The Girl in the Mirror

"If I get what I want in my struggle for self, And my life is just great for today;I go to my mirror and look straight in my eyes, And see what that girl has to say."

I'm not fool enough to deny the fact that I've gotten everything I wanted. Retribution, absolution, confirmation, closure. I'm not fool enough to deny the fact that it all came at a very dear price. I'm not fool enough to mark myself clean, whole, fixed, important. I'm not fool enough to claim that I am faultless, superior, or even very kind. But when I look in the mirror, at least I know that I was honest...with myself, with them, with my emotions and my actions.

"For it isn't my lover, or children, or friends Whose approval I have to win;The person whose opinion I have to obtain, Is the girl staring back from within."

I am vulnerable and open. I lack confidence. My emotions gush out of me like blood from a severed limb, my actions are rash and uncalculated. I am fierce like a threatened animal, selfish like a teenager. I sleep when I can't face the music, I get lost in my vivid dreams. I write the things I cannot say, and say the things I cannot write. I drink myself silly and play make believe inside the body of my fearless, free, and angry evil twin. She has no self-control. I am not strong enough to argue with her.

"Those people may think I'm a pillar of strength,And imagine me lovely and wise,But the girl in the mirror says I'm useless and lost,If I can't look her straight in the eyes."

My greatest realizations, however, come from the mouths of others, people who see in me that which I cannot see, the good, the ugly, the downright wretched. Things within me which have been suppressed to the point of eternal denial, the ticking time bomb that is my troubled mind, the laughs that drown out my true voice, the half-truths that spill from my mouth like guilty confessions. Things within me that are both beautiful and terrible, cruel and kind, intimate and material. Things that when brought to my attention sting like razorburn with their honesty...words like shallow surface wounds, painful, tangible, but hardly worth a bandage.

"She is the one to please, nevermind the rest,For I'll be with her up 'till the end;And I've passed the most difficult, dangerous test,If the girl in the mirror is my friend."

I look at myself and see the fading rays of summer, the challenges I've faced, the price that I've paid in the name of love. I see Mike's defeated dark eyes, crystal clear and childlike in their unspoken apologies, and I see my own blue eyes glaring back with a deep, seething hurt disguised as a wall of boiling anger. I see Adam's liquid brown eyes heavy with regret for all of the things he can never give me, and my own eyes burning with tears as I understand for the first time the motive behind his desperate acts. I see Eric's placid green eyes pleading with me to take responsibility for the offenses I've committed, towards him and others who love me. I see my own eyes, blue pools of poetry, silently forgiving me for being unable to forgive myself.

"I might fool all the people I meet in my life;And never allow them to see my fear;But all I'll receive is more sorrow and strife,If I lie to the girl in the mirror."

And so the fairy tale is over, if it was ever a fairy tale to begin with. The willful princess wanders, stumbling drunk, dreamlike, and careless, through dance halls, and city parks, crowded bars and empty hallways looking for answers. She unites with her vagabond lover as their eyes lock across a crowded field, and her heart sinks with the realization that he didn't leave because he didn't love her, he left because their roles in life were just too different. She falls victim to a powerful man who uses his strength to snap her wilfullness and steal her dignity. As she stumbles to pick of the pieces, she realizes that the prince she thought she had found was merely a handsome placebo used to cure symptoms that were never there. She ultimately realizes that there is truth in everyone, in everything, in herself. She just had to open her eyes wide enough to see it. As she closes the door on all of this, on Mike, on Eric, on the men in her life who have loved her, used her, abused her, and taught her, she finally sees herself.
"So I go to my mirror every morning and night,I look in her eyes and feel whole. And she tells me the path I've chosen is right; For her eyes are the mirror of my soul."
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I don't usually buy into that inspirational, "girlfriend, you are beeeeeautiful!" bullcrap, but I used the poem "The Girl in the Mirror" to lead me. What I painted is somewhat dark, and too honest. Perhaps I'll delete it tommorrow, but tonight it feels good. So with that said... for those of us who are never satisfied, how much is it going to take until we can accept our limitations, take responsibility for our mistakes, and live with the lives we've made?

The Lazy Days of Summer

The pampered ladies & I spent the entire day together yesterday. We had a sleep over and we painted each others fingernails, practiced our beauty pageants, and as always I had to break out my model on the runway strut which they always love and giggle as I suck in my face to make myself look malnourished! We also pretended as if we were ducks and we swam all night. We topped the night off with pizza and apple juice. Shelley and her husband came over for a drink. I left my cell phone charger at her house so we drove over to her house and hung out there until the girls crashed. And then finally at 10 p.m. I drove Kennedy home and promised to do it again in a few days. Thats after I heal from over exhaustion!!! They were a lot of work and a lot of fun at the same time.




Did you notice Em's smile in the picture with wild Shelley? Thats her Miss Congeniality 2000 watt smile that wins her the title as "Best Smile"!!!

I broke my toe! My pinky toe :( Fun shtuff...no really...The percoset can be a lot of fun :)

My T Baby has a lot of drama on the West Coast and I need to save this guy. I almost lost him to Ellen....That was close! In all seriousness, he's in a bit of a mess so we all should send T lots of positive energy and prayers. I'm sure my boy will come through with flying colors. He always does :)

And...On to my Latin Lover

I'm Smitten. Truly smitten. He's 35, handsome, successful, keeps me laughing all the time. We can make fun of ourselves and he's a real man :) I can't get enough of him! He's a keeper. We have sooo much in common that it's crazy. I find myself just smiling when I think about him. He's the reason for my permasmile! He has a beautiful daughter too and she is his everything. Everyone knows that I love a man who loves his kid. Thats enough for now :) He reads this!

I have to get dressed for the doctor just so he can take my clothes off and feel me up :) Wish me luck.

T--You sexist pig! Teasing baby....I expect to know more in the coming days! Call me if you need me. And I can't let you get married...We made a deal that if I'm not married by 30 you were going to marry me...sooooooooo if the Spanish fly doesn't work out....I'm all yours! You know I'm a sucker for Tiffany's already!!! Talk to you soon.

A

I want to Congratulate...

....Myself in keeping up with this lovely blog for nearly two years! It's as if time never passes but yet the days fly by. I've enjoyed my time here and intend on staying for a while :) I hope you have enjoyed reading it as much as I've enjoyed writing it!


Happy Anniversary to Me!

Kenny

Dear Kenny:

No matter what the situation, I'll never leave you in times of trouble, we never could have came this far. I took the good times, I'll take the bad and I'll take you just the way you are. I need to know that you'll always be the same old someone that I knew....Im always here for you NO MATTER WHAT! I can't not like you.


Love,


Maya

Top Ten

Ten things men shouldn't say out loud in Victoria's Secret...

10. Does this come in children's sizes?

9. No thanks... just sniffing.

8. I'll be in the dressing room going blind.

7. Mom will love this.

6. Oh, the size won't matter. She's inflatable.

5. No need to wrap it up. I'll eat it here.

4. Will you model this for me?

3. The miracle what? This is better than world peace!

2. 75 bucks? You're just gonna end up naked anyway.

1. Oh honey, you'll never squeeze your ass into that.

I thought you would like to know....

I survived the beauty pageant. I thought it was a lot of fun. All jokes aside, there isn't that many cute kids out there. And most of these tiny little things looked as if they were Jonbenet Ramsey. One kid was even going for the Tammy Faye Baker 1983 look. The dresses were over the top. It was hard, but I did well overall.

A lot of people came by today....we ate Shrimp and Teriyaki chicken on the grill and after soaking up a lot of sun, I'm extremely exhausted.

This week is looking great. I have lots to do.

Actually it's that time of year again to plan my daddy's big birthday party!!!

Counting down to my 10 year!!! I have the dress already--It's haute Couture :) Yay!!!

Sugar on my tongue!

Give me, give me, give me some right there on my tongue!!!

A day in the life of Me..............

* Judging a beauty pageant @ 1
* Pool party/BBQ @ 4
* Practicing my dive



Uneventful weekend...

Nothing much compares to swimming in your own pool under the big summer night sky.

Theres just something alluring about the glisten of sweat between your tits while the hot sun beats down on you too during the hot summer days too!



"It must be the assssssss thats got me like...DAYUM!" "Is that your girlfriend? I got my boyfriend, maybe we can be friends"


"Where did you go? I miss you sooooo. Please come back home!"

"Everyones knows I'm in over my head, 8 seconds left in overtime...whats on your mind? Whats on your mind?
"Rearrange...I wish you were a stranger so that I can disengage"

"And i feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud And I know that you'll use them, however you want to"

New Housekeeper Wanted

*Must be able to arrive on time without the 7-11 cups in hand or that you leave around
*Must be able to put away laundry(see picture)

*Must be able to determine which clothes to wash and which to send to the Korean Kleaners

*Must be able to put pool towels by the pool and bathroom towels in the bathroom, (see picture)
*Must be able to put trash basket on floor, not tub
*Must be able to match bed linens perfectly even if it is just a guest room, see photo

*Must be able to speak 7 languages
*Must be able to cook for me and all 3 of my friends
*Must be able to leave your husband at home
*Must be able to water flowers, not the sidewalk
*Must be courteous to my pool guy
*Must clean my kitchen.

*Must not be lesbian
*Must be able to hang bikini's in laundry room, not on towel rack
*Must not be a cock block
*Must be able to do fifth grade math, because I can't!
*Must be able and willing to participate in water gun fights
*Must not have a problem with being thrown in the pool by my crazy friends
*Must not be a Spy!
*Must not mind me sending you for batteries everyother day!
Pay based on experience!

