I’ve appointed myself an expert on all things summer. Why? Because I feel like appointing myself something and I have a lot of opinions today.
- if I can see your vagina, your shorts are too short. For real.
- Sunscreen- wear it. If I look at you and can’t help but wince in sympathy pains- I can’t imagine how you must be feeling. Even the prettiest summer dress, or most fantastic personality can’t distract someone from a lobster burn. Repeat after me, “baby oil is not my friend”.
- Perhaps skip the long sleeved silk shirt. Silk showcases sweat stains the same way Britney showcases neurosis. And even if your are wearing the most amazing outfit, if you have sweat stains the size of footballs under each arm, I’m going to be distracted.
- If you believe in one thing this summer, believe in the magic of patios. And beers. And beers on patios. Nothing will make you happier.
- If flip flops were husbands, I’d been Elizabeth Taylor. I do believe in keeping ones that you love year after year, but if a pair of flip flops cost less than the cost of a beer splurging on a new pair that are new, clean and bright is a good idea.
- Speaking of flip flops, let’s talk feet. Make them presentable. I mean, let’s face facts. For the majority of the world, feet are not the prettiest things. But you can definitely make sure they don’t make other people scream in horror and run away when showing them off in your new flip flops. Scrub, polish, lotion. Perhaps splurge on a pedicure. But for the love of all good things, if I see another person running around in Juicy Couture flip flops with feet so dry you could rub them together and start a fire- I’m not going to be okay. AT ALL.
- Deodorant is no longer optional for the small minority who thinks it is during the fall, winter and spring months. (Also known as people who always find me in crowded public places and stand far too close to me spouting communist views).
I’m putting my laptop away and heading out to a patio with friends. Because the only thing better than a patio and a beer on a Friday night, is a patio and a beer on a Monday afternoon. Man I love long weekends.
What’s your piece of advice for everyone this summer?
