Sometimes I feel as if I have no control over my life. As you all know I seem to have a lot of bad karma. I attribute that to sleeping with a married man, knowingly. And enjoying it at that time, I might add.
Today, I'm 25, I consider myself attractive. I'm intelligent, and I try to see the best in everyone to a fault. I was taught from a young age to respect everyone! Yes, even married misleading lying cheating scummy men. My grandfather Teddy always told me that there isn't such a thing as different races. There's only race and thats the human race. We are to treat everyone the same because if we don't it would come back and smack us on the ass even harder! And being the wise old man that he is thats the one lesson that I've learned hard this week.
Having a lot of free time on my hands this past week I began to dwelve deep inside of myself and it brought a lot of things to my attention. I'm lost. I have no direction in my life. I've held on to the past for far too many years. I don't feel like I've accomplished much. I graduated from a well respected school only to become a teacher. Today I work for an art gallery doing sales! How wrong is that? I do well financially. It's the same story though--it's not fullfilling and I'm longing to be fullfilled. Thats what I've always wanted. I just want the feeling of accomplishment. Thats why I have no dirty dishes in my kitchen. Thats why you see me scrubbing every glass after someone uses it. Thats why I never have laundry to do. Because the feeling of accomplishment is so damn sweet. Thats all I want. I want to be proud of myself and I'm not.
I feel as if I've stopped growing. I don't feel as if I'm living. I shop. I spend time with my family. I'm single. I don't have sex like I should. I believe it's time for me to fix myself.
I can't live like this. I've decided that I won't. He's been doing him, now it's time I do me.
When you've done all you could but was misunderstood theres no feeling like being free. It's best I do whats best for me. I've been there I've done that and there is no looking back. My mind is made up and my heart is in the right place.
Finally I'm looking out for me.
Can I get some loving? Can I get some time?
Back to frying my brain with hollywood-style fairytales. You know the kind where everyone lives happily ever after. Such bullshit. But it fullfills me for the time being.