Life in Mayberry

* Dad is doing better, he's home from the hospital
* Summer has been too much fun
* T's heart is broken and NO--I didn't break it!
* I'm preparing for my High School reunion--fun shtuff for sure
* There is too many late nights by the pool
* My future is looking brighter
* I'm finding that I like athletic men
* My volleyball team is the best
* I work too much
* Sex is great, when you're having it
* I'll probably be in Cali soon
* Everyone is fantastic


Nothing new going on...

Happy 4th!

This could easily be one of my favorite holidays! I've had a great couple of days with my friends and my family. I even hurt myself playing Volleyball. My team consisted of Trevor, Michelle, Scott, Bobby & Chandler. I was captain of our team and I decided on the name of the Glam Squad. The boys were drunk so they agreed with the name. Becca's team consisted of Haven, Kellie, Cameron, Anthony, and Isaiah. They were team Top Gun. Needless to say, Team Glam Squad won the many matches :) I've been having soooooooo many BBQ's, Pool parties, and late night drunk fests. I feel as if I'm at Uva again!!! A couple of my friends are in town. Old and new and I'm preparing to embark on a fantastic vacation. Honestly, I can't wait to get away. I have a horrible fear of flying these days, but I'm sure it's nothing that some valium and the red carpet club can't fix! My plan is to get wasted before boarding. I have to get a hold of this fear though. My doctor said that the more I fly, the easier it will become. St. Thomas here we come!!!
I've learned that a lot of my friends are unhappy with me. I decided to forget all the drama and live my life. I'm far from perfect. I aim to please everyone, but at times I fail miserably. My 10 year High School reunion is coming up soon. I'm training for the Olympics :) I've narrowed my dates down to three possibilities. I can't wait to see who I end up going with. All three guys have expressed interest :) We shall see :) In other news, Dad has been doing well. Dr Drew is now settled in Houston and we're still really good friends. Sooooooo this past week has been fantastic. I can not wait until I'm soaking up the sun and working on my tan and getting wasted on the beach :) HAPPY 4TH of JULY !!!!

I guess I should start packing!

American Cities That Best Fit You::

65% New York City

65% San Francisco

60% Boston

60% Washington, DC

55% Chicago

Which American Cities Best Fit You?

Rainy Night in VA

"It was a rainy night when he came into sight. Standing by the door with no umbrella, no coat. I offered him a towel. He accepted with a smile. So we talked for a while. I didn't ask him his name".

The man that I'm talking about is Jesse. He's an Engineer. He's shy and sexy as all hell. I came home from starbucks lastnight and he was standing by the living room door. His clothes were drenched from the down pour. He and my brother were outside catching bikini tops and towels that were blowing in the wind and his clothes were soaked. There was a power outtages everywhere. I gave him a towel to dry off with and convinced him to stay for a while. We talked over coffee all night. He's traveled everywhere. Loves his job. He's a mama's boy. Very smart. He left me wanting more. And everyone knows that Amaya gets what she wants :) We made out like seventh graders. His hair turned me on so much. He's hot. Tonight it's dinner and drinks. Moving pretty fast? Who gives a shit?! He's incrediably sexy. Mmmmmmmmmm.

Update

My daddy always comes through on his promises! Just as a good father would :) We discussed it and a pool would be of great value to me and my family. It's been a long road, but my pool is nearly 95% complete. The concrete passed it's inspection, the diving board will be added tommorrow and the new deck/fence contractors have started working. The deck was ruined in my neighbors fire if you recall. My fence will be completed by Sunday. Here are just a few pictures Dad snapped today. Can you tell that I'm elated?! I had second thoughts about not getting my Kidney shaped pool, but what am I thinking? This is awesome!!!

The first steps....


Near completion...


My Grecian T!

F U

* For the record I will NOT be sensoring myself on here for fear of hurting people's feelings. My advice to you if you don't like it, stop reading it.

* I will not sugar coat anything on MY blog. It is what it is.

* Please don't call my cell in an alleged drunken stupor to try and discuss my blog! And don't try to fix things by blaming it on the booze!

* Only I have the right to be catty & petty!

Everyday

....Is father's day around here!

I had a lot of fun with dad. He's the best! I never take for granted any time with my father. Today was just extra special. My entire family was here and we had a wonderful meal with cosmopolitan sorbet!!! All thanks to Mom :)

Daddy, you're the best! I love you :)


Love,

One of your three favorite daughters,

Amaya

I'm not ready to make nice

I had a wonderful time at the beach. Although someone had an IV of stoli & cran and vodka until the early morning hours. I had a wonderful time, Becca had a nice birthday but overall the scene is ghetto. The scene is 18 year old girls with black girl Syndrome! I don't have an ass. I didn't fit in. The dresscode was "Sleaze". The guys are early 20's navy boys who try to 'spoil you with the riches'. Their $1000 a month paycheck is like ten thousand to them. Again, these guys have never had real jobs at their young age so a grand is a lot to them.

Victor said something to me yesterday...And I've been thinking about it ever since. Does money really matter? I always say it does not. I guess I'm fooling myself. I'm 27 now. I haven't dated a broke bitch in over 3 years. I wouldn't want a guy now that couldn't pay his own bills, I wouldn't want a guy that couldn't afford dinner and drinks and a nice vacation. So would I want to date a poor boy, the answer is negative, ghostrider!

Steve for instance is a well known NOVA millionaire. He's an Enterpernuaer. He's made a lot of money all on his own. He's even been bankrupt. Grant comes from NOVA where his father made lots of money and Grant is following in his footsteps. As for me, I'm independantly wealthy. JUST KIDDING. My mom says I come from 'OLD money'.

The bottomline is this...I don't care how you get your money, if you're taking me out, enjoying my company you best be able to afford me.

In other news...Blake from Chicago, (yes, PYSCHO BLAKE) and I have been talking quite a bit lately. He's coming down for 4th of July. I'm having a weeklong party at my house and then we're heading to St. Martin. He called me out of nowhere on Sunday am while I was at the beach and we've been talking nonstop. We haven't talked about the past because it's all said and done and it can't be changed. I'm a very forgiving person. My doctor wants me to be careful. We're just going to hang out. Nothing else. The sex was great. When I think about it, my toes curl instantly!!!

Do I feel bad about Grant? I do. He and I never really took off. Grant is the kind of guy who is so passionately sweet when he's with you. When he's not, he's not trustworthy. I'm not the only person that thinks like this. It has been brought to my attention by several others. . He still has contact with his ex from Bangladesh. Summer is here and I can't keep putting off having a good time for the sake of Grant's feelings. He doesn't take me into account when he's getting blow jobs from random hoochies in Atlantic city. Perhaps you're thinking I'm petty when actually it's just time for me to move on!!!

Adil and I are having lunch today. I miss him. Can't wait to see him!

All is fair in love & war.

Summer is here!

It's been nearly 100 degrees all week and I love it!!! My pool is near completion. It should be ready by June 7th. The steps are in and I'm having water put in it to stabilize the walls of the pool. I can't wait!!!

Everyone knows by now about the fire at my neighbor's house that caught my deck on fire and did a lot of smoke damage to my house on sunday. The dreaded Insurance company is coming again on Friday to discuss options...Funstuff.

I've decided that I'm going on vacation once a month...even if its just a weekend getaway. My summer will lots of fun ;)

More later.

Well behaved women rarely make history!

Yesterday was a good sign of what my summer is going to look like. Trish, Becca, Haven, Faith, Kellie, Brandi, Shelli & I went to the golf course and played a round. We got drunk off of nasty Rolling Rock beer and White Zinfandel. Shelli puked on the 14th! The sun and the beer do not mix!!! Haven was so wasted she crashed her cart into Faith's, leaving Faith with whiplash!!! Shelli is a wild child. She has to take AA classes so being the good friends that we all are we went with her to her meeting while we were all wasted. It was too much fun. One lady showed up without shoes on!!! I swear it was the craziest place I've been to. The lady without shoes works as a cashier in a Liquor Store, but no worries--she's been sober since Saturday!!! One lady mid 70's was there. She said that she has had many addictions from booze to drugs to sex. Well now she is addicted to the internet! She said that her family has to come over to her house to get her out of the house to pay the bills. She said that she spends as much time on there as possible. She said that she just can not wait to get home and get into a chat room!!! We all basically pissed our pants. We couldn't believe it. She was my grandmothers age. She was nuts. There was a hot attorney there though. He was there because he has had 3 dui's. They asked Shelli to introduce herself but she didn't want to. They asked us why were all there. We told the leader we were there for support!!! Rick called while we were in the meeting, but he didn't notice a thing. We went back to the course and went swimming but the water was too cold. We swam in our panties and bras. Trish & Faith were in true form; They chose to swim in the nude. After all of that we all crashed at my house and watched American Idol. It was a bit blah for my taste. Taylor should win--everyone knows I'm a fan, Although he should have picked better songs. Katharine never impresses me. She's an okay singer but a poor entertainer.

Tonight we're all heading over to Faith's to watch the Finale of American Idol and get drunk off of cheap wine!!!

My Pool

The pool is coming along rather quickly. The lead guy that is building it is so hot! I wish mom took a picture of him. I love it when he takes his shirt off...mmmmmm he has the most amazing stomach....tan skin, seablue eyes and hot bod!

