Too much has been going on lately which is why I haven't had the time to update nor have I really had any desire to. The trial is soon and I can't wait to just get it over with!!! I'm going to Vegas soon and one of my 'friends' has proposed...I guess thats what that was!!! We've been friends for a looong time and we're going to do something crazy and see where it takes us!!!
"Through you (you know who you are) I've learned to smile again. You've opened the path to happiness! Your love's amazing. Lying beside me you see into the soul of me and your spirit sets me free!"
And to everyone who got a drunk dial on Friday...I'm sorry :)
Oh and "BrokeAss" (he reads this, he knows what I call him!) and I have been cordial to each other. He called out of nowhere and we've been talking since. Turns out Dirty Diesel B is a maniputive Polynesian little cunt. Mike set the record straight for me. How could I be so retarded as to trust her?! He says that she's still crazy jealous. Big Shocker.
Isaiah is the best ball player ever! He scored the winning hit for the Padres last night. He is the man. Derek, take notice!!! And did I mention that he's also the brightest child I know?! He bought a gerbil from the pet store and I was trying to get info from Isaiah about the nasty thing and when I asked what exactly it was he broke it down for me "It's a Gerbil, I named him Tanner because he's tan and white. He's about 8 weeks old and he belongs to the rodent family, they have a negative reputation in the heterosexality community". I was shocked. The kid is only 8 years old! When I asked how he knew that he said "Research Mini" He's beyond brilliant!
Upcoming events:
NEW YORK CITY :) Can't wait to see ya :)
VEGAS :) We're doing this in June
CHICAGO :) Mike is going nuts!!!
Memorial Day weekend plans are still up in the air. Any ideas? Email 'em.
I have to get back to work!
OH and Issaac--Don't REINLIST :( :(
Tuesday, May 17, 2005
Tuesday, April 12, 2005
I slept so well lastnight. It was a much needed night of sleep. I haven't slept well in weeks and this was great for me. I awoke to a call from 'Married Mike'--the ex. He wants to do lunch in G'town today but I declined. I took the day to spend it in my pajamas and enjoy my house all to myself and pay bills, and plant flowers...yes, I do that!!!
Brit and talked lastnight. Why? I don't know! The only thing we have in common is Michael aka 'Brokeass' she seems to be doing well. Unfortunately, he isn't. I was thinking of calling him just to check in on him. She said that he's gone "GOTH PUNK" and wears eyeliner these days!!! Not the guy that I knew a year ago!!! Honestly I don't think I really knew him though...It's weird how Brit and I talk. We're okay with each other. Never in a million years would have thought that I'd be cordial to her. Who knew?!
My birthday is quickly approaching and I've had demands from everywhere to spend it with me. I promised dinner with Charles--aka Mr. Millionaire, his birthday is tommorrow. Dr. Drew Chang wants to hang out too. He's so different from anything ordinary. He's a nice change. My friend Jeff (law school) is coming up soon from FL and we're going to hang out for a few....My boy Kenny in Long Island and I are going to hang out when I get to NYC on May 12th. But I think I'm taking my girls to the beach house with me. We all need that. No men, just lots of good drinks and some sun and we'll be happy!!!
Did I mention that I love my new job? I'm so happy! Did I tell you how much I miss my Reece? Did I mention how much I'm not liking Renee these days?!
I'm missing E a lot.
Then theres T! He's going through a funk with the girls...The wedding pics were great!!! He's so increadibly goodlooking and I think we should just give up on love and just move in with each other :) On a more serious note I think of an old Otis Redding song when I think of T and Ellen
"Try a little tenderness, thats all you have to do. It's not just sentimental, NO NO NO. You won't regret it, no no no...Them young girls they don't forget it, no no....It's all so easy, all you have to do is try try a lil tenderness...all you have to do is dance...hold her where you want her, squeeze her, don't tease her, never leave her, you've got to hold her....try a little tenderness...you have to love her, please her...don't bruise her...NO NO NO!!! Try a lil tenderness! "
I've got work to do now....
Enjoy the lovely weather!!!
Brit and talked lastnight. Why? I don't know! The only thing we have in common is Michael aka 'Brokeass' she seems to be doing well. Unfortunately, he isn't. I was thinking of calling him just to check in on him. She said that he's gone "GOTH PUNK" and wears eyeliner these days!!! Not the guy that I knew a year ago!!! Honestly I don't think I really knew him though...It's weird how Brit and I talk. We're okay with each other. Never in a million years would have thought that I'd be cordial to her. Who knew?!
My birthday is quickly approaching and I've had demands from everywhere to spend it with me. I promised dinner with Charles--aka Mr. Millionaire, his birthday is tommorrow. Dr. Drew Chang wants to hang out too. He's so different from anything ordinary. He's a nice change. My friend Jeff (law school) is coming up soon from FL and we're going to hang out for a few....My boy Kenny in Long Island and I are going to hang out when I get to NYC on May 12th. But I think I'm taking my girls to the beach house with me. We all need that. No men, just lots of good drinks and some sun and we'll be happy!!!
Did I mention that I love my new job? I'm so happy! Did I tell you how much I miss my Reece? Did I mention how much I'm not liking Renee these days?!
I'm missing E a lot.
Then theres T! He's going through a funk with the girls...The wedding pics were great!!! He's so increadibly goodlooking and I think we should just give up on love and just move in with each other :) On a more serious note I think of an old Otis Redding song when I think of T and Ellen
"Try a little tenderness, thats all you have to do. It's not just sentimental, NO NO NO. You won't regret it, no no no...Them young girls they don't forget it, no no....It's all so easy, all you have to do is try try a lil tenderness...all you have to do is dance...hold her where you want her, squeeze her, don't tease her, never leave her, you've got to hold her....try a little tenderness...you have to love her, please her...don't bruise her...NO NO NO!!! Try a lil tenderness! "
I've got work to do now....
