Every Bad Ending...Part II

I have to admit, yesterday could have been one of the coolest days of the year! Our day was very fullfilled. We started out a diner and everyone got there their grub on, nobody was really happy with the food. Whats new?! Then everyone wanted to see The Cave. We drove around the resort first and took pictures because the weather was so damn nice. The NYers couldn't believe that deer are common here! At the end of our little drive around Rob, after seeing so many said he finally understood why they allowed hunting!

Then we actually went into the cave and our guide was dressed in Halloween attire and we couldn't understand much of what he was saying, but nevertheless we had an awesome time! Until Eric, Missy's man--he came up behind me and scared me and I screamed sooooooooooo loud in the middle of the tour guide talking about Pluto's ghost (all bullshit btw) I almost had a coronary! I smacked Eric soooooo hard in the arm that he promised he wouldn't do it again thru his hysteria. Some elderly indian slut gave me a mean look and told me to shhh! And of course I did my whole "Do you even know who I am, bitch" under my breath of course ;) Everyone knows I talk a mean game & thats it! Of course nobody could get over the fact that all of the guides & little teenage cashiers knew our names--they thought it was crazy until we showed them a family portrait in my grandfather's old office. Renee hadn't told them everything, just that I had connections. They were very impressed to say the least!!!

After that, we went to the pumpkin patch and got pumpkins which was fun :) We then went back to Renee's and we all said our "We'll see you soons" and I of course shed many tears for Kurt, because he's now my buddie for life. Then Cindy & J.R. took showers and we ate coconut bread and talked for hours with her entire family from the west indies--Trinidad. And of course, to me their like my second family.

On Friday night after everyone returned from the services and everyone gathered at Renee's house to spend the night--I still don't know how they did that, her house is small!!! I walked my sister Haven outside to say Goodbye to Kurt whom she grew to love as well, everyone was wondering if I was leaving and I told them not yet... As soon as I walked outside with Haven my friend Kellie pulls up and then Renee's Aunt Shirley and uncle Shirley, Aunt Charlene, Cindy & J.R. and I all hugged and kissed for about 10 mins! Again--my second family. Then Kurt & Renee returned from their walk and we stole Kurt away from Renee for a few mins and Haven & Kellie were having a moment with Kurt's cologne and I couldn't smell it, and so he jerked my head and pushed it into his chest--nice chest, but I told him I only smelled B.O.--only kidding, the cologne was great, joygasm's for sure!!! So he took us inside and we sniffed his cologne and he put some on me--I'm the only one not married here so it would be okay if I went home smelling like a man :) After we came out of the bedroom everyone was gathered and they asked if I would sit in the middle of the floor, not knowing what to expect, I sat indian style on the floor--which killed my kneee and all billion people, who were even outside on the deck drinking Lager's came in--the neighbors could have been inside too, there was just too many faces!! Then out comes Kurt with Reece and he gives me my baby. Uncle Louie from the Island breaks out a guitar and everyone is crying and Renee is laughing hysterically at me because I'm still wondering what the hell is going on. Let's just say my family is different--So Uncle Louie started playing one of my all time favorite songs by Bob Dylan & Van Morrison--"Crazy Love" and I just sat there and cried while everyone else watched me and everyone sang along--it was too much! "I can hear her heartbeat from a thousand miles and the heavens open everytime she smiles. Yet when I come to her thats where I belong, I run into her like a river's song. She give me love, love, love, love, crazy love. A fine sense of humor when I'm feeling low down yet when I come to her when the sun goes down, she takes away my trouble and takes away my grief, takes away my heartache in the night like a thief, she gives me love, love, love, crazy love. I need her in the daytime and I need her in the night and I want to throw my arms around her and kiss and hug her tight, and when I return from so far away she gives me some sweet loving to brighten up my day--yeah it makes me righteous and it makes me bold, it makes me melt down into my soul--she gives me love, love, crazy love, she gives me love, love, love crazy love!" Imagine Bob Marley singing it though--I was bawling. It moved me that much. I couldn't stand it. I was drowning Reece in tears. Renee knew it was my favorite song and she thought it was so funny until the end when they presented me with a wonderful gift that I'm almost embarrassed to mention because of how exspensive it is. The entire room was in tears with me! It took my breath away. I had never seen so many people wanting to be there by my side, complete & utter love. These people are too good to me. They're awesome to put it lightly. Again, their my second family.

