, working as a Shelter Advisor at the home for abused women and children so I could buy Silver and Tommy Hilfiger jeans, changed me without my knowing it. Every woman has a story. When Tonya killed herself on my watch I went crazy too. When we found her body I was hysterical. "I'll take care of things. Take all the time you need." Robin said. I never went back.
I never thought I'd miss you, innocence, first time, carefully planned. "Let's try a practice one, first," I said. We'd been dating for nine months. When we were ready, banana flavored condom, 10 minutes of mild discomfort. "That wasn't such a big deal!" I said, relieved. We shared a frozen pizza. That night, Jeremy cried while he thought I was sleeping. "What's wrong?" "I took your childhood," he said.
I never thought I'd miss you, highschool graduation, I was sad. We all cried. I wrote each girl in my class a nice note, even though I didn't particularly like everyone. But I was nice that way. Brandy read her speech.I watched the slideshow. When Matt's picture flashed across the screen, I hid my eyes beneath my sunglasses to conceal my weakness, he'd left for the airforce 5 months earlier and my heart was all but broken. When I got home, I had to face my family and everyone was there. Even Michael who I broke up with because he had cancer and I was shallow.
I never thought I'd miss you, first revelation. He was never an old friend, but it always felt like he was. Visiting me in my dorm my freshman year at UVa, the sunlight poured in through the tall window as we sat talking on my floor. That day, he cried about everything he'd never been able to say. I held him for an hour without muttering a word. It felt nice to be somebody's rock for once. I wiped a tear from his cheek and knew we'd always be together.
I never thought I'd miss you, first roommate, smoking marlboro menthol lights on the stoop of our first apartment. You were wilder than me, and convinced me to donn a white t-shirt and dance braless in the rain. On Mondays, we'd start drinking as soon as classes were over. Perched on our stoop with bottles of Miller Light, people would walk by and ask us, "Why Monday?" We'd answer, "We like to start the week off right." You liked to have loud sex. It always pissed me off when I wasn't getting any.
I never thought I'd miss you, first heartbreak, world crashing down. You betrayed me. Hurt me. How can I still bear to look at you? I developed my serious drug habit because of you. Crying alone on the balcony of the apartment I shared with Erin, Lisa and Adam, I would chug Tequila and contemplate jumping. My friend Brandi put her arms around me and told me it was fine, I was strong. I'd get by. Time passed and I amazed myself with my own healing power. She was right. I picked myself up. I survived.
I never thought I'd miss you, Brent, my brother who was killed. You left so quickly. You didn't suffer. You protected me from boys. You allowed me to ride to school with you and your friends. You loved football, Better than Ezra and pretty girls. It pissed me off that you were taken. I'm still pissed. I wonder what you'd be doing today? Would you have became the military man just like dad? Would you have the house and the picket fence?
I never thought I'd miss you, high hopes, smart girl, quirky girl, nice girl. Where are you? Are you still me? Are these memories mine? Straight hair, clear skin, bright teeth, curves?. Who are you? You buy your clothes at Gap sometimes, you're normal. You work out daily. You only read your celeberity rags. You eat salads. You play with fate. You live day to day on the inevitability that you'll probably never be loved. You long for love in the way that you can only long for something you've experienced the bitter consequences of -- carefully, cautiously, fearfully. The image in the mirror doesn't reflect how you feel. You know you're beautiful. You just don't remember how to be you.