Enjoy the lovely weather!!!
Monday, April 11, 2005
Bad Habit
My friends insist that I give up on the 'internet guy' that disrespects me so much, but it's hard to just forget about him. He wasn't just some random guy...he was much more, but I can't change that. Have you ever loved somebody so much that you went againist the right thing that you should do? Ugh...what am I doing....enough, enough!
Faith came to my office this morning...As soon as she walked in I just looked at her and asked what was wrong and she said just started crying. As I got closer to her to comfort her, there was blood all over her clothes and I freaked! I thought she was in a car accident or something horrible like that....Her psuedo husband beat the shit out of her! She had marks all over her face where she said that he punched her right between the eyes, the marks on her upper arm was from his nails digging into her skin. I listened to her and all I heard was how everything was her fault....I don't agree with the way that Faith lives her life, but there is never a reason for a man to hit you, ever!!!! After talking about it most of the day with her she wasn't seeing things as they were...Needless to say she went back to him after I begged her to stay with me and I would help her as much as possible to make it on her own....It was all for nothing. I've tried calling her house two times tonight without an answer. I'm worried about her but I'm going to keep the faith!!
Work is great. I love it. I am so happy. And against my mother's wishes I'm not going back to school to get a degree in travel and tourism. How often would you find me working 40 plus hours a week? NEVER!!!
My 'ex' friend Jeff from FL whose ex is miss Patty Dunn who was shunned and lost her pageant title because she posed partially nude wants to spend my birthday with me and tells me all the time how I'm better than most and 'he' didn't appreciate me. Jeff doesn't know everything though....
Daddy is doing well. Im so happy. He actually told me that he feels as if he can breath again!!! Love my daddy!
Tonight Michael, Mark, Jason, Trish, Stacy, Courtney, Ian and I hung out at the bar and got a lil buzzed. It was nice....
I met a guy a work who is actually cute, Breck. He's so sweet. I'm sure he's devious beyond all of that.
In other news, ghetto fabulous Renee is punishing me by not allowing me to see Reece. I cry everytime I have enough time to think about him. I love him so much and she's keeping him away from me even after I put my life on hold for her for too long. I've been there for her more than her entire family has and because I decided that I couldn't keep doing that, I had to get back to the real world and get a real job she got pissed. Reece knows that I love him. He won't forget that. Ever. He knows that I took care of him. He knows that I was the one that was there for him thru everything...fevers, sickness, his daddy's death....his first word, his first step...everything! And she is now punishing me. So Renee if you ever stumble upon this...FUCK YOU :)
Back to the Merlot I go!
Faith came to my office this morning...As soon as she walked in I just looked at her and asked what was wrong and she said just started crying. As I got closer to her to comfort her, there was blood all over her clothes and I freaked! I thought she was in a car accident or something horrible like that....Her psuedo husband beat the shit out of her! She had marks all over her face where she said that he punched her right between the eyes, the marks on her upper arm was from his nails digging into her skin. I listened to her and all I heard was how everything was her fault....I don't agree with the way that Faith lives her life, but there is never a reason for a man to hit you, ever!!!! After talking about it most of the day with her she wasn't seeing things as they were...Needless to say she went back to him after I begged her to stay with me and I would help her as much as possible to make it on her own....It was all for nothing. I've tried calling her house two times tonight without an answer. I'm worried about her but I'm going to keep the faith!!
Work is great. I love it. I am so happy. And against my mother's wishes I'm not going back to school to get a degree in travel and tourism. How often would you find me working 40 plus hours a week? NEVER!!!
My 'ex' friend Jeff from FL whose ex is miss Patty Dunn who was shunned and lost her pageant title because she posed partially nude wants to spend my birthday with me and tells me all the time how I'm better than most and 'he' didn't appreciate me. Jeff doesn't know everything though....
Daddy is doing well. Im so happy. He actually told me that he feels as if he can breath again!!! Love my daddy!
Tonight Michael, Mark, Jason, Trish, Stacy, Courtney, Ian and I hung out at the bar and got a lil buzzed. It was nice....
I met a guy a work who is actually cute, Breck. He's so sweet. I'm sure he's devious beyond all of that.
In other news, ghetto fabulous Renee is punishing me by not allowing me to see Reece. I cry everytime I have enough time to think about him. I love him so much and she's keeping him away from me even after I put my life on hold for her for too long. I've been there for her more than her entire family has and because I decided that I couldn't keep doing that, I had to get back to the real world and get a real job she got pissed. Reece knows that I love him. He won't forget that. Ever. He knows that I took care of him. He knows that I was the one that was there for him thru everything...fevers, sickness, his daddy's death....his first word, his first step...everything! And she is now punishing me. So Renee if you ever stumble upon this...FUCK YOU :)
Back to the Merlot I go!
Sunday, April 10, 2005
Tonight was just all wrong!
So the girls and had the evening planned out...we were getting a suite, meeting up with some friends and partying. The evening started out fabulously. We were ahead of our arrival time, (always good for high maintaince girls). We checked into our room and it was very luxurious and nice. We all started the evening off with some Bacardi and then we headed over to dinner @ The Piccolo. My new favorite Italian rest. All the boys ordered prime rib while I was normal and had Ziti. It was very pleasing...the service, food and the environment was cozy, quaint and we were all pleased (thats rare).