Little Miss Kennedy & Little Miss Emily

A few days ago I took Kennedy to my Grandmother's and she found my old swing that we have always had in our old Oak tree and Kennedy fell in love :)




Then I took Em to get a manicure while I got a pedi. She then insisted that she needed a hair cut. She was exhausted after a day of shopping and pampering!




This was sent to me by Lisa. Kennedy was recently in the hospital because she was sick and just like all best friends, Emily was by Kennedy's side! It's not the most flattering picture of Kennedy's daddy's big arm or Kennedy as a sick little girl. The love that these to girls have for each other is unique and genuine.

Dear Me

I never thought I'd miss you - big frizzy hair, acne, bangs that were big and curled. You were awkward, your nose too small, your ears too big for your head. Your only friends were other cheerleaders, your clothes were always the best of the best. You were happy go lucky. You read. You ate nachos. You played Nintendo. You lived day by day on the inevitability that someday you'd be loved. You longed for love in a way that you can only long for something you've never experienced -- breathlessly, idealistically, hopefully. The image in the mirror never reflected how you felt. You knew you were beautiful, you just didn't know how to be.

I never thought I'd miss you, first mentor. "I love reading what you write," said Mrs. Johnson, my sixth grade English teacher. "You and Matt should discuss your writings, you're both quite talented." I remember leering at the chubby dark-haired boy who was always in my way at the lockers. We were her pets until we graduated to the seventh grade. Matt and I did however, discuss our writings. "Are you and Matt married yet?" she asked me when she saw me at a restaurant last summer. "No," I giggled. "No, we are not."

I never thought I'd miss you, first love, crash and burn. Fourteen, heart racing, I thought I might hit you that day in the computer lab. Were there tears in your eyes? I don't remember. First kiss, not what I expected. No fireworks, no bells...being with me changed you...after I'd changed to be with you. Goodbye frizzy hair, chubby legs. Flatirons, sparkling peach flavored water, fat-free butter substitute and apricots, there was nothing I wouldn't do for you. Brown eyes, you burned me. I'd never met anyone like you. I still haven't.

I never thought I'd miss you, first job, in the beautiful Shenandoah National Park while spending the summers with my grandparents. The hot guests from as far away as the Netherlands made me realize I was a woman. On slow days, my friends would visit, we'd hang out in the lobby and eat at the restaurant and flirt with the bartenders.. When a boy made me cry, Wes and Chris who were the chefs, sat with me all day as we plotted revenge between fruit salads and cheeseburgers.

I never thought I'd miss you, first boyfriend, big arms blue eyes, love for me pouring out of you like raindrops. Your smell, like home, curled up next to you, we watched "Clueless." I ran my hand, heavy beneath the weight of your class ring, down your stomach, over the t-shirt with the WWF logo that I thought was silly. "I'm a redneck," you said. Chimichangas at TGIFridays, that was my favorite place to go. Your hand up my skirt during a Natalie Portman movie, sliding down my dress after my induction into the National Honor Society, On my sixteenth birthday, you covered me with chocolate syrup.

I never thought I'd miss you, best friend, you were my girl. You were fragile and beautiful. You slept with a teddy bear beneath bed, you were afraid of what your father would do. You had to meet with social workers at school. You spent night upon night at my house, getting ready for dances, borrowing clothes, listening to music, talking until dawn. I'd never had a real girlfriend. I took you everywhere I went. You looked up to me. But you probably never knew that I needed you just as much. When you left, I hated you. You're still a sore spot.

I never thought I'd miss you, first temptation, your bleach blond hair blowing in the breeze as we held hands at Kings Dominion. I wore a light cotton shirt, white and blue with an open back. You slid your hand up the back and walked with me like I was yours. I thought it might be nice. "Oh my God. It's like a boner," I said. "So that would make the ride...a giant handjob?" We were exhilerated by the ride that shot you up into the air against a giant pole at a ridiculous speed, and sent you immediately crashing down, making your stomach flip. That night we watched fireworks from the Eiffel tower.. You kissed me. I liked you.

I never thought I'd miss you, CHOICES, working as a Shelter Advisor at the home for abused women and children so I could buy Silver and Tommy Hilfiger jeans, changed me without my knowing it. Every woman has a story. When Tonya killed herself on my watch I went crazy too. When we found her body I was hysterical. "I'll take care of things. Take all the time you need." Robin said. I never went back.

I never thought I'd miss you, innocence, first time, carefully planned. "Let's try a practice one, first," I said. We'd been dating for nine months. When we were ready, banana flavored condom, 10 minutes of mild discomfort. "That wasn't such a big deal!" I said, relieved. We shared a frozen pizza. That night, Jeremy cried while he thought I was sleeping. "What's wrong?" "I took your childhood," he said.

I never thought I'd miss you, highschool graduation, I was sad. We all cried. I wrote each girl in my class a nice note, even though I didn't particularly like everyone. But I was nice that way. Brandy read her speech.I watched the slideshow. When Matt's picture flashed across the screen, I hid my eyes beneath my sunglasses to conceal my weakness, he'd left for the airforce 5 months earlier and my heart was all but broken. When I got home, I had to face my family and everyone was there. Even Michael who I broke up with because he had cancer and I was shallow.

I never thought I'd miss you, first revelation. He was never an old friend, but it always felt like he was. Visiting me in my dorm my freshman year at UVa, the sunlight poured in through the tall window as we sat talking on my floor. That day, he cried about everything he'd never been able to say. I held him for an hour without muttering a word. It felt nice to be somebody's rock for once. I wiped a tear from his cheek and knew we'd always be together.

I never thought I'd miss you, first roommate, smoking marlboro menthol lights on the stoop of our first apartment. You were wilder than me, and convinced me to donn a white t-shirt and dance braless in the rain. On Mondays, we'd start drinking as soon as classes were over. Perched on our stoop with bottles of Miller Light, people would walk by and ask us, "Why Monday?" We'd answer, "We like to start the week off right." You liked to have loud sex. It always pissed me off when I wasn't getting any.

I never thought I'd miss you, first heartbreak, world crashing down. You betrayed me. Hurt me. How can I still bear to look at you? I developed my serious drug habit because of you. Crying alone on the balcony of the apartment I shared with Erin, Lisa and Adam, I would chug Tequila and contemplate jumping. My friend Brandi put her arms around me and told me it was fine, I was strong. I'd get by. Time passed and I amazed myself with my own healing power. She was right. I picked myself up. I survived.

I never thought I'd miss you, Brent, my brother who was killed. You left so quickly. You didn't suffer. You protected me from boys. You allowed me to ride to school with you and your friends. You loved football, Better than Ezra and pretty girls. It pissed me off that you were taken. I'm still pissed. I wonder what you'd be doing today? Would you have became the military man just like dad? Would you have the house and the picket fence?

I never thought I'd miss you, high hopes, smart girl, quirky girl, nice girl. Where are you? Are you still me? Are these memories mine? Straight hair, clear skin, bright teeth, curves?. Who are you? You buy your clothes at Gap sometimes, you're normal. You work out daily. You only read your celeberity rags. You eat salads. You play with fate. You live day to day on the inevitability that you'll probably never be loved. You long for love in the way that you can only long for something you've experienced the bitter consequences of -- carefully, cautiously, fearfully. The image in the mirror doesn't reflect how you feel. You know you're beautiful. You just don't remember how to be you.

Yeah Yeah

~My workout this morning was great! I did 120 minutes of cardio and strength training and it was intense. I loved it. My trainer is fabulous. I love the feeling of accomplishment.
~Dad is doing well. Dr's report says that all is well.
~Acura TL in Black is sweet :) Except Nick from Nova has the same damn car.
~Kennedy's 2nd birthday is coming up!
~Emma and I got mani's and pedi's. Emma decided she wanted a haircut needless to say she gets what she wants.
~Dr. Drew thinks that I'm spoiling Emma! You only live once!
~ Taylor Hicks will be the next American Idol.
~I'm horny. I can't help myself I stay this way. I need to get laid asap. Anita Lei is my new name.
~Dinner tonight will be nice :)

Another great weekend

I'm back home after a fun weekend away. It was so nice to feel the sand between my toes and water at my feet. We had a great time and I'll be back soon.

Saturday evening Rebecca and I got drunk and had too much fun with this chic from Mobile Alabama. It went down! She was a lot of fun. She was an alcoholic in denial!!! We winked at old men and flirted with the married ones. 'Cameron' a young lad from Greensboro wanted to buy me a drink but I basically told him I was'nt there for his entertainment and to keep his drink just give me the money. It was going to be just him and his hand for the night! Note to guys: STOP spilling your drinks on us! Keep your hands off. And don't bet your boys that five bucks, you'll need it for the trick you'll end up with at the end of the night. You know who you are. High fiving talking shit but you're going home alone arent ya?!

Zack was different. Zack was the lead singer in his band. I've always had a weakness for a boy with beer and a guitar in his band! He was great. He was hot. He is someone else's man and I told him that wasn't the man that I want. He loved the honesty. He said he'd look for me firet in his next life!!!


I can't wait to revisit. It will be fantastic. It will be soon.

Carolina

It took forever to get here! I thought I-95 would never end!!! It's a lovely day. We're having so much fun. My only problem is that we do not have enough time here. There is sooo much to do. Becca and I went running on the Beach and what a work-out that was--talk about rude awakening!!!!

I did'nt remember just how beautiful this house is until I revisited. It's so Victorian and with the wrap around porch and the swing, I feel right at home. The house needs a name. Any suggestions???

