Needs Improvement

Fact: I am horrible at math.

I'm sure I mentioned it before how in college my freshmen year I got 17% on a math midterm and my teacher wrote “good improvement” on my exam, because it was.

I was always told that if I tried harder, studied longer, asked more questions, that I would improve. So I tried. I sat in the front row, never missed a class, had tutors and a calculator so complex I’m sure I could have used it to beam aboard the Endeavour spacecraft.

And I still failed.

Because I’m just not the girl who can do long division in her head without looking like she’s in physical pain.

I’m also not the girl who remembers to pick up her dry cleaning on time. I’m not the girl who can eat spaghetti without spilling it, nor am I the girl who can build a bookcase without have at least 7 leftover parts. I’m not the girl who can cook lobster to perfection, hit a baseball out of the park or sew anything more complicated than a straight line.

I’m not a girl who is able to quit a job without feeling like she failed. I’m not a girl who is able to bite her tongue when she’s mad, remember an umbrella when it looks like rain or can stop from crying at a wedding.

No matter how hard I tried to become her, the girl I’m not is the girl I will never be. And I’m okay with that. Because sometimes knowing what you can’t do- what you will never do, what you don’t want to do, allows you to appreciate everything you can do, and everything you are. Because what I see now is when I add up all the things I’m not, they will never measure who I am.

I’m still bad at math, the only difference is that I can now fully appreciate how excellent I am at so much else. I may not be able to do long division in my head but I can give a goodbye toast that will knock your socks off. I can’t multiply by 13 in rapid fire, but I can ride a horse, write a play, make the best chicken tetrazzini you will ever have. I can’t recite pi to 14 places (only 12, and this was learned only out of boredom) but I can spend an entire day with 20 kids who all want to be pirates and not kill myself, in fact- I will enjoy myself.

I’m not a girl who can apply the mathematical “FOIL” rule as quickly as others, but I can drive a muscle car in tall girl shoes.

And that seems like a good improvement.

Ho's

Dear Everyone who is planning on dressing up for Halloween this year,

Let me preface this by saying I love Halloween. I do. But the idea of searching for the perfect costume leaves me feeling drunk with happiness.

The last couple of years I’ve been a Pamela Anderson sans Kid Rock, Marie Antoinette, Pink, and one year I was Ashley Olsen while Haven was Mary-Kate.

I take Halloween seriously. So it’s with much love and respect that I come to you all with this plea: Can we all bypass going out this year dressed in our bras and calling it a costume? My heart sinks when I enter a room and find myself surrounded by groups of girls dressed in nothing more than a bra and panties, with the truly ‘creative’ girls adding wings. Adding wings when you are 97% naked doesn’t turn your outfit into something. Really. I promise. It just makes you the girl in your bra wearing wings.

Don’t get me wrong, I understand that Halloween is about expression. It’s about taking chances, finding something that sets you apart, taking a risk. And for some of you, maybe ‘taking a risk’ implies leaving your pants at home (and for some of you sadly, it does not). But I want you to know, that when it’s your third Halloween wearing the plastic bra and fishnets, you are no longer taking a risk. If you truly believe that Halloween is about expression, take a real risk and put more clothes on. Be something (or someone) unexpected. Because going out dressed like a member of *”ho train” doesn’t show me that you’ve put any thought into your costume. In fact, it just makes me think that your house burnt down, you have no friends to lend you clothes and you’ve showed up almost naked hoping someone will give you a shirt to put on.

And if I run into you while you stand there in your push up bra and and fishnets and ask you what you are (because I will do that- seeing the panic in your eyes and you try to think of what to call yourself is one of my Halloween highlights), at least have something prepared- calling yourself a whore in a roomful of similarly dressed girls isn’t original. Call yourself a Frederick’s of Hollywood catalogue girl. Then you will at least have admiration, but not my respect.
I save that for the group of girls who dress up like garden peas with bruised eyes and call themselves “The Black-Eyed Peas”.

I told you I take Halloween seriously.