I almost forgot to mention Adam stopping in. It went over well. I was shocked and I almost forgot about it. He was polite and he held Reece. Reece wasn't feeling him though. What else is new?!

Last night, we took Cindy & JR to a haunted house and we had too much fun. We gathered some of our friends, Mike, Jason, Mark, Stacy, Ian, court, Trish, Jacki, and Kayla and everyone of my male friends were going nuts for Cindy. She's my girl so I can't let them try to mac on her. She is beautiful! My heart was pounding so bad and I was freaking out during it, almost panicking--Mike had to pick me up over his shoulders and run out of there with me, freakin knee injury. He said that he saw me frightened and he had to just pick me up!!!

The entire evening was great--right now I have to go pick up Chan & Isaiah--More to come!!

Every Bad Ending...

Brings a new begining. Losing Roderick has been difficult for everyone who knew such a special man, but I've gained so much from this sad loss. I've met some incrediable people that I now call friends!

Kurt, whose Renee's older brother, 33, from NYC, Attorney & classic movie buff. Such a great man. He had me cracking up all the time during this terrible nightmare. Kurt and I bonded this week and let me know how much he appreciated everything that I've done for Reece & Renee. We've spent a great amount of time together and he's easily one of the nicest guys that I've ever met too! Can't wait until I can see him again :) DECEMBER 11th! American Dolls Rule!!!!

Bill is Kurt's friend from NYC too. Bill is this 20 something guy with great hair who enjoys kareoke and told me he could listen to me talk all day!!! He said that he's never heard such a sweet accent before?!!! ME??????? Who knew! Bill is a sweetheart and we plan on tearing up NYC too :)

Next we have Rob. Rob is different! Rob is quiet, sarcastic, & hilarious :) When we all met for breakfast this am, Rob was sporting a lovely tuxedo teeshirt that was supposed to black, but with all of the lint, it had lost all of it's glory. Rob had a killer smile though. I thoroughly enjoyed his sense of humor simply because I related. I was feeling everything he was saying and he and & meshed well.

Then we have Heather. She seems polite. From the 30 second conversation that we had, I believe she had an Aussie accent...I couldn't tell though because she didn't converse much. She seemed sweet when we were saying our goodbyes though. I detested her grandmother attire. When she got stuck in the mud yesterday while wearing heels, she acted as if she was having a seizure!!! I had to walk around the house to avoid everyone seeing me laughing hysterically at her. I'm sure she's sweet.

Shawna--she's Kurt's woman. She is cute. She's attractive, smart and even a good dresser. We spoke occasionally. She complimented me too much to actually like her. Everyone knows I can't stand people who kiss my ass. And cute girls should never try to mack with my Reece!!! On a serious note, Shawna was great.

Cindy!!! She's my girl. We bonded. We hit it off instantaneously!!! She & I cried when we parted ways, she is now my girl. We share a common interest in the finer things, nice restaraunts, designers and a good stylist. Cindy is 20 and we are going to be spending a lot of time together I believe! We have the same taste in foods as well. Ian, Becca & I took her along with her brother, J.R. to lunch and we ordered the same thing--a peanut butter frapp with whip topping. Loved it! So yummy. Then we started completing each other's sentences--"All up in my kool-aid & don't even know the flavor" Cindy is from Brooklyn and is on her way to being a teacher :) You all know I'm loving that fact :)

J.R.--Where do I begin with this little guy. He's 12! He's so cute :) He was such a gentleman that I wanted to take him home with me tonight. So, everyone is aware of how I've been really hard on myself this week from my weight fluctuating, this little man told me that I was 'hot' and that any guy should give thanks for knowing me :) How can you not love that? JR is my usher! He's a scorpio & his birthday is November 12th--PLEASE DONT LET ME FORGET IT!!! He wants Prada shoes :) We'll see. He was one of the sweetest guys I've ever met. I adore him. We're all going to hang out when we get to NYC in December!!! I can't wait.

