Yesterday was the hardest for Renee & Mrs. Banks. It's so unfortunate at 28, Renee has to bury her husband. He has a lot of damage to his left side, a lot of damage on his face so the funereal won't take place until Friday @ 11:00. His father gave us the jacket he was wearing. It was full of blood....
But I still can not believe it. I think that if I seen it, I would believe it. I still can't believe any of it. ANY OF IT. I just see all of these people crying and holding each other and I'm just waiting for him to walk thru the door and say "BAD JOKE". I'm just hoping for a miracle and a sign and a reason why all of this happened. I need answers.
My grandmother gave me a lecture yesterday on how i'm never to question the Lord's work. I asked her why would God let this young guy, 27 years old who still has a newborn son, why would he let this happen....She said "Amaya, God could have intervined if he wanted to, but this is his will. He said "Well done, Rod. You've loved your family thru and thru and you've been a good man to the rest of the world and I need you here now." Grandma went on to say that it was us who are selfish for wanting him here for a little while longer, it us who want him to walk thru that door. And if Roderick could talk to us now he would say, "I am at peace, there is no sorrow in heaven, I love my friends & family but I am happier here. I will offer you wisdom and strength and I'll live on forever in your heart with fond memories." ---Somehow all of that finally allowed me to sigh.
So Kurt & I went to Walmart--you know, where they sell walls...right...anyway we went to the photo lab and scanned & printed pictures for the funereal guy and for a minute we had the chance to get fresh air and we actually laughed and no matter how good it felt to get out of that house it still hit me like a ton of bricks going back to Renee's house that this is true, this is our reality. Roderick is dead. I cried. I just cried. I've cried so many tears. But I felt better because I CRIED. Even though I didn't know Kurt...or I don't know him that well, It was okay and the way he just allowed me to do my thing in private with him was so nice. I came home almost immeadiately afterward and took a shower, ordered beers and pizza and chilled with Ian, Court, Becca, Lisa, & Kennedy. It felt so good to be 'ok' for a minute. Eric & I talked briefly lastnight, but I fell asleep. My body needs sleep.
it's 7 am. We're going to look at the site this morning and I'm going to take pictures. I NEED THIS. Perhaps then it will start to set in that it's true. Renee wants me there with her today.