While out shopping Eric from Chi town called, it was brief and pleasant for once :)

We're all having a great time and I don't want to leave! It's getting hotter here so I'm going to go take a swim and be one with nature!!!

Is Kobe Gay?

Recap

I've always had a weakness for smart boys, but Brennon has always been extraordinary. Tall, athletic, handsome and intelligent and not much has changed since high school. I saw him this weekend and his smile makes me melt. He hugged me so tight and I loved it. I loved his cologne. I loved his hair, I loved his clothes, fuck-- I even loved the Downy in Lavendar and Vanilla!!! We were always friends. Seeing him made me feel like I was that 16year old naive, complicated little girl again. We're doing dinner tommorrow. The fact that he's an FBI agent turns me on too!!! In reality, I know that we're ONLY friends, but I haven't been held down and fucked really hard in a long damn time and Brennon you're ripe for the fucking!!! Just kidding :)

Isaiah is raising money for Slugfest 2006 again. He's doing really well. He's raised $180 on his own entirely. My friends have pitched in and have also helped. Brandy--$25, Kenny--$50, Grant --$50, Dr Drew-- $100 and Steve is going to contribute as well. This teaches Isaiah how to work hard and accomplish his goal. He's doing fantastic in baseball as is Chandler.

Dad is doing well. He's fabulous. I love spending time with my parents. They're tons of fun.
Mom told me tonight that she wants to go to Chicago. Weird, eh? Out of the blue she said that she wants to go to Chicago sometime this spring and take in the city. How awesome is that?! That means that Dad will most likely go too and I would be able to have a fantastic time there while not worrying about my dad because he'd be with us!!! Sometimes, God is weird.

Becca's birthday is in June and I'm planning a big damn party. Everything is going to be in the color pink--different shades but all PINK....From the table linens to the Cosmo's the theme and invitations are all pink. I'm excited because pink is our favorite color :) Any ideas? Suggestions? All are welcome.

---> I am not alone <-----

"...He makes my world stop."

Oh. My. God. She said it. Wow. Everytime I watch Grey's Anatomy, I get a warm, fuzzy feeling that lasts me at least a couple of hours. I'm such a junkie that I ritualistically prepare for the viewing by settling in with a pint of Haagan Daaz Dulce de leche ice cream (comfort food), a Diet Coke (pointless) and 3 Tylenol P.M.(to shove my insomniac ass into beautiful, empty sleep). Then I dial up Dr Drew, if I can't be with him in person and together we analyze, appreciate, and 'awww' whilst becoming enraptured by the feats and foibles of spunky young Dr. Meredith Grey. Tonight, however, Andrew is AWOL once again and the melodrama unfolding before me is only adding to my feelings of mid-twenties angst and overall disdain for humankind. Life is pointless. All it is is hurt and eventual death, intermittenly paused and shaken up by those few, select people who can stop your world. My angst stems from the fact that my world has indeed been stopped, and I can't seem to kick the motherfucker back into rotation. And he who hath stopped it, wow. What a joke.

"I don't want you," is a phrase that ranks right up there with "I don't love you." "Start planning the end." "I'm having an affair." "I'm pregnant, but you're not the father." and "Sorry, but the tumor is inoperable." It literally floors you, stops your heart. Stops your world. This is the opposite of falling in love, slow dancing with someone who makes your heart race, murmurring "I want you," on the brink of climax... feelings like that put your head in the clouds...but "I don't want you," well... we've all been there. I won't elaborate. I'm no stranger to rejection, no stranger to hurtful words and angsty arguments, but somehow this is different. Somehow, this from him hurts more.

"We're out of oranges, try these tasty nectarines."
"I don't want nectarines. I want oranges."
"I'm sorry ma'am, but all we have here are nectarines."

Yet more proof that life is predictable only in its unpredictability, that nothing is concrete, nothing is constant except for God in the stormy sky and His sad sense of humor. "Thanks a lot," I say when I pray. "Thanks a lot, you crazy man"! You sure pulled a fast one on me!" God laughs as the thunder crashes and He explains that if He'd have meant me for light living, He wouldn't have made me so sturdy. "Yeah and on that note, thanks for snail-like metabolism after turning 27, too!"

"I'm sorry, but we don't seem to have this dress in pink. Perhaps you should try the white"
"I don't want the white. I want this dress in pink."
"I'm sorry, ma'am, but it's really the only other option."

I think of things that might make me feel better, like smoking 8,000 cigarettes or going on an unhealthy diet, or an exspensive shopping spree or impaling myself on a piece of cutlery or something, just a little something dangerous to spice it up, a little something to make me feel. Because truth is, I've been living my life by means of avoidance lately -- shutting off my phone, neglecting emails, sleeping for 14 hours a day instead of talking to friends, not working, because let's face it kids. Does anyone really want to dial up a friend only to have the following conversation take place?

"Hey! How are you?"
"Shitty."
"Oh... really? That bad, huh?"
"Yeah, that bad. Want me to lie?"
"No... but....I mean, what's going on?"
"Well, I hate life. I'm out of my routine. I've gained ten pounds. I'm on the verge of going nuts, I have friends that are ho's, My dad is not well and I yearn for adult conversations. I'm just overall kind of lonely and desolate and hopeless."
"That's too bad...."
"Yeah, and to top it all off, HE DOESN'T WANT ME."
"Oh Jesus. Well, you don't really want him, do you?"
"Ugh. I wish. I wish that was the case, but no. I do. And he's the only one. You know, he makes my world stop, and all of that. Ugh. Does anyone have a light? So uh... hey, yeah, how have you been?"

I don't want my friends to see me like this. I'm the spunk! I'm the comic relief! I'm wild and wacky! A downtrodden, life-beaten, victim-stancing, woman-scorned Amaya just doesn't pack the same punch. So rather than smile on, and lie, or mope and cry and usurp pity, I disappear, hoping desperately that I'll find some way to fix me in the interim.

Sometimes I think it's God's cruel trick to make the most blessed people in life the most helpless and emotionally fragile. Lookie here, I got this great, two-parent nuclear family, good teeth, great hair, skin that tans without burning. I've also got brains and money, and that being said, I'm about as self-reliant as one of Paris Hilton's chihuahua babies. It's time to grow up, but no one ever said it would be so hard. People have been cleaning up my messes and neutralizing my mistakes for so long... so long, my good fortune has to have ended sometime. And so it is, I've exhausted my resources and it's just me and the Big Man Upstairs. We haven't been close for some time, I'm a stranger in His House, but we still talk occasionally, like two people who've seen an amazingly close friendship melt away into awkward acquaintanceship. Yet, there are times when I'm so scared, so lonely, so devoid of hope that I can't resist looking him up.

Sacreligious, maybe. But I like to think that God is whatever you want Him to be, whatever you need Him to be, just so long as you actually need Him. And there's no way I'm going to trust my fragile heart to yet another pale-eyed white male who wants to play the martyr and pass judgment and smite me and all of that. Because at the end of the day, what I really want, what I really need is someone to say "Hey, there's a reason for all of this. Hey, I haven't given up on you yet. Hey, I've got a plan with YOUR name on it!"

So you can be assured, quelled, pacified.... so you can muster up the strength to go on... so when you're still up at 3 am, drinking a glass of wine on the balcony, you know you're not alone. Not even when your fat jeans don't fit, not when you're miserable and friendless and ready to drive your car into passing traffic. Not even when you're out of Percoset and crazy.

Not even when he doesn't want you.

I am not alone.

:::Spring makes me smile:::

So I decided that I want my own personal in-ground swimming pool for this summer, instead of going to Grandmothers. There's too many people that are always working around her house and you just don't get privacy when you just want to swim with your summer fling/flavor of the month. My parents agreed that it would be nice so it's going to happen! We have to get building permits and junk first then it's on! So Shelley, you may be building a new house but I'll be able to fit your whole house in my swimming pool ;)

I spent my Saturday afternoon with Isaiah. We went shopping. He wanted new clothes and some cologne. He wanted Polo Black, which I love, but I told him it was a bit much for Third grade so he reluctantly went for the Clinique Happy for Men. Clinque Happy is a staple for me. It's delicious. Citrusy, Hawaaian flowers, it's great. Then we went on to Victoria's Secret where I bought some cute panties and bra's in spring pastel colors. I made the mistake of asking Isaiah did he think my light baby blue panties that tie together on the hip were cute! He said "I don't know, I'm a man." Of course I started laughing and he said "QUIT! I am the only man in here besides that other guy please don't embarass me!" I found it funny that he now calls himself a man at Nine years old. We went to Bebe and bought the cutest summer dress in Yellow!!!

We're going down to the house in Pine Island-Corolla NC for the entire Mother's Day weekend so I thought the Bebe dress would be cute with some Espredille's. I can not wait to frolick on the beach and sleep someplace unfamiliar. The question is whose going with me? Dr. Drew? He is moving to Phoenix in June and it could possibly be our last oppourtunity to see each other. Grant? He is a mothers boy, not sure if he'd leave her for a holiday. Kenny--TOTAL Mama's boy but would do anything I said. His new mission in life is to peel off my panties!!! Charles--He practically lives there already, flexible, handsome and fun. T--He's in LA, not likely to happen although it would be the best of fun! T & I agreed that if we lived together we'd have the best ever living situation--Sex whenever we wanted while we dated others, working out together, teaching each other new things like tantric sex!!! T & I agreed that we'll marry each other when I'm 30 and nobody else wants me!!!