We went out to Ozio, then to 1223, then to Home. I'm 25 years old and the bar scene is just not for me anymore. Thats not news though. I met a fighfighter named Bryce who was super sweet but he was from IL. Like I need another one of those....Too much work!!!! He insisted on buying me drinks...who am I to say no?! After two Candy Apple 'Tini's I was becoming disgusted with the 'game' that men tend to run in order to 'get some'! I'm not that easy asshole is what I was silently screaming while flashing my 2000 watt Miss Congenality smile.
We all went back to our hotel room and then I had an ephiphany. This entire scene with the boy girl ratio at 2-1 just wasn't good. I flet uncomfortable and then when the guys broke out the 'snow' I got uneasy and I freaked...I demanded that everyone get it out of my site. That drug caused soooooooooo much pain in my life. I'm not sure I'll ever get over it. So after realizing that I was better than that....I decided that I was going home...Okay...really....McLean!!! I don't trust myself around it and I don't want it around me. So I left. Yep....drove home alone.
I needed to.
More later :)
We went out to Ozio, then to 1223, then to Home. I'm 25 years old and the bar scene is just not for me anymore. Thats not news though. I met a fighfighter named Bryce who was super sweet but he was from IL. Like I need another one of those....Too much work!!!! He insisted on buying me drinks...who am I to say no?! After two Candy Apple 'Tini's I was becoming disgusted with the 'game' that men tend to run in order to 'get some'! I'm not that easy asshole is what I was silently screaming while flashing my 2000 watt Miss Congenality smile.
We all went back to our hotel room and then I had an ephiphany. This entire scene with the boy girl ratio at 2-1 just wasn't good. I flet uncomfortable and then when the guys broke out the 'snow' I got uneasy and I freaked...I demanded that everyone get it out of my site. That drug caused soooooooooo much pain in my life. I'm not sure I'll ever get over it. So after realizing that I was better than that....I decided that I was going home...Okay...really....McLean!!! I don't trust myself around it and I don't want it around me. So I left. Yep....drove home alone.
I needed to.
More later :)
Monday, April 04, 2005
My Rock
Thats what he is....
I've said it before but I don't know what I'd do if I lost him...he's the glue that keeps me together. He's the only man that has ever loved me unconditionally and he's not doing well and I live in constant fear of losing that and God forbid if I ever did....
I want my husband to be like my daddy
There is noone else like my daddy
I still remember the expression on your face when you found out that I'd been on a date and had a boyfriend...
I still remember I called you crying about my tattoo you could have said I told you so instead you said you'd get one too!
Words can't express my boundless gratitude for you
I appreciate what you do...
You've given me such security, no matter what mistakes I make I know you're there for me
You cure my disapointments and heal my pain, you understand my fears and you protect me
I treasure every extraordinary memory...
I thank you for loving me
Even if my man broke my heart today,
No matter how much pain I'm in,
I'll be okay because I got a man in my life that can't be replaced
Because this love is unconditional and it doesn't go away...
Lord why did you pick me? I can't stop the tears from falling...
I love you soooooooooooo much daddy! You've done so much for me. I love you daddy
I get so emotional daddy...I get so emotional daddy everytime I think of you, I get so emotional
There is noone else like my daddy...No One else...
He's been thru hell and he needs all the prayers he can get...
It's been shitty around here but I'll live...
Andrew aka Dr. Chang and I are going to chill tonight...I need some distractions. I don't know it may be too soon...we'll see.
Work today was great. Loved every minute of it...I'm excited. Although Golf is down 8% this year...but with me on board, that will change....
It's time for a new car...yay!!! Shopping always makes me happy. I'm going downtown for some drinks...whose coming with?
I've said it before but I don't know what I'd do if I lost him...he's the glue that keeps me together. He's the only man that has ever loved me unconditionally and he's not doing well and I live in constant fear of losing that and God forbid if I ever did....
I want my husband to be like my daddy
There is noone else like my daddy
I still remember the expression on your face when you found out that I'd been on a date and had a boyfriend...
I still remember I called you crying about my tattoo you could have said I told you so instead you said you'd get one too!
Words can't express my boundless gratitude for you
I appreciate what you do...
You've given me such security, no matter what mistakes I make I know you're there for me
You cure my disapointments and heal my pain, you understand my fears and you protect me
I treasure every extraordinary memory...
I thank you for loving me
Even if my man broke my heart today,
No matter how much pain I'm in,
I'll be okay because I got a man in my life that can't be replaced
Because this love is unconditional and it doesn't go away...
Lord why did you pick me? I can't stop the tears from falling...
I love you soooooooooooo much daddy! You've done so much for me. I love you daddy
I get so emotional daddy...I get so emotional daddy everytime I think of you, I get so emotional
There is noone else like my daddy...No One else...
He's been thru hell and he needs all the prayers he can get...
It's been shitty around here but I'll live...
Andrew aka Dr. Chang and I are going to chill tonight...I need some distractions. I don't know it may be too soon...we'll see.
Work today was great. Loved every minute of it...I'm excited. Although Golf is down 8% this year...but with me on board, that will change....
It's time for a new car...yay!!! Shopping always makes me happy. I'm going downtown for some drinks...whose coming with?
Wednesday, March 23, 2005
So much in so little time...
Has happened! My dad is still not in the best of health since the heartattack, but I have full faith that he'll make a full recovery if Dr. Chang has anything to do with it!
My aunt died a week ago today...so unexpected. I think this is number 8. I haven't spoken with her since Chandler's birthday in January... Her husband left her for another woman last year and her sons said that she never fully got over that...She died with a broken heart! And can you believe her husband didn't even show at the service??? I guess he feels guilty.
