I haven't really been myself in over 3 weeks. I've been feeling really shitty lately about myself and my karma hasn't really been good to me. It all came to a head on Wednesday. And part of me is glad that now I have closure. "It's" over and done. I must say I did finally attempt to be a friend. I put effort forth, can you believe that?! As crazy as that is, it's true!!!
He made me feel like shit. And a lot of what he said made sense to me and that is why I have been feeling so down. A lot of my friends have noticed and have even told me that I need to just get laid to release all of the pent up anger. It's not like the oppourtunities aren't there, it's just I know that being a whore is not the way to make oneself feel better. I don't need more to regret in the morning, ya know.
My friends have been so good to me. Brandy & Davy sent me flowers just to make me smile. Becca gave me a massage. T, who is always there for me lended an ear and allowed me to just bitch and cry uncontrollably while he was working!!! Trish picked up my dry cleaning, Haven spent the night with me and slept with me in my bed and comforted me, Grandma made a peanut butter pie and drizzled "Amaya" on top the whip cream in chocolate syrup, it got so bad that Kenny even said "If this is the new Amaya--It's unattractive and I don't like it!" I called him sensetive since he couldn't deal with my hard side. It's just not me. I'm the sweetest of the sweet, right?!
So Wednesday after I said what I had to say and so did he, I told him to fuck himself. I felt so much better. Its what I needed. I didn't want to go home so I kept driving. I drove to the so beautiful Shenandoah National Park, Skyland drive and I sat at the Stony Man Overlook and just kept crying and crying and breathing and reminding myself of what my Mother has always told me, everything happens for a reason. As the sun was setting I told myself that the day is over and it has been a horrible one, but tommorrow is a new day and I have a chance to make it a better one. As the sun went down so did all of the memories and dreams and things that went undone. I deleted all the numbers that I had for him, his mothers numbers, his office...It all went down with the sun on Wednesday. I knew it was what was best for us. This was killing the both of us. The atmosphere was so beautiful. The leaves are turning colors from a dull green to a bright red, orange and gold and it gave me hope because now the leaves will change and so will I. I won't be dwelling on what could have been anymore. And just like the leaves my future is looking brighter and colorful. As I took my time driving from the Park, I saw a bear crossing the road with a doe and her fawn and I thought if a bear can live in the same mtn with two of the most innocent of creatures than I can too. (Don't try to read into that too much) After blasting Jeff Buckley's "Hallejuah" and crying to "I've been here before, I've seen this room and I've walked this floor. I used to live alone before I knew ya and I've seen your flag on the marble arch and love is not a victory march, It's a cold and it's a broken Hallejuah". I cried until I came to the nearest department store where I bought a purse for next to nothing and and bought Britney Spears Fantasy purfume...it made me feel better. The song has always helped me get over a lot of shit in my past even moving from school into the real world....
Wednesday was good for me.