So this is just a little bit about the new people in my life--I have too many!!!

Right now, I'm tired so I will finish this post tommorrow a.m.

Goodnight all.

Amaya

I Say My Goodbye Today

Today is thursday, I've been awake all morning. I can't sleep, whats new?!

Renee asked if I wanted to stay with Reece on Friday, I said sure so I'm going to and today I get to go pay my respects. I can't believe this shit. I can't believ I have to say bye to Roderick.

I'm so sad. He was so full of life. On Monday he told me that when Reece starts walking he's going to have him in some Martial Arts classes, he wanted so much for little Reece. They had so many hopes and dreams together. They were so in love. So much. As Renee said many times 'it was love at first sight' :)

He spoiled Renee so much. Only because he loved her.

I've decided to put together some pictures of Rod, Renee & Reece simply because so many of you have asked for pictures.

Reece is holding up well. He's a bit cranky. He knows something is wrong. Baby's are smart like that. Especially my baby.

I have prayed for strength and courage to help me stay strong throughout this entire horrifying nightmare. I won't stop praying. Life is going to get worse.

Pray for Renee. Lena. Reece. They bury their husband, son, & father tommorrow.

http://www.dailyprogress.com/servlet/Satellite?pagename=CDP%2FMGArticle%2FCDP_BasicArticle&c=MGArticle&cid=1031778742485&path=!obits!

Day 3

Yesterday was the hardest for Renee & Mrs. Banks. It's so unfortunate at 28, Renee has to bury her husband. He has a lot of damage to his left side, a lot of damage on his face so the funereal won't take place until Friday @ 11:00. His father gave us the jacket he was wearing. It was full of blood....

But I still can not believe it. I think that if I seen it, I would believe it. I still can't believe any of it. ANY OF IT. I just see all of these people crying and holding each other and I'm just waiting for him to walk thru the door and say "BAD JOKE". I'm just hoping for a miracle and a sign and a reason why all of this happened. I need answers.

My grandmother gave me a lecture yesterday on how i'm never to question the Lord's work. I asked her why would God let this young guy, 27 years old who still has a newborn son, why would he let this happen....She said "Amaya, God could have intervined if he wanted to, but this is his will. He said "Well done, Rod. You've loved your family thru and thru and you've been a good man to the rest of the world and I need you here now." Grandma went on to say that it was us who are selfish for wanting him here for a little while longer, it us who want him to walk thru that door. And if Roderick could talk to us now he would say, "I am at peace, there is no sorrow in heaven, I love my friends & family but I am happier here. I will offer you wisdom and strength and I'll live on forever in your heart with fond memories." ---Somehow all of that finally allowed me to sigh.

So Kurt & I went to Walmart--you know, where they sell walls...right...anyway we went to the photo lab and scanned & printed pictures for the funereal guy and for a minute we had the chance to get fresh air and we actually laughed and no matter how good it felt to get out of that house it still hit me like a ton of bricks going back to Renee's house that this is true, this is our reality. Roderick is dead. I cried. I just cried. I've cried so many tears. But I felt better because I CRIED. Even though I didn't know Kurt...or I don't know him that well, It was okay and the way he just allowed me to do my thing in private with him was so nice. I came home almost immeadiately afterward and took a shower, ordered beers and pizza and chilled with Ian, Court, Becca, Lisa, & Kennedy. It felt so good to be 'ok' for a minute. Eric & I talked briefly lastnight, but I fell asleep. My body needs sleep.

it's 7 am. We're going to look at the site this morning and I'm going to take pictures. I NEED THIS. Perhaps then it will start to set in that it's true. Renee wants me there with her today.

How & why

I can't sleep. I'm so numb right now. Roderick is dead. How does any of this shit make sense? He was on his way home from working a 16 hour shift, driving 2 hours home to be with his baby & Renee. He hit a small tree. His dad said the tree was small. He was only 15 miles from home. The EMT's got his heart beat back once. Oh dear God. He shouldn't have died. This never should have happened. We just hung out on Monday and again on Tuesday for a while. We had such a good conversation. He's so smart.

This is so crazy. I don't know what to do with myself. I need answers because this really shouldn't have happened. We all needed him for a while longer. There was no warning. Nothing.