Not much going on except some guy, "GARY" called Eric and mentioned my name. Eric finds this very odd and has questioned me about it several times. I called the number, I don't know that guy's voice thats on the voicemail. I don't even know the number. And yet he finds it too odd. Naturally it pisses me off that he keeps bringing it up. I'm going to call the number today and talk with 'GARY'. I do know a GARY, and he was crazy...He moved to NJ though and got a life. So who this person is, I don't know....And Eric can go fuck himself.
I've been going to the tanning bed getting my tan on...I can't wait for summer!
Im battling a cold....NOT GOOD.
Oh and there is a new member of the family, diaper posse...Little Elijah Christian :)
PEACE, LOVE, and INFERTILITY!
My aunt died a week ago today...so unexpected. I think this is number 8. I haven't spoken with her since Chandler's birthday in January... Her husband left her for another woman last year and her sons said that she never fully got over that...She died with a broken heart! And can you believe her husband didn't even show at the service??? I guess he feels guilty.
Not much going on except some guy, "GARY" called Eric and mentioned my name. Eric finds this very odd and has questioned me about it several times. I called the number, I don't know that guy's voice thats on the voicemail. I don't even know the number. And yet he finds it too odd. Naturally it pisses me off that he keeps bringing it up. I'm going to call the number today and talk with 'GARY'. I do know a GARY, and he was crazy...He moved to NJ though and got a life. So who this person is, I don't know....And Eric can go fuck himself.
I've been going to the tanning bed getting my tan on...I can't wait for summer!
Im battling a cold....NOT GOOD.
Oh and there is a new member of the family, diaper posse...Little Elijah Christian :)
PEACE, LOVE, and INFERTILITY!
Thursday, March 03, 2005
NO JUSTICE I TELL YOU
You always hope that the people who were cruel to you/cocky/perfect/higher than thou in high school will ultimately fail at life because it really wouldn't be fair any other way, right? So, I'm thinking I'm doing pretty good. Got away to college, only gained about 10 lbs. Joined a sorority, got involved. Double majored. Working hard, sometimes....Well on Saturday I ran into an old friend from High School Brennon Wilson! The conversation went like this.
Brennon: "Yeah, I ran into (insert name of perfect bitch you hated in highschool here) today."
Amaya: "Yeah, really? Is she fat yet?"
Brennon: Uh, actually no. She's in amazing shape. She's training to run the NYC Marathon. She runs like, 8 miles a day."
Amaya: (Silence)"..... oh."
Brennon: And she's president of her company."
Amaya: (Silence) "....I see."
Brennon: "Oh yeah, and she's got an interview with Northwestern to study nuclear medicine."
Amaya: "ARE YOU FUCKING SHITTING ME? Who studies 'nuclear medicine?' That chick is as dumb as a box of rocks."
Brennon: "Well I guess not. Oh yeah, and remember her friend (insert name of perfect bitch you hated's slightly chunky sidekick you once referred to in jest as 'tank ass')? Well she's lost 35 lbs and looks GREAT!"
Amaya: UGhhhhhh"
TOTALLY NOT WHAT YOU WANT TO HEAR!!!! I was really hoping they'd all be trailer trash by now.
Dammit.
Okay, I know, I know it's petty. I really wish her no ill will. (Okay, a lil ill will) but the dumb bitchy girls in high school aren't supposed to become marathon-running nuclear physisists. They're supposed to be fat and getting smacked around by some guy named Duke in a trailer in your hometown. And everyone she kicked around is supposed to be rejoicing!
All of this brought to mind the movie Romy and Michelle's High School Reunion. My 5 year is only 1 year away. Fawk! I'd better start training for the Olympics if I want to compete!
Okay. I'm done.
Brennon: "Yeah, I ran into (insert name of perfect bitch you hated in highschool here) today."
Amaya: "Yeah, really? Is she fat yet?"
Brennon: Uh, actually no. She's in amazing shape. She's training to run the NYC Marathon. She runs like, 8 miles a day."
Amaya: (Silence)"..... oh."
Brennon: And she's president of her company."
Amaya: (Silence) "....I see."
Brennon: "Oh yeah, and she's got an interview with Northwestern to study nuclear medicine."
Amaya: "ARE YOU FUCKING SHITTING ME? Who studies 'nuclear medicine?' That chick is as dumb as a box of rocks."
Brennon: "Well I guess not. Oh yeah, and remember her friend (insert name of perfect bitch you hated's slightly chunky sidekick you once referred to in jest as 'tank ass')? Well she's lost 35 lbs and looks GREAT!"
Amaya: UGhhhhhh"
TOTALLY NOT WHAT YOU WANT TO HEAR!!!! I was really hoping they'd all be trailer trash by now.
Dammit.
Okay, I know, I know it's petty. I really wish her no ill will. (Okay, a lil ill will) but the dumb bitchy girls in high school aren't supposed to become marathon-running nuclear physisists. They're supposed to be fat and getting smacked around by some guy named Duke in a trailer in your hometown. And everyone she kicked around is supposed to be rejoicing!
All of this brought to mind the movie Romy and Michelle's High School Reunion. My 5 year is only 1 year away. Fawk! I'd better start training for the Olympics if I want to compete!
Okay. I'm done.
Tuesday, March 01, 2005
How do I get him to stop?
Because I'm such a nice chic and sometimes I talk to Married Mike I allowed him to email me pictures of his kid. ONCE. He won't stop. Not only is it taking up valuable space in my hotmail account but the kid is no Reece. BY ANY MEANS!!! To put it nicely, the kid is not cute! Most people would think that I was jealous and I was being mean, but judge for yourself! Check out the funky nose on that kid! Those lips are pretty crazy too! I'm sure he's sweet, but cute...he's got nothing. Poor kid.