A spirited plea,

Amaya

1. I’ve come to realize that my chest-size. . . is a perfect size.
2. I’ve come to realize that my job. . . can be all consuming if I let it. (The 38 unanswered emails in my inbox are my proof).
3. I’ve come to realize that when I’m driving alone. . . I sound a little less off tune and a lot more like Pink! Haha!
4. I’ve come to realize that I need. . . a new winter coat in snow white.
5. I’ve come to realize that I have lost. . . the urge to “look cool” in the winter and wear hip, thin coats. I do not care if I look like a marshmallow or the Michelin Man, or the Michelin Man after he ate the worlds biggest marshmallow, vanity is out the window for the next few months. I shall not be satisfied until I feel as though the inferno of Hell is wrapped around me. (Seriously though, coat suggestions?)
6. I’ve come to realize that I hate it when. . . I fall out of the loop with friends.
7. I’ve come to realize that if I’m drunk. . . a) I’m going to want you to be drunk with me- no matter the cost, b) tequila shots must be consumed c) I will want to listen to “Pony” on repeat and d) if you aren’t at the party? I’m going to want to call you. To tell you that I love you, that I drank tequila and that you should listen to me sing all the words of “Pony”
8. I’ve come to realize that money. . . isn’t so darn stressful when you’re receiving a regular paycheck. .
9. I’ve come to realize that certain people. . . will disappoint you for being exactly the person you thought they were.
10. I’ve come to realize that I’ll always. . . Be a daddy’s girl. Will never forget him and will always miss him.
11. I’ve come to realize that my sibling(s). . . A) are some of the greatest people I know. B) Are horrible gift givers.
12. I’ve come to realize that my mommy…..Is one of the strongest women I know. She’s also the smartest.
13. I’ve come to realize that cell phones. . . are essential. The end.
14. I’ve come to realize that when I woke up this morning. . . I was excited to go to work. I also realized how lucky that makes me.
15. I’ve come to realize that last night before I went to sleep. . . I should have spent more time taking off my mascara. This morning I looked like Courtney Love on a bender!
16. I’ve come to realize that right now I am thinking. . . I wish it were snowing here.
17. I’ve come to realize that my daddy…was the greatest gift ever given to me. He is still with me. He’s the perfect man. I want one just like him.
18. I’ve come to realize that when I get on Facebook. . . I turn into a stage 5 stalker who gets inappropriately angry when she can’t see the photos of people she’s not friends with!
19. I’ve come to realize that today. . . was better than yesterday. I’m feeling healthier.
20. I’ve come to realize that tonight. . . I shouldn’t have been so hard on Haven.
21. I’ve come to realize that tomorrow. . . is my half day! Hooray! This means I teach only in the mornings, get paid for only being in the mornings but end up staying there all day to get all my work done! Hooray! On the plus side, at least when I’m beating the hell out of the photocopier and cursing it’s stubborn, electronic existence, I can do it without worrying about being late for class.
22. I’ve come to realize that I really want to. . . do something different with my hair, buy a new dining room table, and complete daddy’s shrine.
23. I’ve come to realize that some people… will always know how to make me swoon!
24. I’ve come to realize that life. . . (I hate this question so I’m not answering it. Seriously, I can answer all these other ones but this one reminds me of Forrest Gump.
25. I’ve come to realize that this weekend. . . is going to be nine thousand different shades of awesome! J/k! It’s one of my best buds birthdays and she’s rented a skating ring, complete with bartender. It’s an 8o’s retro theme. I’m sure the girls will get ridiculusy drunk.
26. I’ve realized the best music to listen to when I am upset. . . The Little Mermaid soundtrack. I dare you not crack a smile singing Sebastian’s part in “Kiss the Girl”.
27. I’ve come to realize that my friends. . . are awesome. Further proof needed? See # 25
28. I’ve come to realize that this year. . . has been one for the record books.
29. I’ve come to realize that my ex(s). . . and the memories of the things they did will forever make me giggle.
30. I’ve come to realize that maybe I should. . . share some of the ex stories, but I’m always afraid people might be reading this…
31. I’ve come to realize that I love. . . Good people with good hearts.
32. I’ve come to realize that I don’t understand. . .Rush Limbaugh.
33. I’ve come to realize my past. . . explains so much of my present.
34. I’ve come to realize that parties. . . are better when costumed. Or there’s tequila. OR THERE’S TEQUILA AND COSTUMES.
35. I’ve come to realize that I’m totally terrified. . . of a middle aged stalker who is threatened by me because her boyfriend told her he wanted me. The psychosis doesn’t allow her to understand that don’t want him.
36. I’ve come to realize that my life. . . is far too amazing and complex to answer in one sentence. (hello perfect cop-out answer, nice to meet you. I’m your lazy friend Amaya)