Anyone like the '06 Acura TL? Dad says I should get one. Daddy knows best. I can't afford my 'Cedes anymore. I've never been in love with that car. He's likely to be history by the end of the week. He's like a bad boyfriend. Goodlooking exterior with a great reputation but too exspensive and on the inside isn't as great as everyone thinks. It's hard to part ways because everyone else likes him, but this is whats best for me. We're breaking up!

I have a date tonight with <3>

Poor little rich girl

On my way to Shelly's house...Shelly is the crazy chick who seriously tried ($425,000 attempt) to buy off a judge after getting her second DUI. The money didn't do shit for her. Her father owns a multimillion dollar company and tried pleading her case to a judge who didn't sympathize with her drunk ass and even said "I don't care if you're George Bush's daughter, you come in my court drinking and driving you're going to jail!" She went for 15 days :( So now she has a coke habit. She doesn't know that I know...she's always scared to tell me things because she's afraid that I'll think she's a crack head!!! She went on a $5,000 binge 2 weeks ago....she doesn't know I know though. She's so immature...she has tons of money in several different accounts that she asked me to buy her a 10 key adding machine and come balance her checkbooks!!!! So I'm going there now....then on to Isaiah's game where he will win again :)

Am I the only person that likes French Bread Pizza?

Holy Crap

Mother fucker. At $3.00 per Gallon my local gas station better have a hot gas attendant providing complimentary orgasms!

This is rediculous! I'm seriously considering selling my car and getting a bike. Fuck that shit.......for what i'm paying for gas I could get a Rickshaw and buy a mid-sized Asian family to drag me around.

Venting

Is it just me......or are there others of you out there who find Teri Hatcher's doughy-eyed life ruining character "Susan Mayers" Nails-on-the-chalkboard intolerable? Everytime this bitch gets screen time a little part of me dies.

Reasons Why I HATE Susan Mayers

-She burned down Edie Britt's house

-She had her daughter (a minor) break into her neighbor's house (a crime) to retrieve evidence that proved she burned down Edie Britt's house.

-She turns her back on Zack Young(only son of her dead friend Mary-Alice), and sends him into a further psychotic tail-spin by preventing him from seeing her daughter Julie, his one anchor to sanity.

-She asks Edie Britt's permission to go out with one of the contractors she's seeing (because Edie had been seeing him first) and when Edie appreciates her checking first and asks her to please not go out with him, she goes out with him ANYWAY. YOU STUPID BITCH OMG I HATE YOU SO MUCH!

-She sleeps with her ex-husband Carl (Who has been seeing Edie for several months) while he and Edie are on a break.

-She's a proven HORRIBLE parent and should be sterilized.

-She CONSTANTLY meddles, be it when she finds out that Gabby is having an affair with her gardener (WHAT BUSINESS IS IT OF YOURS BITCH), when she stumbles upon a gun and money in mike's house (STOP SNOOPING YOU HEINEOUS BITCH), when she breaks into Paul Young's house for god knows what (WHEN WILL YOU LEARN)

I just abhore her. I know she's a fictional anorexic character but I think If I saw the waifish Teri Hatcher on the street I'd have to hit her for bringing such an annoying, reprehensible, irreversibly EVIL character to life with such ease. And besides she's dating Ryan Seacrest!

Where is your blog??

EVERYONE NEEDS A DAMN BLOG!

CREATE. WRITE. SEND ME THE LINK.

STAT!



Amaya

I'm not dead, just floating!

I had great weekend aside from the Strep. Emma's birthday party was Sunday and everyone had a great time. I even wanted the Pink Barbie Jeep that she got. The pink laptop wasn't bad either! Dad is doing well!

We went to Isaiah's game tonight. His team won Nine to Seven. Becca is a typical mother, getting angry, tense and taking his games way too seriously. He is getting better and better with every game. He was named SPORTSMAN of the YEAR last year. It was decided by his TBall league. His coach, last year, even said that Isaiah took criticism like a pro, followed directions, never complained and played smart with his heart in every game. I don't see this year being any different. My dad is so proud of him. My dad loves baseball. He doesn't like missing Isaiah's game. Chandler is doing fantastic too. He doesn't like the fact that girls are on his team. Tonight he even told me that his team sucks, but he likes to play because he's the best!

A few of my new favorite things:
*Bare Bronze Eye Palette from Victoria's Secret
*Nars blush in Orgasm
*Pink's latest CD--Cant stop listening to ALL of it, "I'm Not Dead"
*Long Bermuda shorts
*My 'LongChamp' bag that Mom's friend bought me back from Paris
*Taylor Hicks
*My Mont Blanc ink pen from Kenny
*All of my birthday cards and gifts from friends and family

Goodnight!

My fix

It's like you're a drug. It's like you're a demon I can't face down. It's like I'm stuck. It's like I'm running from you all the time. And I know I let you have all the power. It's like the only company I seek is misery all around. It's like you're a leech sucking the life from me. It's like I can't breath without you inside of me. And I know I let you have all the power, and I realize I'm never going to quit you over time. I can't see anything. Nothing but you. I'm addicted to you. It's like I can't think without you're interupting me, in my thoughts, my dreams you've taken over me. It's like I'm not me...It's like I'm lost, it's like I'm giving up slowly, it's like a ghost thats haunting me, leave me alone. And I know these voices in my head are mine alone. I know I'll never change my ways if I don't give you up now. I'm hooked on you,the fix I can't take it, Just one more hit....

Happy Birthday to Me!!!

Yesterday was my 27th birthday, I celebrated it by having dinner with my family and drinks with my friends afterwards. It was a pleasant evening until I realized I'm the only girl in my small circle of friends that doesn't just sleep with men for the sake of getting laid. You all know that I'm not that predictable. Some hot 28 year old Greek guy named Will who can't make a cosmo to save his ass is not someone I'm going to give my second virginity too!!! His beautiful chessnut eyes nor his chiseled jawbones were not enough to make me say 'Mmm'.

Easter was great! Emma, Kennedy, Elijah were in their Sunday best hunting for Easter eggs today. They were soooooooo cute. We all had a great time. The weather was fantastic!

Next Sunday is Emma's 3rd birthday. She's having an afternoon Tea Party with all of her friends and even a few from daycare over to her house. The damsels are to bring their favorite doll or stuffed animal along with them. It's going to be so much fun! It's basically another excuse for me to go shopping this week.

Dad has been feeling well. I keep praying. I want to keep him forever. He's my dad.
He has another doctors appt Thursday.

It was a beautiful weekend. I had a wonderful birthday. Grant, Steve, Kenny, Andrew, Ryan, Michael, T, Kellie, Julia, Brandi--Thank you all for the calls--You all made my day :)

Just An Update

* Dad is home
* Dad is doing well

Thanks to everyone for the prayers, well wishes and positive energy you all sent our way!!! Keep 'em coming!!!

---A

Blah Blah Blah

It's raining a lot.
I miss work.
Dad is not well.
Chandler is not a baseball man.
I've been shopping for a cute handbag and I can't find anything.
I need a vacation, stat.
Vegas it is.
Steve called, he's happy.
E has formed a habit.
I've been ignoring a lot of people.
Reece is living in PA now with Renee's family.
Gigi completed her last treatment.
My doctor says I'm bitter.

Sooo

Dad has not been well. Today after being home from the hospital he said he felt better. And I feel better when I'm around him.

I'm exhausted. My body is weak and I'm mentally drained.

Thank God for good doctors, comfortable beds, hot tea and pajamas. It's past my bedtime and I need sleep

Oh and I love Daylight Saving Time!!! That means summer is right around the corner.

Countdown until Birthday #27--Vegas or LA or South Beach...the jury is still out. What would YOU do?

Dear Daddy

Dad,

Spending time with you this week has been awesome. I love you!!!




Amaya

It's Thursday Already!!!

Isaiah has a game tonight :) He's back to playing baseball! I'm so excited. Chandler is playing this year too!!! I never would have imagined that I'd say CHANDLER IS PLAYING T BALL TONIGHT. He sure fooled his doctors.

I have dance class and then I'm going to Isaiah's game. Anthony and Kellie were coming over for dinner, it's his birthday but I had to reschedule because the boys are playing ball tonight! So Sunday night it's dinner @ Amaya's.

I'm in a great mood...I think it's because the sun is shining and it feels a lot like spring :) I love days like this.

Talked to dad earlier, he's feeling great. So everyone that is praying, don't stop!!!

My Kenny

Happy Birthday!!!

I can't believe you're metamorphasizing into the strong man that I've come to love! And here you are turning 24!

We met while you and were in DC right out of school. I remember the Britney concert and how much you loved, fantasized about her. I remember how you hooked up with another chic that night. Remember how I pretended to not be jealous?! I told you that your girlfriend had a fat face so we nicknamed her 'fat face' and the name stuck! She went off to help Kerry lose the presidency and gained tons of weight and got a horrible hair cut when she came back and from there she was not cool to us!!! Ahhh....we're bad!

Remember the nights of pampering? I needed a getaway you sent Isaiah and I out of town and we got whatever we wanted and put it on your tab!! $10 bottled water and exspensive desserts!

I remember the NOBODYS PERFECT book that you gave me by the girls from The Batchelor that I was obsessed with at the time. I still have every handwritten letter from you along with every gift you've ever given me.

Remember how you helped me in May? Remember how my heart just jaded and my world crashed? But you were there and you lifted my pain. Whenever I cried, you cried. You would tell me "You got to stop crying, you're breaking my heart" I'll never forget how awesome you were then and are now.