This is the email I wrote to Michael:
Dear Married Asian Man with the funky lipped baby with Cha-Cha,
I'm sure you find your offspring adoreable, however most of us with the latest Anne Klein eyewear don't! Stop torturing me with the pictures. One was too many.
Best Wishes to you and your munchkins,
The Always Beautiful,
Amaya W.
Okay--so I didn't send it, I wanted to! I just said thats enough of the pics. I have 17 now of this thing. What to do with them....Delete... Disk Cleanup....Reboot. Done!
I'm eating a ton of icecream and loving it. It makes me feel better.
Does anyone love me? Why don't you ever email me then????
Love,
Amaya
This is the email I wrote to Michael:
Dear Married Asian Man with the funky lipped baby with Cha-Cha,
I'm sure you find your offspring adoreable, however most of us with the latest Anne Klein eyewear don't! Stop torturing me with the pictures. One was too many.
Best Wishes to you and your munchkins,
The Always Beautiful,
Amaya W.
Okay--so I didn't send it, I wanted to! I just said thats enough of the pics. I have 17 now of this thing. What to do with them....Delete... Disk Cleanup....Reboot. Done!
I'm eating a ton of icecream and loving it. It makes me feel better.
Does anyone love me? Why don't you ever email me then????
Love,
Amaya
Monday, February 28, 2005
Oh No! Snow!
A pretty blanket of snow has just fallen. Making the roadways horrible. I don't mind though, I like a little excitement once in a while :)
As you're all aware of by now, the Oscars were on last night and as usual there were no surprises of who the winners were. Jamie Foxx took home best actor and ugly Hilary Skank won best Actress. I have to admit she is a good actress, but she's FUGLY! Her dress was haute.. I liked it. Although her hair could have been better. The entire night was black tie & sass. I thought everyone looked nice. Except Renee Zellwegger. Eric says that she always looks like she's drunk--too funny! I, on the other hand, I like her. Ugly or not! We all can't be Halle Berry's!
Saki, Sushi, Saki to me! Saturday night was quite an experience. Faith, Trish, Becca and I all went out for sushi and then headed over to get our gambling on. FUN TIMES FOLLOWED.
More details later!
As you're all aware of by now, the Oscars were on last night and as usual there were no surprises of who the winners were. Jamie Foxx took home best actor and ugly Hilary Skank won best Actress. I have to admit she is a good actress, but she's FUGLY! Her dress was haute.. I liked it. Although her hair could have been better. The entire night was black tie & sass. I thought everyone looked nice. Except Renee Zellwegger. Eric says that she always looks like she's drunk--too funny! I, on the other hand, I like her. Ugly or not! We all can't be Halle Berry's!
Saki, Sushi, Saki to me! Saturday night was quite an experience. Faith, Trish, Becca and I all went out for sushi and then headed over to get our gambling on. FUN TIMES FOLLOWED.
More details later!
Saturday, February 19, 2005
A Dead End
Sometimes I feel as if I have no control over my life. As you all know I seem to have a lot of bad karma. I attribute that to sleeping with a married man, knowingly. And enjoying it at that time, I might add.
Today, I'm 25, I consider myself attractive. I'm intelligent, and I try to see the best in everyone to a fault. I was taught from a young age to respect everyone! Yes, even married misleading lying cheating scummy men. My grandfather Teddy always told me that there isn't such a thing as different races. There's only race and thats the human race. We are to treat everyone the same because if we don't it would come back and smack us on the ass even harder! And being the wise old man that he is thats the one lesson that I've learned hard this week.
Having a lot of free time on my hands this past week I began to dwelve deep inside of myself and it brought a lot of things to my attention. I'm lost. I have no direction in my life. I've held on to the past for far too many years. I don't feel like I've accomplished much. I graduated from a well respected school only to become a teacher. Today I work for an art gallery doing sales! How wrong is that? I do well financially. It's the same story though--it's not fullfilling and I'm longing to be fullfilled. Thats what I've always wanted. I just want the feeling of accomplishment. Thats why I have no dirty dishes in my kitchen. Thats why you see me scrubbing every glass after someone uses it. Thats why I never have laundry to do. Because the feeling of accomplishment is so damn sweet. Thats all I want. I want to be proud of myself and I'm not.
I feel as if I've stopped growing. I don't feel as if I'm living. I shop. I spend time with my family. I'm single. I don't have sex like I should. I believe it's time for me to fix myself.
I can't live like this. I've decided that I won't. He's been doing him, now it's time I do me.
When you've done all you could but was misunderstood theres no feeling like being free. It's best I do whats best for me. I've been there I've done that and there is no looking back. My mind is made up and my heart is in the right place.
Finally I'm looking out for me.
Can I get some loving? Can I get some time?
Back to frying my brain with hollywood-style fairytales. You know the kind where everyone lives happily ever after. Such bullshit. But it fullfills me for the time being.
Today, I'm 25, I consider myself attractive. I'm intelligent, and I try to see the best in everyone to a fault. I was taught from a young age to respect everyone! Yes, even married misleading lying cheating scummy men. My grandfather Teddy always told me that there isn't such a thing as different races. There's only race and thats the human race. We are to treat everyone the same because if we don't it would come back and smack us on the ass even harder! And being the wise old man that he is thats the one lesson that I've learned hard this week.