This teacher needs help too

Reading aloud to children is one of my most favorite things about being a teacher.

I love how children get excited about listening to stories and learning how to read.

It wasn't until I actually began to teach, that I would realize that the students would be the ones
who would help me learn how to teach.

I now know that now matter what age they may be, they are going to be excited to sit in a reading corner.

I now know that no matter how many times you say pretzel legs or crisscross applesauce- someone in the front row will sit on her knees.

I now know that now matter how slowly you show the pictures there is always one student who will shout out, "I can't see!"I know now that expression is the key to attention.

I now know that when you stop to ask a question, you never know if you are going to get an answer or "Hey, Ms. W., I like your bracelet!"

I now know that if a bee flies in or an ant crawls by, I will have to stop reading an carefully try to help the insect exit the room. I ALSO know that if I DON'T do this there is no possible way that reading will resume until the little guest has been carried outside to safety by all twenty children.

I have been working so hard to finish setting up my room, but unfortunately there is one BIG thing missing...BOOKS! There are obviously many books to be borrowed around the school, but I am missing my own classroom library. My personal collection, simply is not enough. If by any small chance you or someone you know would like to donate used books to my classroom I know that the children would really really appreciate it.

Please email me if you would like to donate a book or two to help build our classroom library.

amayawarner@hotmail.com

A teacher has many pets!

This was hand delievered to me this morning after being out for a couple of days. I was told that the author of this nice letter allegedly called someone a fatty, threw rocks at another student's head, and took someone's shoes and threw them down the twisty slide. I said that I'm going to need proof ;-) Who could write such a sweet note and do those cruel things. Notice the V instead of W? I have my work cut out for me!!!

The Point of you is?

Setting: Friday afternoon. My classroom.

Walter*Teacha, you know what?

Me: What?

Walter: You know what the point of you is?

Me: Hmm… to make sure that you know how to read

Walter: No. To be holding my ice cream so I can get my coat on for recess.

Though I like to think that there is more of a point (or just more points?) to my life than to be an ice cream holder so a small child with poor motor skills can do up his coat, his statement charmed me – and has made me proud of the excellent way I hold his ice cream every-freaking-day.

What is the point of you?

(*And seriously, that’s how he says ‘teacher’. Teacha. He’s so damn cute he makes those Anne Geddes pictures look ugly.)

Amaya's Rules

1. Flowers will never fix everything (Unless they are my favorite flower- Stephanotis and then let’s face it, they can fix everything).


2. When you are wrong, admit it. When you are sorry, say it. When you are in love, declare it.

3. Sometimes it just won’t go your way. And in those moments, it’s perfectly acceptable to stay in your pajamas, eat a lot of cheesecake and watch Regis and Kelly (and secretly hate Kelly for being utterly perfect so early in the morning. Her arms! That hair! The wardrobe!). You get to do this for up to a week. And then you must start showering again.

4. Love isn’t always easy but it shouldn’t always be hard.

5. Unless you’ve recently underwent major eye surgery, it’s impossible for you to wear sunglasses indoors or at night without looking like a major douche.


6. When in doubt, bring wine to the party. Unless you want to be absolutely adored forever and in THAT case, bring German chocolate cake (and wine, obviously). Trust.

