I haven't been so good to myself lately. I'm always caught up in whats going on with my family and never about myself. This takes me back to what my therapist once told me. He said I didn't love myself. That sentence alone knocks the breath out of me. I guess months of therapy never really fixed the problem either. I honestly don't know where to begin.

I've decided that my family and I have been spending way too much time together. I don't find the time for myself. I'm also a hypohondriac. I live in fear of getting the big C again. So I clean my house relentlessly hoping there is not a deadly molecule anywhere around my humble abode. My fears have caused a lot of 'accidents' on my stairway to death. Olga fell down my staircase yesterday. She didn't have health insurance, I had to pay. (Obama will be making healthcare affordable to all)
She's okay for now. I have to live with my guilt. MY FAULT.

I haven't been sleeping at all. I tried the sleeping pills again, I took them WELL in advance of going to bed (several hours in advance) so when I went to bed after 2, I fell fast asleep and slept all night. Two tampon-pee breaks, otherwise a full night of 8 hours of sleep...with another hour trying for a ninth..no such luck.
However, I slept so soundly that I have a kink in my neck, but truly, ask me if I care. (Hells no.)

My parents are hosting a party this weekend in which Olga was going to be assisting her with. Now since she can't, I must. It's the least I could after pledging my own staircase. I have to spend my weekend at some party with a bunch of old, rich, bitches. It is for a good cause. It will be central roasters coffee. It will be outdoors under a huge white tent. I will be freezing my balls off :)

I'm pmsing and I'm emotional. I'm really blah these days. After the party I've decided to get out of town. Even if it's just for a day. Haven wants to join me, but I want to be alone. To pamper myself. To love me.


Love,

Me