Having a lot of free time on my hands this past week I began to dwelve deep inside of myself and it brought a lot of things to my attention. I'm lost. I have no direction in my life. I've held on to the past for far too many years. I don't feel like I've accomplished much. I graduated from a well respected school only to become a teacher. Today I work for an art gallery doing sales! How wrong is that? I do well financially. It's the same story though--it's not fullfilling and I'm longing to be fullfilled. Thats what I've always wanted. I just want the feeling of accomplishment. Thats why I have no dirty dishes in my kitchen. Thats why you see me scrubbing every glass after someone uses it. Thats why I never have laundry to do. Because the feeling of accomplishment is so damn sweet. Thats all I want. I want to be proud of myself and I'm not.
I feel as if I've stopped growing. I don't feel as if I'm living. I shop. I spend time with my family. I'm single. I don't have sex like I should. I believe it's time for me to fix myself.
I can't live like this. I've decided that I won't. He's been doing him, now it's time I do me.
When you've done all you could but was misunderstood theres no feeling like being free. It's best I do whats best for me. I've been there I've done that and there is no looking back. My mind is made up and my heart is in the right place.
Finally I'm looking out for me.
Can I get some loving? Can I get some time?
Back to frying my brain with hollywood-style fairytales. You know the kind where everyone lives happily ever after. Such bullshit. But it fullfills me for the time being.
Friday, February 18, 2005
At the Fan club's request
I am updating my journal. I apologize for not returning calls when I say I will. I apologize for being anti-social. I'm doing as much as I can considering the circumstances.
My friends basically held a gun to my head and made me get DSL, what a waste. My dial-up was just as good. I'm paying a lot more money every month for this and I don't see a huge difference! Call me crazy.
I really don't feel like sitting here and typing....blah! I'll update later.
My friends basically held a gun to my head and made me get DSL, what a waste. My dial-up was just as good. I'm paying a lot more money every month for this and I don't see a huge difference! Call me crazy.
I really don't feel like sitting here and typing....blah! I'll update later.
At the Fan club's request
I am updating my journal. I apologize for not returning calls when I say I will. I apologize for being anti-social. I'm doing as much as I can considering the circumstances.
My friends basically held a gun to my head and made me get DSL, what a waste. My dial-up was just as good. I'm paying a lot more money every month for this and I don't see a huge difference! Call me crazy.
I really don't feel like sitting here and typing....blah! I'll update later.
My friends basically held a gun to my head and made me get DSL, what a waste. My dial-up was just as good. I'm paying a lot more money every month for this and I don't see a huge difference! Call me crazy.
I really don't feel like sitting here and typing....blah! I'll update later.
Friday, January 28, 2005
Its Clearly Time to Move On
Enough said. I won't be mentioning his name anymore and their won't be anymore reference to that womanizing pig. I can't believe he's meeting up with GIRLS while here. Am I stupid? Not a phone call from him yet. A text message that says that he didn't get my message until late lastnight. He was busy. GOOD ONE. FUCKER. No matter where he is, who he's with, he's always too busy for me. I'm so done. PUKE!
Dear God
Please tell me why I even bother. Please give me the strength to realize that this guy truly is a freaking jerk! Please help me stay away from him. I don't need him in my life so please help me to stop trying to contact him!!! Please. I was once this girl with pride that would never call a guy. Where the hell is she??? He makes me weak, but you can make me strong and I'm putting all of this in YOUR hands.
Amaya
So Eric is in town with his boys and I've tried contacting him now not once, twice, four, but 6 or more times! He doesn't answer his phone and he doesn't call me back. I got the hint but everytime I think about it, it pisses me off. I want to just go to his hotel room and slap his face. FUCK. Does he know who the fuck I am? And why I bother, I don't know. I think I need a wake up call. He's not accpeting my calls nor is he responding to text messages. Am I really this desperate? For God's sake, he fucked me over. Why am I stressing and why am I begging for an invite from him to just hang out and say hi? I'm making myself upset by trying too hard. I know that he's a jerk and God forbid I should ever talk to him again. I'm going back to the hospital. Perhaps I'll make myself available tonight. NO. FUCK NO I WON"T. This guy has been a complete waste of my time and look at me, I don't think i've batted my eyelashes this much in forever!!!!! Stress! I'm giving up on men. Back to see my brother.
Amaya
So Eric is in town with his boys and I've tried contacting him now not once, twice, four, but 6 or more times! He doesn't answer his phone and he doesn't call me back. I got the hint but everytime I think about it, it pisses me off. I want to just go to his hotel room and slap his face. FUCK. Does he know who the fuck I am? And why I bother, I don't know. I think I need a wake up call. He's not accpeting my calls nor is he responding to text messages. Am I really this desperate? For God's sake, he fucked me over. Why am I stressing and why am I begging for an invite from him to just hang out and say hi? I'm making myself upset by trying too hard. I know that he's a jerk and God forbid I should ever talk to him again. I'm going back to the hospital. Perhaps I'll make myself available tonight. NO. FUCK NO I WON"T. This guy has been a complete waste of my time and look at me, I don't think i've batted my eyelashes this much in forever!!!!! Stress! I'm giving up on men. Back to see my brother.
Thursday, January 27, 2005
::**MEN**:: is there anything else?
Eric and I have been done for nearly two weeks now. Being the too kind person that I am, I contacted him via email and phone to see if he basically needed any help getting around in unfamiliar territory. Afterall he's bringing all of his boys now and yes, we know the woman loving man is bringing girls too! I swallowed my pride and called him. What the fuck is wrong with me. I've left two messages. I must be crazy. Or just a glutton for punishment. I guess it's time I just move on. With that said...