Remember the time I told your mother that you and I were engaged? Remember how she almost had a coronary?!

Remember the time Lisa saved your life?! You thought you were dying but she convinced you otherwise!!!

I remember all the times that you were there for me when dad was sick or something traumatic went down.

Do you know how much Isaiah Chandler Emma Kennedy and I love you???

Remember that time you asked "How do I impress you Amaya" and I said "You don't"...I lied!!!

I hope you have the best birthday ever. I want you to know that I am so proud of you. I'm so happy that you're going to be a millionaire by the time you're 30!!! I love you Kenny. Know that.

Happy Birthday :)

P.S. I love your baby face!!!

Everchanging Uncertainties

Basically my life has been turned upside down. Haven & Mom were told to start planning my dad's funerel. His doctors do not expect him to live much longer. We were given that news on Friday. As you can imagine we're all really shocked and distraught. At 58 he also has early signs of Alzheimers Disease. Probable cause is his medicines. I've been crying everyday since then and I've made a couple of life altering decisions already...such as moving back home to Mclean. And leaving my position. Everyone knows just how much I love my job...but you also know that I'm a daddy's girl and he's my everything. I can't even imagine my life without my dad. How could I ever imagine life without his wink and his hugs and his nightly phone calls. I refuse to deal with this bullshit right now. So we're all planning our vacation!

Summer is coming early for us this year :) I can't wait. I can't wait to spend time with dad...I can't wait to be on the tennis court with him again. He's amazing. He's great. He's my rock. And he's my glue.

I haven't had time for much lately. I'm always tired and always moody. I've only found one fix and it has kept me from crying for 2 entire hours and it really did calm me. Just like before. As always. Some things never change. Did I really expect anything less though. "IT" always was soothing, comforting and there. The best I ever had. Or never had...

My Dream fucks

These are the men I want to fuck...in no particular order :)


1)Patrick Dempsey from Grey's
2)T.R. Knight from Grey's
3)Mathew McCaunghey
4)Anderson Cooper
5)Simon Cowell
6)Maurice Bernard from General Hospital
7)Billy Currington
8)Christ Doughtery from American Idol
9)Terry Moran
10)Enrique Iglesias with the mole

I got sunshine!

We are having the best weather ever! 82 degrees feels like summer to me. I made Emma breakfast and then we went to Kennedy's for a playdate. The girls played on Kennedy's swing and jungle gym while Lisa and I washed our cars in shorts and tee shirts, flip flops and sunglasses. I figured a bikini would be too much!!! The girls ate lunch together, Uncrustables with grape jelly and Apple Juice. Then it was time to part ways...As always they scream bloody murder and kick you while the neighbors look at you as if you're kidnapping the kid! It was long until we were in the car on our way home that Emma fell right off to dreamland! The silence was amazing.

My workout this am was awesome. I feel soo much better when I work out. With Spring around the corner I my workouts will be more frequent! I love this flip flop weather. I thrive in it.

I've been sooo tired lately. Last night I even went to bed without watching Grey's Anatomy.

Saturday night we saw 'Failure to Launch' and it's the cutest movie. I loved it. Mathew McCaunhey (Sp) was sexy as ever and Sarah Jessica Parker was just as cute. The movie was good...very predictable but nothing compares to seeing Terry Bradshaw's big white ass flash across the screen. I should mention that the drunk depressed roomate of Paula (SJP) was very funny. She wasn't pretty with her 80's bangs and 80's hoop earrings but she was hilarious! Everyone should see it.

Thursday

I am soooooooooooooooooo exhausted! I stayed up late last night and had a wonderful conversation with an Old friend :)

Woke up at 8 after getting about 6 hours of sleep to Emma telling me to wake up!
We played, ate breakfast, then went to my brother's house. We got there and it was such a nice day here that we went to the park. Emma rode her bike while my brother and I walked behind her. She's sooooooo cute. She was singing and riding her bike the entire time and would even stop along the route to pick up a few rocks to put in her basket. How cute, eh?!

American Idol is coming on in a few...going to watch that and cheer on Chris, Ace & the crazy guy that has the bad twitch--Taylor!

Isaiah, Chan & I are going to pick out Kites tommorrow. The boys are obsessed with anything that flys. My only question is...where do I buy a kite??? Dicks sporting goods?

My 10 year reunion is going to be held in July. I'm helping to put it together since I'm probably the only person that still lives in VA!!! I can't wait though. I feel like I have to train for the Olympics!!! That reminds me...I do need a date to that too. Any takers???

Dance class with Santos tommmorrow. Soooooooooo excited!!

Quotes of the Week

"You love me like a brother?! Ouch! That stung"--Kenny when discussing 'us'

"Should you wear pink on the RED carpet?" --"L" & I discussing my obsession with the Oscars and fashion.

"Amaya I'm really upset by this meeting of her. She didn't even have a waist. If she wasn't going to have a beautiful face she should have atleast had a good body. I'm not even sure if she has good acting skills anymore."
--Dad dissapointed after seeing and working out alongside Renee Zellwegger, his favorite actress.

"I will charter a jet and go after my girl"--Kenny on rescueing Emma in Puerto Rico

"I am sorry for making fun of your 'friend' Mark. He did afterall get you drunk, take you to a strip club, look down your shirt at your tits and you ended up with him in a hotel room." -Grant justifying why he made fun of Mark.

"Grant, it's going to take roses in Pink, White, Yellow... oh and Lavendar to make up for calling Mark a loser. And Godiva Passion fruit truffles and don't forget about the the Andre Chreky gift card and then I'll consider forgiving you, mm K?" --Becca milking Grant after he apologized for calling Mark a loser while going into Starbucks.

Me after leaving Starbucks and reflecting: "If Grant thinks that he is going to get you four dozen roses, passion fruit truffles and an Andre Chreky gift card--he's in for a rude awakening!"
Becca: "Don't mess this up for me, My!"

Kenny: "I don't like that guy, Maya" (talking about E in Chi town)
Amaya: "Kenny! You don't like any of my guy friends"!
Kenny: "This is true."

"Don't do it, baby" --T, on the phone chatting when I told him I missed E in Chi town.

Haven: "I'm meeting Joey for lunch"
Me: "Joey wants you to get it on with his swinging wife"
Haven: "Ewww!"
Me: Giggle, snicker, giggle
Haven: "Hey, if this is what it takes for me to lose my appetite, I'll call you everyday during my lunch hour!"

Brian Bradley: "Hey girl! What time are you getting off?
Me: "After my 6 pm meeting"
BB: "Mmm, Can I watch?"
Me: 'Huh'?
BB: "I want to watch you get off" haha
Me: "Not in this lifetime" after throwing my GolfStyles magazine at the perv

"Hello Gorgeous" 21 month old Kennedy when her mother told her I wanted to talk to her on the phone

"You've been eating Doritos, Sheesh! Thats not good"--Me to the Korean dry cleaning lady with bad breath

Random IM from Britney--BrokeAsses Ex she stalks me.
"I thought about you the other day and decided to read your blog page.. happened to come across that i was a lying cunt. LOL. hilarious. have a good one, gullible."
Me: I'm sure you think of me a lot. It's been 2 years I fucked him a thousand times. Get over me already. Michael must have told you that we're hanging out again!

"Little Mama, One Wish by Ray J is our song"--Grant being mushy
"Look at what you do to me! --Grant showing me his hard on, uh huh!

"Theres my girl" --Ryan when he answered his phone during Spring Training!

Me: "Everyone makes fun of poor Mark"
Becca: "Because they don't know him"
Me: "Perhaps they're all on to something, Steve, Kenny and now Grant can't all be wrong"
Becca: "They've never seen his body or his eyes"
Me: "True"

Cute Attorney: OK, if the platinum locks, tan skin and killer curves were not enough . . .the Playboy tat?!
Me: Getting Pissed!
Attorney: Some guys go for your kind of look I guess
Me: Stomping my feet
Attorney -- I am SOOOO one of those guys!

Me: Singing "I'm in love with a stripper"
Grandma: "Thats a dirty song"
Me: "I'm in love with a stripper"
Grandma: "I'm going to tell your father!"
Me: trying to catch air after laughing so hard "QUIT IT, You kill me"
Grandma: "I won't kill you, but your father will"
Me: After picking myself up off the dining room table "You can be my stripper" while running away from her and her dry dish towel.

Becca: "Isn't Charles handsome?"
Me: "Yeah, he is now that he's modern"
Becca: "What do you mean?"
Me: "The guy had hair that was growing from his ears and had big Sally Jesse Rapheal glasses, he was a dork!"
Becca & Me: In unison: Giggle, Giggle, haha haha, can't breathe and she rolls off the big bed falling 3 feet atleast, the ground onto my heels hitting her in the forehead!


Rick:"Who would you prefer, McDreamy or McSteamy?"
Me: "You-- McSexy"
Rick: "Okay, McHottie, I'm Sorry but he's not an option"
Rick and I obsessed with Grey's Anatomy so much that we've came up with our own names, he's 'McSexy' who has a lovely girlfriend and I am 'McHottie' who drools over him!.

I'm a high roller!