7. The ref won’t be able to hear you, but yelling at the television will always make you feel better. (On this note can I just say, hello football season- you have been missed).

8. Never say “no” because you are scared. Say it for a million other reasons, but never say it because you are scared of what happens if you say “yes”.

9. Condoms cost less than babies. Word.

10. People will always remember how you made them feel. So make them feel good.

I believe.

I don’t do maxi dresses (I’m too short) and I’m not really in love with granola (blame the granola binge of ‘06), but the way I talk to my class sometimes, I’m sure I’m labeled the ‘hippie teacher’. We talk about feelings and goals and quotes that inspire us. We talk about why we are learning and how we are learning it and what we can do with the knowledge we are gaining. We sometimes talk about how what we learn in school just isn’t for school, it’s for life- that every piece of information we gather is to help us create a foundation we can stand on later in life. And sometimes we just talk about how hilarious Calvin and Hobbes is.



So it came as no surprise the other day when a conversation about rights and responsibilities trickled down and twisted it’s way into a conversation about what we believe in. With ten minutes left before the bell, the kids took out paper and wrote down anything and everything they believed in 100%. It could be silly or serious or funny. It could be about religion or school or family or friends or Calvin and Hobbes (there’s a C & H fanatic in my class and he cracks me up on the regular. I’m thinking of a good alias name that suits him because his original name is so* far out).

One of the best things about being a teacher (besides July and August- actually, I don’t really believe that but I know a lot of non-teachers always make that comment in their head so I thought I’d beat them to the punch, hoo ha!) is that you get to read all the thoughts of your students. Seriously, if you have an open class, it’s like reading the diary of 15 inspired minds. Sure, sometimes you read pages of stuff like this: “I whent too the stor nd ete a peese ov chaklet cacke whith mi mom” and you brain feels like it’s on acid and you just want to insert a Jack Daniels iv after dechipering it, but a lot of the time, most of the time, you discover that if you let kids be brilliant, they are.


I was thinking about this as I was skimming through what they wrote, giggling as someone told me that they believe “Comic books are as good as regular books, maybe even better because regular books even the little baby ones don’t have as many pictures as comic books do”, when I stopped and read what one of my favorite students, Abby, had written. It was only one sentence but it made me smile. She wrote:

I BELIEVE IN GREAT BIG THINGS

Abby is not the loudest kid in my class (that’s the C & H fanatic), nor is she the most academically gifted but she’s the one student in my class who is always working. Always. Like, if a circus was right outside our window and Hannah Montana was putting on a free show and handing out chocolate bars, Abby would be just as excited as the other kids but she would keep working. So I knew that this answer, these six words weren’t a cop out, a quick way to complete the task at hand, these words were what she was feeling. Although her answer might not have been as specific as her classmates, nor as long- I do know she labored on it, and her response made me so excited for this school year and all the great big things that are ahead of us.

And if that makes me sound like the hippie teacher, I’m okay with that. No, I’m excited to be that.

What inspires you? What do you believe in?

Highlight of the Day

I brought in a framed picture I have of the Mona Lisa. It looks impressive, the frame is gorgeous- I saved it from it’s resting spot above the mens urinal in the Art Gallery I used to work at. Anyway, I brought it in to the grade 3 room when we started art and we talked about it and then asked the class if they had any questions. One of my favorite students raised his hand and asked if I had actually painted The Mona Lisa! Needless to say, any student who thinks I am capable of painting the Mona Lisa will get an automatic A. And a unicorn.

Amaya School of Cool

I've been very busy and I've recieved a few emails asking if I had died. So I thought I'd write to let you know that I am infact alive! even if I’ve spent every waking moment of the last two weeks in school and there’s a chance that an email discussing only school events is going to be as entertaining as reading the ingredients on a bottle of shampoo.

Everyday there’s roughly one thousand things I learn and my brain routinely runs out of room for everything I should know or remember. So I’ve become a post-it queen and have turned to drinking heavily while on recess supervision. (One of those confessions is false, I trust you are wise enough to establish which one).