I do have more important things to vent about...starting with my brother. He went to physical therapy on Tuesday and they sent him to get a sonagram right away because of a swollen, red, warm to the touch knot on his knee. They confirmed what his therapist feared, he had a blood clot! He was admitted and by Wednesday evening the clot had moved from his knee to his thigh and this morning it was still in his abdomen which is DANGEROUS. Dr's are worried. He's on blood thinners and he can't even move. He can't shower, my mother has to give him a sponge bath and he can't get angry or excited at anything. He's in good spirits and says that everything is fine....And IT BETTER BE! This morning my dad went into surgery. My brother isn't aware though because it could make him upset....Worried even. So I have to go and stay with my brother while Mom and Becca and Haven and Jordan all rotate hospitals. This is too much shit to deal with. I think I'm taking the next shuttle to the nearest planet!!!
I've decided that it's time for a change. I'm never happy in one setting for long anyway. I'm thinking of purchasing a new house in the Great Falls area of NOVA. I'm looking at a 4 bedroom, 4 bathroom on a golf course. It's absolutely breathtaking. I've been thinking about chopping off the hair again...what do you think? Just shoulder length. Nothing TOO drastic. It would be a great length by the time summer gets here and it's time for a change. You'd think I was running for an office. I'll quit.
So Eric and the boys are in town tonight. Should be fun for them. In my email I told him some places he should go. Hopefully he'll trust me. I wouldn't lead astray.
Married Mike keeps calling my cell. He's must sense that I'm fucking vulrenable as all hell. He knows me too well. He's always had a sick six sense when it came to me. He always knew. I think it's about time I change my phone numbers. I have to sever ties and if I cut out communication it would be a good start!!!
Look at me. This entire post has been about the men! Most have betrayed me. I guess I'll just continue loving my brothers and my father. I know they'll never hurt me, only protect me.
Eric, if you read this....I have tried calling you 4 times now, even leaving messages and emails. I guess you're too busy!!! Ha ha. Point taken. So I'm writing you off right now. I don't want anymore emails about how much you love me and we could make things work....I've tried too many times. Best of luck.
Amaya
I do have more important things to vent about...starting with my brother. He went to physical therapy on Tuesday and they sent him to get a sonagram right away because of a swollen, red, warm to the touch knot on his knee. They confirmed what his therapist feared, he had a blood clot! He was admitted and by Wednesday evening the clot had moved from his knee to his thigh and this morning it was still in his abdomen which is DANGEROUS. Dr's are worried. He's on blood thinners and he can't even move. He can't shower, my mother has to give him a sponge bath and he can't get angry or excited at anything. He's in good spirits and says that everything is fine....And IT BETTER BE! This morning my dad went into surgery. My brother isn't aware though because it could make him upset....Worried even. So I have to go and stay with my brother while Mom and Becca and Haven and Jordan all rotate hospitals. This is too much shit to deal with. I think I'm taking the next shuttle to the nearest planet!!!
I've decided that it's time for a change. I'm never happy in one setting for long anyway. I'm thinking of purchasing a new house in the Great Falls area of NOVA. I'm looking at a 4 bedroom, 4 bathroom on a golf course. It's absolutely breathtaking. I've been thinking about chopping off the hair again...what do you think? Just shoulder length. Nothing TOO drastic. It would be a great length by the time summer gets here and it's time for a change. You'd think I was running for an office. I'll quit.
So Eric and the boys are in town tonight. Should be fun for them. In my email I told him some places he should go. Hopefully he'll trust me. I wouldn't lead astray.
Married Mike keeps calling my cell. He's must sense that I'm fucking vulrenable as all hell. He knows me too well. He's always had a sick six sense when it came to me. He always knew. I think it's about time I change my phone numbers. I have to sever ties and if I cut out communication it would be a good start!!!
Look at me. This entire post has been about the men! Most have betrayed me. I guess I'll just continue loving my brothers and my father. I know they'll never hurt me, only protect me.
Eric, if you read this....I have tried calling you 4 times now, even leaving messages and emails. I guess you're too busy!!! Ha ha. Point taken. So I'm writing you off right now. I don't want anymore emails about how much you love me and we could make things work....I've tried too many times. Best of luck.
Amaya
Wednesday, January 12, 2005
La La
Has anyone heard Ciara & Missy's '1,2 step'? I'm predicting that it's going to be all over the club scene. It's hot. "Goodies" was hot too. Ciara has staying power.
Songs I'm loving at the moment:
1.True by Ryan Cabera--Reminds me of SOMEONE SPECIAL :)
2.Only U by Ashanti
3.Soldier by Destiny's CHild--Issaac of course
4.My Perogative by Britney--My friends tell me it's my song after our road trip! Funny!
5.Fuck It (I don't want you back) by Eamon--Reminds me of a certain loser
6.Let Me Love You by Mario--T loves it too!
Of course Madonna is my muse, inspiration and my favorite chic of all time. In high school I was running for Vice President of my junior class and my cheerleading squad performed with me and we did a skit with 'Vogue' and re wrote the song and changed it to 'Vote! I'm going to find the lyrics that we used. Needless to say I won :) During week long try-outs and camps @ UVA during our last audition in order and it was down to cutting time, I chose to do Madonna's version of 'American Pie' at that time the movie American Pie was popular and so was Madonna's song and I thought that I symbolized American Pie!!! And yet again, I made the cut! So Madonna has always been good to me! Love her. Not to mention that American Pie is the only song I know all the lyrics to!
In other news, I didn't go into work today, however I do have a lunch meeting at noon that I will be going to, {COUGH BIG CLIENT COUGH!} All is well, Daddy should be coming home today. I spoke to him this morning and he's tired and wants to get out!! I want him home STAT!!!
I'm in the mood to paint so I'm doing some art work for Reece :)
Later :)
P.S. You should all go and listen to my music suggestions--they're awesome!!!