Renee said on her desk, friday, she has a picture of Rod & Reece together and she just kept touching Rod's face and she said she's never done anything like that. Life is so weird. Reece senses something is wrong because he wouldn't sleep yesterday. Not even for me. This child loved his daddy so much. Reece giggled outloud with Roderick. The baby would smile for hours with his daddy. Roderick will never get to see his child again.

Such a freaking tragedy. I'm so angry.

He didn'y make it

Waiting is the Worst

I was startled at the sound of my cell phone going off this a.m @ 5. It said 'Rod' and it took me a minute to figure out who 'Rod' was. Then my home phone rang it was Renee screaming and crying and initially I thought it was something with Reece. In her I just smoked an entire pack of cigarettes voice, she said "Maya, Roderick has been in an accident and I don't know where Fairfax Inova Trauma is" I assured her that I would be there in 10 mins. I had to wake Becca up because I couldn't drive--(painkillers and cherry bombs make for an interesting night) So I got to Renee's house and she was a whack job. She was there all alone crying. My heart just went out to her.

Normally Rod gets home on Friday's @ 11-12. Reece woke Renee up @ 4:30 because he was hungry. She realized Roderick hadn't came home yet and tried calling his cell phone, she says she left 3 voice messages and after the last message the phone rang thinking it was Roderick calling her back, it was Fairfax Inova--Your Husband has been in an accident.

Please Pray for everybody ehre...we're going nuts...

Tis to the freaking weekend

I'm about to have me some fun! What song is that from?

Today is my official last day with Reece. I have to get back to work. I've had a good month off and I need to get back in the swing of things. I actually miss it. Can you believe that?!

My family is supposed to go shopping this weekend. I'm not going. I'm still not physically capable of a shopping day :( I do need some new jeans. I'd have to travel to get my Chloe jeans though. Hrmm, perhaps I should reconsider!

So since I'm diabetic it's taking longer for everything to heal. And I can't stand it Do I bitch a lot?

So I was watching GMA this morning (I'm always up early enough) and in Wisconsin two Amish brothers Ely and Robert Bryler raped their own sister, Mary for years. She broke out of the Amish world and went to the police with the story. Her parents knew that her brothers were raping her and her father even said that since she allowed it to happen so often she probably asked for it!! Her parents were charged with 'knowing' about what was going on. What struck me as wrong was the fact that Ely got 8 years in prison and Robert got probation and has to go to jail everynight for 6 months. Yes, you read that correctly--Only at night because he has a family and has to milk the cows! Can you believe that crap?

I want to see Wimbledon. Perhaps I'll find time for that this weekend.

T--were you on a date lastnight?

My Eric

Baby, I love you. You are my life. My happiest moments won't be complete if you're not by my side. You're my relation and connection to the sun. With you next to me there's no darkness I can't overcome! You and God, whose my sunlight are blooming so beautifully.

Baby, I'm so proud, proud to be your girl. You make the confusion go away from this cold and empty world. I am in love with you and you've set me free. I can't do this thing called life without you here with me. I'm so in love with you and I'll never leave. Just keep loving me the way I love you loving me.

And I know you love me. You love me for who I am. No, it's not easy loving me, but I appreciate the love and dedication that you give so unselfishly. I see my whole future in your eyes. And the thought of all my love for you almost makes me want to cry. I realize all of my blessings and I'm grateful to have you by my side. Everytime I see your face Eric, my heart smiles. And again, I'll never leave just keep loving me the way I love you loving me!!!

Tired.

I went to bed Super early lastnight. I was soooooooooooo exhausted after therapy. Yuck. I'm not going back!!! I'm in soooooooooo much pain. Back to the drugs.

T--I tried calling you back at 8 to no avail. Text message me.

Issaac--You're nuts.


Eric--I missed you lastnight. I was soooooooooooo tired.

I need to get laid. I'm bitchy, I'm pmsing and I'm horny. This isn't news.

More to come....

update

Eric is sick :( No work for him :(

2 am phone call from Issac--"Issac it's 2 am, I'm sleeping! I can't talk" "I don't want to talk, what are you wearing?" WHAT?!!! Click.