I’ve taken to calling my classroom “The Cave”. It’s at the farthest end of the school, down the longest hallway and is the last classroom. Walking to and from my classroom from the photocopier room has become my new cardio work out. A grade 6 teacher has actually approached me and wants me to wear a pedometer because he sees me in the halls so much he’s convinced I’m walking a marathon everyday. Plus, I’m doing it in heels. In short, I’m going to have killer legs by the time this year is over. (See how I’m glass half-fulling this situation? Progress people, progress).

One of my favourite blocks is the block right before lunch when I read Judy Blume to the class. Students can choose to read their own book (and other than the 9 year old who is reading Twilight- book approved by her mom), everyone hangs on every word I say. Looking up and seeing the whole class laughing hysterically over Judy Blume is always a highlight of my day.

The teacher in the classroom next to me is the coolest women alive. Mrs. S is mid 40’s and is the kind of chick who you can imagine shaving her hair off her head and still looking amazing. I made a joke about how I’m going to have to step up my clothing choices with her beside me and she’s taken it as a personal challenge. Each morning she comes in and struts around my desks showing off her outfit. And every single day it’s been impressive. Perfect hair, thoughtfully coordinated accessories, painstakingly applied lipgloss. So not only will I have killer legs this year, I will start going to work on not looking homeless. Mostly out of shame and partly out of my competitive spirit. Either way, win.

There is a boy in grade 3- Ryan, who farts. A lot. And naturally, when he does his classmates expect him to say something acknowledging it- but he refuses. Things came to a boiling point last Thursday when his classmates complained that Ryan had once again farted and wouldn’t say ‘excuse me’. Before I could say anything, I looked at Ryan (a chubby boy with spiky hair), with crossed arms who looked at me and said “They have no proof. Smell my butt, there’s no farts there”. Of course, it sounds funny now, but I assure you- NO ONE laughs in class when this happens. I’m not sure why, maybe because his classmates are so offended or Ryan is so adamant that they can’t pin the fart on him. And because everyone takes it so seriously- I, of course, find it hilarious. So I’m the one person in a room with 20 kids who is trying not to laugh when the class discussion is centered around farting. I am a model of maturity.

My principal has heard me calling the photocopier machine a piece of shit. More than once. But in my defense? I was after school, it was JAMMED AGAIN and it IS A PIECE OF SHIT. (I already have fantasies of taking it out back and showing it who is boss- much like the fax machine incident in Office Space).

Anyway, that’s a snippet of school life. Things have definitely calmed down since school has started and I’m working on finding a balance that includes proper time for showering, sleeping and you know, catching up on all your wonderful lives. I've been neglecting all of my friends, but I will catch up, eventually!!! I hope you are all having a wonderful Monday!

Today has been good. School is so much fun. I'm actually happy to be doing something rewarding. Daddy is proud of me, I know it :)

Lots of love!

A

I'm being stalked!!!

Due to an alarming amount of stalking by a certain woman in Vienna who uses the Cox network, I am changing my blog address. I will send out a mass email to my fanclub letting you guys know my new address.

Lots of Love and Less Stalking

Dear Daddy

Today has been easier than most. I can't believe it's been 25 days since we last spoke. We've never gone this long! I miss your hugs. I miss your good morning kisses. I miss you!

You're not going to believe this, but I got a job! An honest to goodness teaching job. This year.
In a school. Where I will go to the same classroom everyday and teach grade three students about reading and writing and how to not write run on sentences like this one.

I have a job daddy! I've been working on seating charts and I've met with most of my upcoming students. I've had to attend several confrences and meetings which I detest with every particle of my being.

Mommy still asks that I sleep with her. It's hard to say no to her. This has been very hard for all of us, especially her. She lost her best friend, lover, father of her children. She didn't think she'd be a widow at such a young age. She thinks she didn't tell you she loved you enough--I know, she's crazy.