Becca & I had dinner with Security guy that we'll call "L" on Thursday.. It was a fun night until he locked his keys in his car. Of course more than one guy said that it was a ploy to stay with us! Haha. Not very smooth. After I said a quick prayer to God begging him not to let me have to let this guy stay the night, he was able to pop the locks with a metal wire that he slid through the cracks of a window. Pretty ghetto fabulous. On with it...
We met up with "L" at 8 o'clock. He was looking very GQ in his distressed jeans and Oatmeal Eddie Bauer sweater with a off color Oxford underneath and brown boots. His hair was the way I like it...messy and spikey. His face was freshly shaven and his eyes the color of cold saphires. His smile was very young and innocent. Becca described him as GAP boy. To me, he's better than that. He's got depth. He's got range. He lives in a loft on a river and Kayaks as often as possible. Does not watch tv, only reads. He reads because growing up as the son of a preacher man in Wisconsin, TV was forbidden. He reads the bible. Was shocked to know that Becca and I know more than the average blond with boobs about the Bible. It wasn't his trendy jeans or beautiful baby face or sexy diamond stud in his ear nor was it his hair that I couldn't help but think about pulling while fucking him...no it was his scent! I've always been turned on by a man that smells as good as he looks. "L" smelled clean. He smelled like Suntan lotion/coconut soap. It was the first thing that gave me NHO! I was turned on all 2 hours of our night together. It does not matter if it is a hot designer cologne such as Higher by DIOR or Black by Ralph Lauren or Gaultier in the blue bottle or the smell of soap on a man, his scent is a good indication that he takes care of himself. Good hygiene is sexy. Afterall we're all hanging out again on Monday and I haven't been this turned on by a guy in a long time. In case you're wondering, Becca is the one with the mad crush on this guy.
In other news Mom & Dad were in their hotel gym working out last week with one of mine & Dad's favorite actresses, Renee Zellwegger. When Dad was telling me how he was literally running beside her & he was utterly disgusted because he said that "she had no waist, was lucky to have weighed 80 lbs and was probably 4'11'' tall." He said that she was very unattractive in person and that she did not even have a nice body. He did say that she was a very nice young lady. Everyone knows that Mom never says anything harsh about the way that people look, but she had to have been ugly if Mom agreed with everything dad was saying!!! I remember once that E said that she always looked drunk!!! Thats still pretty funny and yet I do agree with him. While in New York City they took in two shows, 'Spamalot' with Hank Aziria and Lauren Kennedy, and Spelling Bee with 'the guy from Frasier'. Mom was interviewed to participate in the Spelling Bee show! They asked her what her occupation was --Banker-- and she said that she knew she lost when asked that! She forgot to mentione that she was teaching kickboxing. That would have won her debut on Broadway but silly mom forgot to mention her cool qualities :)
So while @ Mom & Dad's to water the plants (yes, I Iive a wild life) I saw the March issue of Washintonian Magazine on the dining room table. I'm a fan of the zine so I read it...I saw THE infamous shot of the 'Covert' Valerie Plame in her pajamas while a photographer was supposedly attempting to get a shot of the Bush Admin Skeptic, Joe Wison, her hubby. I read about the boring Alan Greenspan and his replacement and then I turned to '25 Beautiful People'. I see this very handsome guy, read his biography and he wants to be the next Tiger Woods. I keep reading and something is oddly familiar with this guy I read the name and it is, HOLY SHIT...It's NICK !!! Nick that sells pharmacuticals, Nick. It was Zac and Ryan's boy, Nick. Nick that is so sexy, Nick. Nick that I posted a blog about in September! It was the hot ass guy that got my juices flowing :) T--I TOLD YOU ALL ABOUT HIM and everything that happened and DIDNT HAPPEN. THIS IS THE GUY!!! He was the number 1 hottest guy in DCVAMD. He is hot. Wherever you are and whomever you're fucking tonight, Congratulations Nick! I'm still a little jealous that I didn't make the cut!!! If you pick up the Washingtonian you will find Nick in there.
Tommorrow night is the Oscars. I can't wait. I'm cheering on Reese and Joaquin. Not a huge fan of Heath Ledger. Too gay for my taste.
All is good in my hood.

Boys Bras and Beers

G Money and I had a fight lastnight. I totally dismissed him and told him to take a hike. He told me he had falling in love with me!!! WHO KNEW?! After feeling like shit for being so mean to him I called him this morning to tell him I was sorry. We've agreed to be friends or atleast polite to each other. He's dating now so that should be healthy for him. It was going nowhere with us so it's for the best. Tonight I'm meeting up with Becca and the security guy for beersould be interesting to see how this goes. It's weird how my mind works because I was picking out my outfit that I intend on wearing and I was going for lots of cleavage and I'm wearing my 'whore' bra. It's a demi that my boobs just sit in and of course it's no IPEX but my boobs look and feel like they're in everyones face when I wear this bra. Thats why it's my 'whore' bra. Not that I'm gettind ho'ed out but I like feeling sexy even if i'm not hooking up with the guy. T--we have to chat, stat!!! Going to the doctor for a check up....wish me luck. * A

Me. Boring. Me.

*Just had lunch with my brother. We watched Martha Stewart and decided to make her specialty. Call us gay. Chicken salad with apples, wasn't bad.
*I've got mad cooking skills. My parents came over on Monday night and I made spaghetti. My mom told me this morning as they were leaving for NYC that it was the best spaghetti she's had in a while. She knows that I'm obsessed with Martha and figured it was Martha's recipe. She's always on in my office too. I learn so much from her. I will be a domestic goddess.
*Mom & Dad left for NYC for a few days to take in some shows, do a little shopping and enjoy the city. I'm jealous. I couldn't go because work is keeping me busy. So what else is new?
*I haven't had time for anybody lately. I don't know what the fuck happened. I haven't been social since thursday. I'm in a funk. Sheesh...just dawned on me that it was because of Eric in Chicago. I listen to him and reflect on everything that he says and sometimes I take everything he says to heart and don't ask me why this affects me--I don't know why. Well he's fucked me up again. I have so many great guy friends who would love to fill in where Eric was, but for some fucked up reason I won't let anyone go there.
*I need to get laid. Just call me Anita Lei!!!

Girls Just Wanna Have Fun

Rated PG--Happy Birthday"Miss B Haven!" We celebrated her 25th birthday Saturday. What a night it was!!! Dinner! Drinks! Dancing! Debauchary! We had dinner in Charlottesville where I met up with some of my girls from school and Haven and her girlfriends arrived @ the Maverick and all 14 of us had a lovely dinner. When asked "Whats the wildest thing you've done this year?" Since it is only February I had to break out with the Strip Club story. Everyone agreed that it was the wildest. The waiter actually said it was probably the best strip club in that area. The girls channeled their inner lesbian and decided that we should go. I said why not and thats exactly what we did!!! We belted out all of our favorite 80's tunes from Heart's "ALL I WANNA DO IS MAKE LOVE TO YOU" to Sinead O'Conners "NOTHING COMPARES TO YOU" all the way there. We got to the club and guys immeadiately offered to buy us all drinks because as we entered the Bouncer announced that it was Haven's Birthday.Their pheremones drove me crazy. The place reeked of testosterone. We were all watching "Ivy" do her thing when Nick from Fairfax approached me by pulling my hair {Big Turn-On} and telling me that His boy who was in VIP sent him down to tell me that I was the hottest chic in the room and he wanted me to dance for him--being in WV I'm not sure how I really feel about that.

They were the kind of guys who slap on pink button down shirts and Curve cologne before they hit up house parties, and their sex appeal is effortless. Boyish dimples, long fingers, with trendy shaggy haircuts-- not really my type at all. We all agreed that they were the boys that had posters of pre-K Fed Britney Spears and Brooke Burke on their walls. Everything an 18 year with a push-up bra and an exposed navel could hope for. He was just feeding me bullshit. I'm sure he used that line a lot that night. I told Nick that his boy could not afford me! We sat there and watched them live strange, predatory, exciting lives as we hid behind our Martini's with a knowledge base far beyond their understandings. Young, what I wouldn't give to be young. I am young, but I'm 26-young. I'm not 21 young, and none of this is new to me. I'm not going to fall for Curve cologne and a pink shirt, just as I'm sure that no one I'd want falling for me would prefer me in a shirt exsposing my tits and skirt revealing my sweet stuff. I have a voracious sexual appetite, but I'm not an easy girl, or an especially careless girl when it comes to sex. I'd still prefer to know someone's middle name before I allow them to peel off my panties, I'd still prefer that the person undressing me knows at least that my favorite color is pink and that I prefer my eggs unfertilized! I then made eye contact across the room with a goodlooking blond hair, blue eyed guy who was with 2 women. We were sitting near head to toe mirrors so I turned to reapply lipgloss and he was staring at me in the mirror so I winked at him--it was on from there. The girls he was with kept shooting me evil eyes so that made me fuck with them even more. The girls went to the bar and left him there alone with me and my girls...He turned and asked was I having a fun time--Of course I was. We shot the breeze and immeadiately asked for my number. Although it was rather soon I did it anyway. I love being scandalous. So I stuck it in his pocket and little did he know I gave him my girl Trish's number. She lives for sleeping around with guys she doesn't know. I'm wondering if he's called yet. He'll get whatever he wants from her. She's not picky at all. He told me that he was wildly turned on when he seen me sitting on Anna's lap. Funny guy. He was thinking I was bi. He was mildly disapointed when I had to burst his bubble and tell him that Anna is a sorority Sistah not my lover. We all danced with Haven and it was clear that we got more attention with our clothes on then the cheap little girls on stage. Out of nowhere this Dark haired, italian Versace clad with blue eyes came from behind and started dancing with me. I felt the rock in his pants on my lower back and the way he was moaning in my ear with hot breath on my neck I could have sworn he came in his pants. He's not the type to wear underwear. Fucking sexy. I'm by no means a prostitute, but it's something that as a woman, I come to find myself doing naturally. I export myself, I make myself valuable with the clothes I wear, the narrow slits of my blue eyes, the thick rope of hair that falls down my back. Perfume that smells like hawaiian fruit, teeth bleached to the shade of a snowflake, my skin as brown as a freshly toasted muffin -- I'm a product of the product I sell. And just because I sell, doesn't mean that I can't also be addicted. I'm addicted to hot breath on my neck, a warm tongue sliding up the curve of my lower back, a hard yank from the hand twisting my ponytail. I'm addicted to being the object of fantasy, addicted to shallow breath in a dark room, addicted to the curl of my toes and the tension of my teeth biting down hard on my lower lip; addicted to someone else's hands slipping down into forbidden areas, addicted to another's addiction to me.