Songs I'm loving at the moment:
1.True by Ryan Cabera--Reminds me of SOMEONE SPECIAL :)
2.Only U by Ashanti
3.Soldier by Destiny's CHild--Issaac of course
4.My Perogative by Britney--My friends tell me it's my song after our road trip! Funny!
5.Fuck It (I don't want you back) by Eamon--Reminds me of a certain loser
6.Let Me Love You by Mario--T loves it too!
Of course Madonna is my muse, inspiration and my favorite chic of all time. In high school I was running for Vice President of my junior class and my cheerleading squad performed with me and we did a skit with 'Vogue' and re wrote the song and changed it to 'Vote! I'm going to find the lyrics that we used. Needless to say I won :) During week long try-outs and camps @ UVA during our last audition in order and it was down to cutting time, I chose to do Madonna's version of 'American Pie' at that time the movie American Pie was popular and so was Madonna's song and I thought that I symbolized American Pie!!! And yet again, I made the cut! So Madonna has always been good to me! Love her. Not to mention that American Pie is the only song I know all the lyrics to!
In other news, I didn't go into work today, however I do have a lunch meeting at noon that I will be going to, {COUGH BIG CLIENT COUGH!} All is well, Daddy should be coming home today. I spoke to him this morning and he's tired and wants to get out!! I want him home STAT!!!
I'm in the mood to paint so I'm doing some art work for Reece :)
Later :)
P.S. You should all go and listen to my music suggestions--they're awesome!!!
Monday, January 10, 2005
A Big Wake UP
My plans for the weekend which included a ski trip with my parents to celebrate Chan's 5th Birthday was turned upside down on Friday night when my father had yet another heart attack!
After spending 3 nights in the hospital so far he will likely be able to come home on Tuesday if all goes well. He has to prepare for yet another surgery. I feel so bad for the guy. It's so scary, the thought of losing my daddy. Wow. Just wow. On a brighter note, he is improving. I don't understand why this keeps happening because he's fit, he eats healthy and he's young. Too young for any of this crap.
Today, I'm going to do some work here for a while and then I'm going to the hospital to see him.
Adam broke up with Heather. And says that she's a dirty whore. He also said that no matter who he dates theres always me who he can't forget. He told me that he is still in love with me. I just told him I think he's lonely at the moment and in a few weeks he'll meet someone else who he'll fall in love with. He offered to come be with me when I called him out of desperation on Saturday night. I was so furious with Eric who had plans and couldn't comfort me after everything I was going through. I guess I just expect too much from people. If you know me at all you know I'm the person who drops everything, including their own job to help and comfort someone. Obviously, not everyone is like me. I don't know what to think. He really disappointed me. I realize that he had plans, but I needed to talk to somebody after spending the entire night and day at the hospital, but I wasn't entertaining enough with all of my tears. So I called Adam who talked to me until I fell asleep.
It will get better, I'm sure.
After spending 3 nights in the hospital so far he will likely be able to come home on Tuesday if all goes well. He has to prepare for yet another surgery. I feel so bad for the guy. It's so scary, the thought of losing my daddy. Wow. Just wow. On a brighter note, he is improving. I don't understand why this keeps happening because he's fit, he eats healthy and he's young. Too young for any of this crap.
Today, I'm going to do some work here for a while and then I'm going to the hospital to see him.
Adam broke up with Heather. And says that she's a dirty whore. He also said that no matter who he dates theres always me who he can't forget. He told me that he is still in love with me. I just told him I think he's lonely at the moment and in a few weeks he'll meet someone else who he'll fall in love with. He offered to come be with me when I called him out of desperation on Saturday night. I was so furious with Eric who had plans and couldn't comfort me after everything I was going through. I guess I just expect too much from people. If you know me at all you know I'm the person who drops everything, including their own job to help and comfort someone. Obviously, not everyone is like me. I don't know what to think. He really disappointed me. I realize that he had plans, but I needed to talk to somebody after spending the entire night and day at the hospital, but I wasn't entertaining enough with all of my tears. So I called Adam who talked to me until I fell asleep.
It will get better, I'm sure.
Monday, January 03, 2005
Another Year Over
...And a new one's has begun on a great note at that! I've made some serious new year resolutions that I've kept graciously thus far. Considering that today is only day three! I'll let you know how it goes.
A Sneak Peek:
-Excercising 5-6 times per week
-No fast food/take out atleast during the month of January
-No alcohol until my birthday
-I intend on reading atleast 1 book every 6 weeks
-Travel more--Chicago a lot ;)
I woke up @ 5 a.m. this morning and went to the gym and was that place busy. It'll settle down in another 2 weeks after everyone starts to lose their motivation. Today is Daniel's funereal. I'll be there.
My accounting class is from 5:30 until 9:00 so I'll be nice and tired tonight! I'll get plenty of sleep. Yay!
I have tons of folders on my desk, I'm assuming thats a sign for my happy butt to get to work...sooooooooooo happy to be back!
Happy New Year!
Amaya
A Sneak Peek:
-Excercising 5-6 times per week
-No fast food/take out atleast during the month of January
-No alcohol until my birthday
-I intend on reading atleast 1 book every 6 weeks
-Travel more--Chicago a lot ;)
I woke up @ 5 a.m. this morning and went to the gym and was that place busy. It'll settle down in another 2 weeks after everyone starts to lose their motivation. Today is Daniel's funereal. I'll be there.
My accounting class is from 5:30 until 9:00 so I'll be nice and tired tonight! I'll get plenty of sleep. Yay!
I have tons of folders on my desk, I'm assuming thats a sign for my happy butt to get to work...sooooooooooo happy to be back!
Happy New Year!
Amaya
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