Mommy wants to start putting your stuff away next week. I think it will be therapy for her. I told her we would make it a big family project at the family home. I think that will be easier on all of us. I'm not ready to put your things away at my house. Infact, the thought of never seeing your shoes, or smelling your shirts, or seeing your gray hair on your pillow will be awful for me. I'm not ready for that. I can't give you up just yet. Not yet. You will tell me when. I find myself getting angry a lot daddy. I get mad because you fought so hard to live and then there are jerks who smoke crack, drink like fish who tend to live on forever. It's not fair. I have been asking God Why. I guess I shouldn't?

Haven has been coming around a lot. She told me that she is having a horrible time because she kept herself away from us, devoting herself to her boys and her work. You've always been a family first guy, so I know you understood. Perhaps you can offer Haven that comfort by letting her know that to ease her pain? She actually told me that what I have done for you has made her jealous. I was with you up to your last seconds of life. I'm a lucky girl! It was such an honor to help you. As weird as this may sound, I'm going to miss taking you to your appointments. As much as I hated them, I'm missing them. Dr. Bergin has called several times to check in on me. He says that Mommy will be okay in time. He told me that he knew my bond with you would never be broken, not even in death! Daddy, everyone knew how much I love you! Even strangers! You loved everyone. I got a letter from Gwyn on Weds. She, who was our banker, even said that your witty banter and humbleness will be missed. Crazy huh?

I love you. Dinner with mom now.


A

My fellow Blackberry users:


Expect multiple messages from me today discussing how my day is being wasted by listening to strangers tell me that I shouldn’t tell parents to ‘fuck off’ if I’m angry at them and I should also not participate in wet t-shirt contests in my spare time. Even if I know I could win. (Because let’s face it, I would). I will try to keep the swearing down to a minimum. Ditto excessive exclamation marks (which will be the only way I feel I can clearly illustrate my rage).

Sorry in advance,
Maya

So there

Ok, so life has changed. A lot! I'm not happy with it, but I have to somehow pick up the pieces. I've been stuck in the deepest, darkest hole for days. I haven't slept well because my mind is focused on my daddy.

My family and I have lost something that will never be replaced. It's been absolutely devastating. Most of my friends have been wonderful. Most have even respected my wishes. Others have been distant and unapologetic for their own selfish reasons. It's really sad to say, but it really leaves a lasting taste. There is no excuse for their behavior. Unfortunately it has changed me. I'm always going to remember their actions or lack their of. I'm going to do what daddy would do -- he would never judge them, he would pray for them.

I'm not going to waste anymore energy on wondering why. I'm going to focus on Daddy's causes and his legacy. I'm a proud daughter.

In other news, we recieved a card from 'Monica' who was there when Mommy had to stop CPR at 10:25, who helped us throughout the entire process. She touched on how close my entire family was, how odd it is to see that these days. She was inspired by our bond and how our extended family and friends trickled in as they heard the news. She picked up the phone and called her own parents in AZ and told them how much she loved them. Just another person that my sweet daddy touched.

I spent most of my adult life taking care of daddy. I even have questions as to if I did enough. I basically moved them in to my house 2 hours away from our home in McLean. I just ask that you spend time with your parents, let them know how much you love them because this has been the worst pain I've ever experienced. AML was a walk in the park. I've lost a brother--that was hard. Losing my daddy has been a nightmare. I did everything I could for daddy. I wouldn't want anyone else to ever experience this pain with doubts.

It's raining, it's foggy. It's ugly out. I hope my day goes better.

My world has turned upside down

With daddy's passing, the world has been turned upside down. Today has been bad. I miss him more and more each day. I can't believe it's been 17 days since I've seen him. I keep thinking that I will wake up from this and I will see him soon. Only this is real.

I came home to my house alone tonight. It was the scariest, loneliest feeling in the world. I miss him sooo much. Everywhere I go, people are still apologizing.

T--I'm sorry about the flowers from you and Chris. I don't want any reminders of his death. I know you meant well, but I can't handle flowers. That was a very nice gesture.

