Fucking cold my nipples are going to fall off! 20 degrees? Sheesh! Like the soldier that I am I'm going to run to the gym, work-out and then run home in fucking 20 degrees!!! I think I'm still trying to talk myself into this...Crazy? Probably. Lately though I can do anything! I should mention that since the new year I've lost 4lbs. I probably lost more but friday night I had about 32 too many!!!
A lot of people has been asking how I'm feeling, how I'm doing, they've noticed a lot of subtle changes. The truth is 2006 was easily one of the hardest years for me. I have a lot of anxiety sourrounding my father's health. If you know me at all you know that he's my everything. He's my rock & my glue. We were told last spring by his doctors that he wouldn't make it through the year. We've proven them wrong, yet again. He and my mother dropped everything to come be with me so I can help take care of him and I decided that I was going to spend every waking moment with him and I wasn't going to miss a thing. It wasn't as easy as I thought it would be. Infact being around him and seeing him weak took it's toll. I lost my spirit, my soul in the the process. It's mentally and emotionally draining. It's waking up in the middle of the night checking to make sure he's breathing, it's scheduling appointments and taking him to the doctor and the doctor asks why are we here, I look around dumbfounded and told him we need a check-up only to find out he had one three weeks prior. It's making the doctors perform EKG's to prove to me that everything is working. It's being the Rx nazi. Only I'm the one that can give him his meds and if anyone messes with his chart that I have in the guest room be prepared for war! I found myself doing almost crazy things...offering to give him foot rubs because in fifth grade Laura Ramsey told me that you die from your feet up so I had to make sure he was still living! It's actually a lot worse than that but to save myself from any further embarassment I'll keep those neurotic behaviors to myself.
While dealing with my father's health and well being I met a very handsome, successfull businessman from Nova, Carlos. A recent divorcee with a beautiful daughter who ruled his world. She was the type of girl you can find on the cover of Teen Vogue. Her beauty so real an natural I'd almost find myself envious because to her, beauty came naturally. Me, I had to buy mine @ sephora! He was everything I needed to take my mind off of my life at home. He was rough around the edges, smooth with the ladies and always a gentleman. He made me happy for a short while. You all have heard me talk about him in passing often referring to him as my spanish lover...It quickly ended before it really began. It wasn't to be. He was always brave, courageous and benevolent. I don't trust people but...I trusted him because he defined what a man was supposed to be. We had issues from the start...He always felt that I was with Kenny when Kenny is and was in NYC. Kenny is one of my best friends. He knows me well and I can trust Kenny with my life, Because I always talked about Kenny this made him uncomfortable....perhaps he didn't trust me? Who knows???
Nevertheless my social life went out like a light. I stayed home with my family became even more of a hermit until one day my mother brought it to my attention that I was really sad, I had gained weight and I needed to do my roots!! Just as my mother would say it to0! No sugar coating from her! Her words became ammo. I went back to seeing my therapist, we decided that I would try Lexapro. I've been taking them since 2007 began and I see a lot of improvements already. Such as ~ going out with my friends, ~ going on a casual date here and there, ~ being more physically active. The downside to this medicine is that I've lost my sex drive. Yep...I only masturbate perhaps 3x's a week...a shame really. Good news is I have faith that I'm going to work through my depression and pick up where I left off. My parents are back home in Mclean and mom is back to work. I'm back in class and meeting new people everyday. I guess had it not been for those lousy doctors who told us to start planning my father's funereal this would have never happened. But I'm glad it did.
My friends from LA and I are going to be hanging out this weekend and catching up. I'm really looking forward to it. I'll update on Monday :)
Have a fun weekend!
Amaya