More later

Sheesh

I couldn't help myself from reading Eric's emails that he sent me before I edited my journal. I am so sad right now.

In other news, I went to Church and Bible Study yesterday. I feel so much better when I go. I actually missed it.

I have to get to physical therapy...hopefully I won't miss this appointment.

I just got off the phone with Renee and she asked if I could come by tonight @ 11:00 and watch Reece for about an hour!!! On a friday night?! Nevermind that it's Friday night and my friends and I are getting a Limo and going out==All of which she knew! Of course I said yes, because of Reece. So on my way out I have to go over there and hang out at her house while he's asleep and she's at work doing a fire drill! NO SPIT UP ON THE ARMANI, REECE!!!

************************************** EDIT**************************************

Today, I'm going over to Reece's for a while. Brandi and I are going to go shopping. We've decided that will make us feel tons better. Trish, Megan, Lisa, Brandi, Michelle, Michael, Rick, Danny, Courtney and whoever else are going out. I'm a little hesitant about going out--knee. Oh well.

More later

T is in Cabo!!! I'm so jealous.

Christopher Reeves..

It's not that often that I am saddened by the loss of someone I never knew...but Christopher Reeves is the exception. He was such a strong man. He was such a strong, owerful activist for Stem cell research while stuck in a chair, I remember interns/staffers talking about when Christopher Reeves came to Cap Hill that they didn't believe he would accomplish anything, but he left such an impresion on everybody there that he left them all in silence. And somehow, I believe that Superman has the kyrptonite to do that....

I am very familiar with the ranch where he actually had his accident, it's in Culpeper and His Neurosurgeon, Dr. Jane was the same guy who saved Chandler's life. In his office is a picture of Dr. Jane, Superman & Oprah.

Thinking back on the past week, month even, I've been upset with having to wear a stupid brace, bandages and feeling very sorry for myself...And then I realized after hearing that Christopher had died how well I really do have it. It could always be worse than this and I'm sure anyone thats stuck in a chair would love to have just a torn ACL. So with that said, I am going to start thinking like that...It could always be worse!


Superman


I'm more than a bird¡­I'm more than a plane
More than some pretty face beside a train
It's not easy to be me


It may sound absurd¡­but don't be nieve
Even Heroes have the right to bleed
I may be disturbed¡­but won't you conceed
Even Heroes have the right to dream
It's not easy to be me


I can't stand to fly
I'm not that nieve
Men weren't meant to ride
With clouds between their knees

I'm only a man in a silly red sheet
Digging for kryptonite on this one way street
Only a man in a funny red sheet
Looking for special things inside of me

It's not easy to be me.

This has to be the prettiest sunrise I've seen in a while. It's a orange/red color sun rising over the mountains and the trees are starting to turn gold. There is a chill in the air too. Autumn is here.

Didn't do anything much at all. Had dinner with my aunt Carmen, helped Isaiah with homework, went to sleep. Pretty unevenful. Shocking? Nope.

Has anyone heard how David Shenk is? I haven't heard anything yet. No news is good news.

My parents are taking Isaiah & Chandler to the pumpkin patch this weekend to get their pumpkins. They're excited. Chandler is going to be Flash Gordon from the 70's! Isaiah isn't sure what he wants to be. Emma is going to be a fairy, Matty is The Hulk, Reece is not sure yet, Kennedy is going to be Raggedy Ann.

I gotta catch up on a ton of paper work....

This has to be the prettiest sunrise I've seen in a while. It's a orange/red color sun rising over the mountains and the trees are starting to turn gold. There is a chill in the air too. Autumn is here.

Didn't do anything much at all. Had dinner with my aunt Carmen, helped Isaiah with homework, went to sleep. Pretty unevenful. Shocking? Nope.

Has anyone heard how David Shenk is? I haven't heard anything yet. No news is good news.

My parents are taking Isaiah & Chandler to the pumpkin patch this weekend to get their pumpkins. They're excited. Chandler is going to be Flash Gordon from the 70's! Isaiah isn't sure what he wants to be. Emma is going to be a fairy, Matty is The Hulk, Reece is not sure yet, Kennedy is going to be Raggedy Ann.

I gotta catch up on a ton of paper work....

