I couldn't sleep last night at all. I was hysterical all night. I stay up to watch daddy sleep. I check his pulse around the clock. I'm scared to death of the unknown. He's deteriorated so much within the last few months. He is weaker, yet He's so strong.
I keep trying to prepare myself mentally and I can't even imagine one day without his smile, his wink that he's been giving me since I was a little girl. I remember at the dinner table as a child asking him why he always winks at me, he said because he loves me! Til this day it's the only thing that makes me feel better when he's not feeling well. I can't imagine a day, week, month, anything without him here. I've always been a daddy's girl. I always will be.
I remember for my 10th birthday he asked me what I would want for my birthday. I told him that I wanted a barbie. He said no, that I had enough barbies. I was devastated because the newest Barbie was now a Bride!!! That evening he came home with the prettiest, brightest blue bike I had ever laid my eyes on. It was affixed with a white basket on the front with streamers on the handlebars and the coolest banana seat ever!!! I was the envy of the neighborhood. Everyone wanted to ride my bike. I treated it as if it were gold. I parked my bike inside my house everynight because I wanted nobody to ride it and I wanted to keep my eye on it at all times! It was probably the bestest birthday ever for me. I don't remember him being sick at all. We were all happy.
It may seem weird, but thinking back when it was any of my brothers or sisters birthdays my mother was always in charge of the cake, the party, etc. It's so odd because for my birthdays I only remember daddy bringing home the birthday cake for me and putting together my parties. I remember my 11th birthday cake was white with red roses on it. It was a round chocolate cake. My mother never put together any of my birthday parties, only daddy. And now, I wouldn't have had it any other way. He knew how to throw a party. He also gives the best gifts. The coolest Cabbage Patch Kids dolls were his specialty. We were obsessed with the Garbage Patch Kids trading cards. They were utterly disgusting. They were downright gross! Mom never wanted us to have them....daddy would sneak them to us!!! He would always let us have a sip of beer when he was drinking. He is the coolest!
I just pray for more time with him. I'm needy and greedy that way. I love him so much. I have put my life on hold for him. He's irreplaceable.
Signed,
Daddy's Little Girl