Dirty Dancing is on right now and it's nice to see a young, healthy, sexy, Patrick Swayze.

Mommy had another bad day, with many more to come.

My relationship with God has grown stronger. He knows how much I miss my daddy.


I'm sick of crying. To bed I go.

A New Day

So I went to daddy yesterday, I watched the sunset there and I just told him about my day. I went to bed feeling scared and alone. This morning I woke up upset because he isn't here and I said to myself that this is real, not a dream.

Does anyone know how to preserve the smell on clothes? Any secrets or suggestions?

Mommy is cleaning my house! Normally it's me doing all the work. I guess it helps her feel better. Whatever works. It's better than seeing her just crying. Yesterday was awful for all of us. She told her sister that it hit her like a ton of bricks that he's gone and he's not coming back. I'm actually going to talk to a medical professional. Im an emotional roller coaster. I was told i'm still in denial by someone who knows firsthand what i'm dealing with.

Daddy's death has brought me closer to God. I know I can count on God to get me through this. One day I will see him again. I just have to realize that daddy was ready, he was tired, and when he told me in the hospital bed before he passed that he wanted to go home, he meant home to eternity. He fought a good fight for 18 years. I enjoyed everyday, every minute I spent with him. He's the only man I ever trusted. He was the man that held me tight when I was scared. He helped me through so many things. Now I turn to him and ask what would daddy do?

I'm going to make today a good day. I'm tired of crying all of the time.

Its been 13 days

It's been 13 days since I last held his hand. It's been 13 days since I last saw his beautiful face with life. It's been 13 days since I saw that smile that lit up a room. It's been 13 days of torture.

My life has been turned upside down. I miss him so much. I still look for him and I imagine him with me everywhere I go. I'm assuming these are coping mechanisms.

I always knew he was sick and as much as the doctors tried to 'prepare' us for this, you never get prepared for death. It's the loneliest, most awful feeling in the world. I have always been a daddy's girl so a part of me went on with him when he passed.

My sisters and brothers all have children, significant others. I chose to take care of daddy and subconciously I put my life on hold. I lived and breathed with my daddy. So when my family tells me I have to get it together, I can't! I am a daddy's girl who was hooked at his hip.

My mother refuses to throw away the flowers. The smell breaks my heart even more each time I smell that awful scent. I've never liked the smell of flowers anyway.

I am sitting across from daddy's chaise. I imagine him sitting there and drinking his coffee. I imagine him smiling at me without being in pain.

I really had a lot of great times with him. I miss his singing. I miss his wink*. Life has been horrible lately. I have put all of my faith in God who will get me thru this.

Please keep us in your prayers. This has been the worst experience of my life. But God only gives me as much as I can handle.

Daddy

Daddy died on Monday August 10, 2009 at 9:03 am. He was very sick when he passed. Today is his birthday. It has been the hardest thing to date to endure. Its been bad.

Today, it's his birthday. Happy Birthday daddy. I love him sooo much.

Family

Most of you have already heard from me and have heard about what went down lastnight. We didn't end up going to the Chris Issac concert because Haven got bent out of shape. I adore my sister and I adore my family. It's has always been family first.

Today has been ugly. It has been downright nasty. I'm always having a crisis of some sort with my family. Mostly because we see too much of each other. This one is different because there is an innocent person involved.

I understand and I have a lot of empathy for Haven and her postpartum. I would do anything for her at any cost. Lastnight wasn't cool with me.

I'm not mad at Haven. I'm mad because I allowed this to happen. I'm afraid there is no fixing anything at this point. I dont blame my family. Only, I'm the one to blame. I allowed all of this to happen. I know there is no undoing what was done now.

I can live without my family. I just hope I can live with myself.

There is only one way to fix it and I'm going to do it as soon as the dust settles. In the meantime I'm going on hiatus for a while and most of you won't be hearing from me for a while. Cross your fingers.

I'm off to my grandparents tonight to help them, my house will be empty when I get back. I'm happy that way.

**Daddy is doing ok**