Halloween

What should I be for Halloween?

My brother suggested Paris Hilton....I could borrow Courtney's Chiuhuaha...I could be a bimbo for one night....except I have to incorporate my brace into the outfit...a torn up Paris????

Suggestions, please!

I had a wonderful night of sleep! I got 6 hours of it! I don't sleep much--ever so this is exciting for me.

Andy, who is the son of my Mom's friend, William, who I saw briefly on Saturday called me and told me he got the number from my Mom asked me if I wanted to come over and watch DVD's with him. THATS A BIG NO! First off, he's the biggest dork ever who had a chance to go to Brown but passed it up for William & Mary, He married Melissa Gray==DOUBLE EWWW! They divorced and their offspring, which I rarely say anything bad about, is uhm....to put it mildly she's ugly. Andy has blond hair with blue eyes and everyone knows I don't do blondes!!! Besides, I liked him when I was 14 (what was I thinking) he should have offered then!!! So, I told him I'm just so busy these days and then he asked how busy can you possibly be with 1 leg!!! MOTHERFUCKER!!!

Funny story: Isaiah was doing his homework and he asked me how do you spell 'nothing', and 'something' it took me a second to figure out what he was asking, I told him N O T H I N G & S O M E T H I N G, I was too wrapped up in the news to pay any attention to him...So as we were going over his Math sheet, which he excels in, it was flawless and then I came across a sheet a paper that had "WHAT DOES COLUMBUS DAY MEAN TO YOU" on the top, Isaiah had written NOTHING! I thought this was funny, but I explained to him that writing nothing was about him being lazy and it was unacceptable. He then said Mrs. WHATSHERFACE said that he had to write something, but something was too long so he wrote nothing!!! I had a moment...the kid is hilarious. Eventually he managed to spit up a paragraph.

Bye

My day

Highlights:

I'm a diabetic = Slower healing process
Becky & I are getting together every Sunday night for coffees and conversation.
Jamie & his team won the game, yet again
Cavs are 6th in the nation


I just got out of the shower, hair is still wet but I'm super tired so I'm going to bed. Scott is on IM and I think he wants me. Too bad.

As for my friend David Shenk, he's in UVA and isn't doing well, thats all I know, not sure exactly what is wrong, but I don't want to call the hospital and speak to anyone--yet. Michelle & I were really good friends....David is such a sweetheart...he has a lil girl, Sarah with Amy....still shocking.

On to bed.

Gnight!

I can't function...

I can't sleep. I forgot to eat yesterday and I have this overwhelming feeling of guilt and almost shame. I don't really know what to say...I think I got so wrapped up in my pain and this feeling of not being able to be myself and do normal things that I didn't notice what it was doing to everyone around me. Or not even around me, more importantly.

I don't know if any of this can be fixed at this point.

I called Nadia because she's probably the wisest lady that I know and we talked about everything from HIM to ME to a nice getaway to the Greenbriar on Sunday. She says that she's worried about me because I'm under so much pressure and most of it's the shit I do to myself. I explained to her that I was fine but I don't know if I could forgive myself if I allowed HIM to just walk away. HER WORDS "If he did this to you, you wouldn't even remember his name" and how true that is....

There's no fixing this. I've really fucked this one.

Oh & T thanx for the pep talk yesterday--I really needed it. You're probably the only person who understands everything and sees things from my perspective, Thank you.

I'm feeling misty eyed and my flame is slowly fading...

When will this all be over? I keep praying, but it's as if this 'feeling' isn't leaving me.

I don't reconize myself. i try to sourround myself with good things but as soon as I part ways I go home and it starts all over again.

It gets worse at night.

I didn't sleep lastnight. Probably because I sleep all day.

I know that since I know that there is a problem then I'm okay.

I'm withdrawing from people. I don't even want to be around my family....Becca is the only rational one.

This entire accident has fucked me up soo much. To look at myself I get upset, this isn't me. I'm supposed to lie around all day? I've always been active, I've always been independent. I can't take many more days like this. My life was turned upside down in a fucking second.

Weird.

I absolutely detest people who don't communicate!!!

A lot has happend and I'm fucked. So is Brandi. Details later.