Sex sells. He bought me a drink and gave me $20 for the dance! I know that he doesn't mean for it to look like he's 'tipping' me for a night of cheap fun, but that's what it feels like. $20, wow. What is the going rate, anyway? But then again, I think to myself, if I'd been paid $20 everytime I danced, I might have already had my penthouse-dreamhouse in Chicago, so I don't say anything and stuffed the money into my bra. With a quick kiss on the cheek he was gone. I know what you're thinking... you stupid girl, you've just been had for $20 and a dance, lured in by the familiarity of someone who knows how you like your eggs. But you would be wrong, because I'm no naive virgin, and I hardly expect anything more at this point. He's the one who's been had. I've fed my addiction and managed to get $20 and unfertilized eggs out of the deal.
Sex sells. And we're all sell outs.

I Want to Be Bad

After about a week of feeling like Trish...I mean TRASH, I've decided that I have to get out of this house and have some fun with the girls. I'm hoping its not a bad idea because just yesterday I felt like I was on my death bed...I guess we'll see! And I'm horny, godblessit! I'm a few hours away from humping the furniture!!! Oh and Anderson Cooper from CNN with those baby blue eyes needs to let me sex him. I should take a nap and get ready to go out for a bit. I want to be bad! No....I want to be good. Well, reasonably good and well accessorized!!! The last time I went out, I didn't get carded...Mother fucker! I ex foliate, moisturize and have an at-home micro-derm abrasion kit. I could easily pass for a senior in high school. How dare you assume i'm old enough to buy alcohol. How DARE YOU! Oh and Just the other night I was thinking to myself "Whatever happened to P!nk?", and next day I caught her new video "Stupid Girls". There comes a point where an artist in an attempt to be satirical fails miserably and instead reaches new levels of hypocrisy. (Jewel and Eminem come immediately to mind). While lyrically brilliant , it's video jabs at the likes of Paris Hilton and Jessica Simpson detract from the overall message of the song. In fact, their very presence (albeit in unflattering parodies), are proof that as long as there's people in this world who give them attention (negative or otherwise), they're not going to go away anytime soon. It took a catchy girl power anthem and turned it into a dumb blonde hate-fest. I have to say tho, Kudos for Pink on actually getting a 50 cent cameo. How the hell did you manage to get 50 cent but not Paris Hilton? "A video making fun of me? That's Hot!"

I'm in love with a stripper!

Yes, that gets the most play on my ipod. Can't help it. I didn't blog my night @ the strip club to protect the innocent...but if you know me at all you know that I can't stop thinking/talking about the hot stripper in the genie outfit who copped a feel of my tits and knew that they were real then proceeded to tell me "NICE TITS". Call me dirty, but she had me wondering if I was going to have a noticeable wet spot in my pants. She was that awesome. I've never been truly aroused by another girl, but this experience opened a window for me and she has had several starring roles in my fantasies. Yes, she was that hot.

It's friday night and I'm home with a raw throat that feels like I'm eating razor blades every time I swallow. My fever is gone, I was getting a little delierious with it...

I'm listening to 80's big band ballads alone tonight. Not in the mood to hang out. Not in the mood for much, just an orgasm or two!!!

I have been sick all freaking week. The Penicilian is not working either. I woke up @ 7 am this morning after the good Doctor tried to comfort me and make me feel better. Then @ midnight Steve called. He told Victoria it was over, she refuses to accept it. She needs a rich husband and they lack chemistry--His words, not mine! Steve refuses to be her 401K. Perhaps I'm being mean here, but Victoria's mother called Steve. Victoria is 38 years old. How is that normal??!! Reminds me of Rodger the Retard from my summer in the Shenandoah Natl. Park, when he was sick his mother would call in for him. Granted he was mentally challenged so it was acceptable. But when is it okay to let your mother really get into love life? That just spells disaster for me. My mother would kick my ass and tell me to forget about him if he wanted to end things with me. She wouldn't let me cry or fight for a man who has made it abundeantly clear he wasn't into me. It would be his loss. Not mine. So Victoria should just give up. Walk away with some pride. We've all had our low moments and for a woman who has dated Royalty, was a Parisian model, wrote a children's book in 7 different languages, this is probably her lowest moment. Next to sending her son and his problems off to France....I'm being catty. I'll stop. Moving right along....@ 4:23 am I was awakend by "HAVE YOU BEEN CALLING ME"--A blast from the fucking past, Eric from Chicago! {T's a big fan!!} Supposedly @ 4 am he thinks I have nothing more to do than prank call his sorry ass in Chi town. It was just a way to keep me on the phone by accusing me of something I didn't do. He failed at getting rise out of me. I think I even giggled at his lousy attempts in between my coughing and hoarsness. Didn't matter to him. He was just being needy and he needed me to make himself feel better. Why, I'll never know. I even thought about hanging up on him for my own pleasure, but I thought maybe something was wrong with him and I shouldn't be so rude. I continued to talk to him until 6 am my time. I have to let the past go, right, Dr Miller??? He's doing well. Nothing else to report. I'm not going to contact that crazy bastard though. He does this out of the blue shit often. I'm not getting involved with it. With that said, I have the most painful sore throat ever. I can't even imagine what my girl Gigi must be taking on when I can't even deal with strep throat!!! I do think my meds are making me gutsy. I actually told the lady at the dry cleaners that she had dorito breath about 30 mins ago. It was gross. I had no right saying it, but I'm tired of keeping my thoughts to myself. Thats what this is for. It's my meds, I'm growing {theoretical} balls!!! Update more when I feel better.

Rejected V-Day Cards

10. I admire your strength, I admire your spunkBut the thing I like best, is getting you drunk

9. Our love will never become cold and hollowUnless, one day, you refuse to swallow.

8. I bought this Valentine's card at the storeIn hopes that, later, you'd be my whore.

7. This feels so good, it feels so rightI just wish it wasn't $250 a night.

6. You're a woman of style, you're a woman of classEspecially when I'm spanking, your big-round-fat ass.

5. Before I met you, my heart was so famished But now I'm fulfilled. . . SO MAKE ME A SAMICH!!!

4. Through all the things that came to pass Our love has grown. . . but so's your ass.

3. You're a honey. . . and you're a cutie I just wished you had J-Lo's "booty".

2. I don't wanna be sappy or silly or cornySo, right to the point, let's do it, I'm horny!

1. If you think that hickey looks like a blister You should check out the one that I gave to your sister!

A lesson learned

I shouldn't be pissed but I am. I shouldn't feel so bad, but I do. I shouldn't think such mean thoughts but I cant help myself.

Perhaps it's true. Maybe I am better than most. Maybe I do deserve better than self centered, cowards who hide behind their fears. Who am I to argue with fate?

I demand 100% from everyone. Being afraid is unacceptable.

What happened to the masculinity? Remember how Kevin fought for Winnie? Why does it always have to be difficult? Why can't it be fun and ever lasting? But if I didn't have these experiences I wouldn't be able to differentiate the bad from the horrible.

And yes, it's so hard to take the high road! As a woman of class I'll bite my tongue!

Now. I feel much better!!!

SJP

"Did I dissapoint you or let you down?
Should I be feeling guilty
Because I saw the end
Before it began
Yes I saw you were done
and I knew she had won
It may be over but it wont stop there
I am here for you
if you'll only care
you touched my heart
you touched my soul
you changed my life
and all my goals
love is blind and that I knew
my heart was blinded by you
I've kissed your lips and held your head
shared your dreams and shared your bed
I know you well, I know your smell
I've been addicted to you
I am a dreamer and when I wake
you can't break my spirit
its my dreams you take
As you move on, remember me,
remember us and all we strived to be
I've seen you cry
I've seen you smile
I've watched you sleeping for a while
I'd spend a lifetime with you
I know your fears and you know mine
We've had our doubts and now we're fine
And I love you and I swear thats true
I'm moving on without you!"

Just me...

Who ever said that Clinique's High Impact mascara is waterproof--they're liars, dammit!!!

So supposedly we got our Blizzard of 2006. We got 10 inches the most. Most meterologist are men and we all know how much men exaggerate with size! It wasn't that bad, I just couldn't drive and talk on the phone at the same time. Big deal.

A lot has happend, I've reconciled with a certain someone. We're on good terms again.

You all know that I'm going to be out of town for a while. I'm not even sure when I'll get back. I haven't decided.

I've took some time off of work 3 weeks all for Amaya :)

Enjoy the holiday people while I'm soaking up the sun and having the time of my life with the friends I'll never forget :)

Aunt flow? Where are you? How I miss you....