I’m sad.
The beauty behind this, is that I knew it was coming. I could feel it- the same way you feel autumn on a really hot August day. A breeze wanders through your hair and you smell fall, you smell change. And you promise yourself that you are going to capture every last ray of summer because you know colder weather is coming and you want to put it off for as long as possible. You attempt to hold onto something that you can’t keep. Yes, it’s exactly like that.
When I say I’m sad, I don’t mean I feel like crying. Crying implies effort, and that is something I can’t afford to waste on tears. And there’s no reason. Or there’s too many- the post holiday slump leaves me feeling nostalgic for days I won’t see again for a long time, the sun is hardly out, I miss people I don’t see, I’ve got 5 hours of sleep in the last two days, I am about to mark an anniversary no one should ever mark. And of course, there’s the knowledge that such sweeping feelings of melancholy run in my family. For some reason, knowing that it runs in my family makes me feel like I have a free pass to a club no one wants to join.
Today everything seems like too much effort. Showering, dressing, brushing my hair. I want to lay down in blankets and nap. I don’t want to answer the phone, the door or an email. I want to sleep until I feel better, until I feel different- but if I’m not awake- how will I know anything has changed?
I know this will pass. I will go out into the grey afternoon and blaze a trail running through the woods until I reach the lake until I’m out of breath. I will do this because I know that exercise will make me feel better. I will come inside and make plans with friends who know how to make me laugh and when to let me cry. I will call them because I know that talking to others will make me feel better. I will return home, have a hot shower and lay freshly scrubbed in dryer-warmed pajamas. I will make this effort because I know it will make me feel better. I will close my eyes and search for sleep. Pray for sleep. Because I know sleep will make me feel better.
And I will wake up tommorrow and hope that I will feel better.
